Just one of those days….

Just one of those days….

My sister - friend gave birth to her first child very far away from me. Although a few of my frineds’ kids call me aunt, I feel I just became an aunt today. She gave birth very far away from me, in a totally differnt time zone and her husband called me less than 15 minutes after the birth, very early morning my time, and we cried and laughed and cried more on the phone…and then I called my better half that is on a business trip and is on totally another time zone…I woke him up and cried and laughed and chat and he was yawning for half of it and speechless from joy for another half…..

Just one of those days….

My sister- friend called me from hospital and after a serious cry and laugh and cry and chat….she told me about the night and day that she had and how all ended up in my nephew being born….and then she, being totally consumed with fatigue, adrenalin rush and good amount of Prolactin and “happy” hormone (the one and only: Endorphin) asked me the big million dollar question:
"Tell me something. The rest of the child rearing can not be as hard as my last 15 hours…can it?”

I laughed and teased and avoided the answer altogether….after all it is not that often that we, mothers, can be high on such natural happy hormones!!! Why spoil it for this sweet sister of mine?!

Then I put the phone down and had to deal with one of those toddler days…one of those days that if someone would have pulled out every hair on my head, would have been so much easier and less painful than going through all the tantrums, terrible twos pattern of behavior, whining, non stop talk and question, refuse to do anything that is being asked for and do everything that is a big NO NO NO!

One of those toddler days that Mamma did not say much other than:
Don’t do it!
Stop it there Mr.!
Don’t even think about it!
I know your trick my boy!
Where do you think you are going?
And what does that cry mean now?
Please be gentler
Watch where you are running to
Hello, mamma is calling for you
OK time for "time out"!

Just one of those days….

He is in his crib now and tries to fall asleep and I am sleeping with my eyes open, the irony of life...

I am typing these words and thinking of my sister – friend…Oh my dear sweet sister. The labor is so much easier than the child rearing. It is a tough role, it is exhausting, it will push your boundaries beyond anything in your life, there are times that you want to cry out of exhaustion and desperation, there are times that you are truly clueless and unbelievably out of any patience, there are times that you feel how can I go on one more minute and above all there is that good old guilt and second guessing of the mothers….and yet at the end of the day while you go through all that roller coaster rides and the three ring circus acts, while every cell in your body aches and the pain can be felt in every muscle and bone of your half broken body, you just smile…

Even when smiling is too energy consuming: you still smile!
Even if your facial muscles don't work anymore, you will still smile in your heart!

Just one of those days….

A lifetime of events, a blink of my eyes!

I did not need any alarm clock to wake up much earlier than necessary!

My body’s alarm clock worked perfectly on its own. Every cell in my being remembers the exact hour and the minutes of the most important moment of my life.

I needed to be as close to him as I could physically be, exactly at those minutes. Call it mothers sentiment, call it woman’s logic of heart!

I tried very hard not to wake up my better half. I tipped toed toward little boss’s room, very aware of all the creaks and cracks sound…. walked in very slowly, breathing deep to take in his adorable smell and the peaceful energy of his room.

There, in the dark, is he… my first born baby.

Wow! In just few minutes he will be officially two years old and yet look at him… How tiny he is, this baby of mine.

As always, blankets all on one side far away from his body… his most beloved teddy bear close to his side.

I bend into his crib (as much as my growing belly allows me) and adjust his blankets and touch his hair…a gentle touch, as if only air brushed his hair.

He releases a loud and deep breath and I can see his peaceful face. My eyes can see so much better in the dark than in the light (the joke of the family) and I use this blessing right there and then to look deeply in every line of his sweet face and peaceful body.

His hair, damp with sweat - the sweat that smells like tuberose for me (and I am not kidding here. It really smells like tuberose – my favorite flower way before I had him!)….the little tiny drooling line beside his cheek….he is every inch a baby.

No matter how much he is grown up compare to two years ago…compare to that very first moment that they put his naked body on my naked belly and chest…compare to that moment that still the umbilical cord was connecting us together, one body, two souls!

My baby….my baby!

In a blink of an eye, I go back to that moment two years ago: my heart was in my throat, ready for my whole world to flip off its axis…and still I did not know what is going to happen. I was as ready as I could be for everything to change in my world, excited and totally consumed with fear and anxiety….I knew I was in for the emotional makeover of my life but as God is my witness, I never thought it will be this profound and this divine!

Becoming a mother is for many women, the time that they most mature. Suddenly the things that should have always mattered and never was in my horizon did matter…. and the things that once consumed me blew away like hot air balloon!

Two years is passed… a lifetime, a blink of an eye!

I kneeled beside his crib, put my face to its side, breath in and tried to take in every breath that comes out of his sweet body.

In this quiet and dark, he is no longer a toddler that climbs, runs, screams and throws tantrums. He is no longer the little guy that runs to mommy because of a “boo, boo” but does not have enough patience to stay still in order for me to make the “boo boo” better….He is no longer the toddler that tries to do stuff “myself, I, me”!

He is just he, my first born, my first baby, always a baby, always soft and vulnerable and in need of me, always in need of me.

I put my hand inside his crib, fingers toward his tiny hand but afraid to touch it in case it will disturb his peaceful sleep… I am thinking of that moment, the first moment of the most important encounter of my life… I looked at the clock and that is the exact moment…suddenly his fingers grab my index finger. My heart sinks in…I looked at him: he is sleeping…and yet his hand is holding mine…I am back to two years ago exactly this moment…

My baby, always my baby!

Je Me Souviens…

Autumn is here…my bittersweet fall!

Already the last week was a prelude to the symphony of my emotions; an avalanche of feelings…

Like every year I become more silence, words can not carry the depth of the feelings and life experiences; words - in any of the languages that I know - can not do justice to emotions….

So I cherish the silence of my mind and dive deep into my being, go for a swim at the very deep end of the ocean….overwhelmed with bliss and sorrow…

Heart is such a mystery…one can carry the two extremes side by side, at every moment in life…

Oh how I love autumn…and every year I fall deeper in love with this season….

Memories…
That is what autumn brings back to me…year after year!
More than anything: memories…

Am I in love with this season or just consumed with my memories and experiences?

Those moments that made me who I am today!
Those events, emotions and lessons…for better or worse, they shaped me and re-created me over and over….

The best of my life, the worst of my life…and all in between…
A landscape of events and places which mixes and overlaps with one another in a manner more than perfection

Like a drawing that I can never see anywhere other than the deepest, most sacred corner of my heart

I can not forget anything
I choose not to forget anything….

Each year fall returns and I do return with it to the poetry of my heart.

I remember…

Remember my son...

My dear "Little Boss",

In 2 weeks you will be 2 years old. Couple of months after that you will start your “Toddler program” and while it will be only for 3 hours a day; still I am anxious for the change that you will face in your daily routine of life. It will be your first step in the type of education that your father and I chose for you. In just a few months we will welcome your new baby brother in our life…another change in your world…you will need to share your kingdome my sweet king!

So many millstones are just ahead of you….so many changes, so many new challenges and so many new rewards. Lately mamma’s nights are consumed with all these thoughts, the happiness that these changes will bring and the unknowingness of it all….

Are you ready to deal with them? Am I ready for them? And above all, how can I make the changes less shocking for you? How can I help you to adapt and move on happily? It is so important for me to make your life happy, for you to realize happiness is so precious…

I am anxious and sometimes fearful for all the known and unknown things that are in your way, and yet from the moment that you were born, one of my promises to you was to help you to fly high with freedom, courage and hope….today more than ever I have the mixture of fear and courage…this day more than any other day!

On this day seven years ago, at 8:57am, our world, the way that we knew it, changed in so many ways. This day became one of those days in the history book that people would always remember where they were and what they were doing at exactly those minutes that tragedy happened to the “free world”.

Your knowledge from that day and the events that followed it will be from history books…and yet my history books showed me that the writers are the sole owners of the authenticity of “our history”!

Things undeniably changed from this day seven years ago…for a while after that people were nicer to each other, made decisions with more humanity in heart and mind, priority in life changed and kindness came to the society.

Then time passed on and the world found itself consumed with bitterness, prejudice and fear, in a war that seems never ending and above all everyone gradually accepted a very high price on their human rights as the necessity for “safety”.

Land of the free? Not anymore
Home of the brave? I am not sure

The fear of unknown, of the evil that we do not see; the type of fear that people of Middle East live with it daily and hourly for such a long time; became part of the daily routine of many lives. The “hope” vanished from many hearts and gives its place to fear, anger and hatred.

Mothers realized that no matter what they do to make sure their babies are safe and sound, still bad things happen to very good people…still anger and hatred can destroy lives, souls and even the future of the world….

Such hopelessness can easily come to the hearts…

My dear sweet love, I look at you today and I wish I could shield you from all the heartbreaks and dangers that are ahead. But my dear son, the reality of life is that our time here is brief and some of it will be tragic. There will be sadness for which we cannot prepare ourselves, and yet we have to embrace the lessons in them. There will be fearful moments beyond imagination and yet we have to be brave.

We have to; HAVE TO my son; not give in to fear or hatred. They WILL lead us down the wrong path, a path that will take us further away from our human soul and lead us closer to our animal side.

As anxious as I am (and believe me my son I am a very anxious person), still I want to tell you to take chances. Play in the sand, even though there are some very sick people in the world that hide infected needles in children’s sandbox. Play with the mud and get dirty…look around and take it all in. LIVE my son, LIVE fully and completely…and make sure to take precautious too as I told you so many times, life is precious...your life is precious beyond belief my sweet boy.

Look both ways before you cross a street, but cross the street.

Above all my dear sweet son, make sure to be kind, forgiving, considerate, compassionate and understanding…play fair my son!

Remember, there is ALWAYS two sides to every coin….

I love you beyond words,
Mamma

Doubts, second guessing, intuition and more...

She is a dear friend, not so close to me but never the less “dear”. She is also expecting, one month ahead of me. This will be her third child, the first two being boys. When she heard my news, she was genuinely excited: “Now we share something that makes us even closer and closer than before”.

A month ago, she called me and with the first “Hello” I knew something hit her hard. My heart sank in. The thoughts always go to the worst scenario when you are talking to pregnant women in distress.

S: I just came out of my ultrasound.
Me: Everything is good and fine, Ya?!
S: OH yes, the baby is healthy... It’s a boy….
Me: OH MY GOD that is SOOOO exciting. You found out the gender.
S: Yap, It’s a boy! I will have three boys, no girls…I need you to help me to get over my shock. It must not be good for the baby…We wanted a girl this time…I really really wanted a girl!
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ME: “S” called me today. They are having a boy.
My better half: WOW that is amazing. What an energetic household that will make.
ME: Silence
HIM: BTW I think they wanted a girl.
ME: How did you know?
HIM: Blink, Blink
ME: I have a confession to make…Blink, Blink
HIM: I feel like a priest or something:):)
ME: I never thought of it until today…I think I will be a better mother to boys….
HIM: How do you know that? You never had a daughter!

ME: Logically that is a correct argument. But women “feel” these things….and let’s face it I never was a girly girl, even as a child. I was never into dolls and tea parties. People goo goo and ga ga over the outfits for girls and I look at it and think it is good for a doll but not for practicality of daily life…my daughter will be very disappointed with my not so feminine side! I am really afraid I will disappoint my daughter....

HIM: I forgot the famous women’s “feelings”…and while you are at it, let’s not forget “pink” is your least favorite color hahhaha

ME: I am serious. I feel our baby is a boy and I think I also WANT THE BABY to be a boy, don’t you think the two brothers with close age will be good for each other? You can argue that I really don't know that, being the only child and all...

Although “They” say “Girl will stay and boy will leave”. For my selfish side, daughter is better in the long run I guess….still I think I will be better suited as the mother of boys….Maybe at this stage of my life I still did not learn to be a mother to a girl, maybe it changes in couple of years…I don’t know!

HIM: OH sweetie, I think no matter a boy or a girl, they will leave us. Only you and I stay for each other….
ME: Blink, Blink

HIM: Well the good thing is that we want children / babies, not gender, who cares it is a boy or a girl:):):)…Keep in mind “they” also say: “Mama’s boy and Daddy’s girl”…so in that way boys will be closer to you….

ME: Deep down I agree, WHO CARES IT IS A BOY OR GIRL. If I could, I would have had a dozen of children, half boys and half girls…But still I have a feeling, an intuition. Until today’s phone call I did not think of it one way or the other…now I can not shake it off!
I think I can teach my boys to be kind men, the type that “feel” and “talk about their feelings” and don’t hesitate to show their emotions because they are “A MAN”, the type that respect, cherish and honor women. I think that is one task that mothers can help their boys the most with….

HIM: In that department, I totally agree with you. You will be amazing for this task. And as for the talking and sharing the emotions, look at the little boss, he carries a conversation with you longer than I do…:):):)
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“They” do say: “Mamma’s boy and Daddy’s girl”.

I had / have more similarities with my father, similarities in hobbies, interests and above all in our personalities…We shared our books, love for history, philosophy, horses, skiing, never ending debates and so much more…everyone think I am a mirror image of him in personality. We share an especial bond even in my never ending discussions with him!

But deep in my heart and soul, I am and always was a “Mamma’s girl”. Our personalities are not the same - maybe except the anxious gene and the planning ahead….and yet I feel the most security in her presence, the most comfort and peace. I share the most hidden corner of my being with her. She never talks and I always like to have a discussion about issues. She never expresses her love and I love to show how much I love…. and still with the exception of my better half, I was and am “myself” the most with my mother.

From the outside everyone assume that I am daddy’s girl but to us and to the people closest to us the umbilical cord between my mom and I never stopped working….
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In the car, on the way there I tell my better half (trying my best convincing tone): “Let’s not find out what is the gender. You know they can not guarantee that they are correct and there are examples of them making a mistake in announcing the gender with the ultra sound”.

My better half can not control his laughter. “You can not even wait to open your gift for more than 10 seconds. Every time I have to go to million and one strategies to hide a gift for you and you make the house upside down to hunt it. I make a deal with you, if YOU choose to not find out, I am OK with waiting…but I make a bet, you CAN NOT do that”….he laughs all the way there…
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The technician finishes with all the technical stuff and goes out to bring him in and “Let the fun begin”. I sit up and bend to see the monitor. “OH he knows me so well…I can not control myself!”…

The screen is divided into the last 4 pictures. One shows the four chambers of the baby’s heart - priceless…the other is a little tiny hand on the face with the thumb in the mouth, I could recognize the nostrils and the lips - I have tears at this point....the third is the spine and the fourth….OH MY GOD, I know the gender!

The door opens. My better half and the technician walk in…he bursts into laughter, I look like a child with her hands in the cookie jar. “YOU COULD NOT WAIT, COULD YOU?!”….“Hey, I know what is the gender, It’s a ….”.

The Technician protests: “I did not tell you yet. How would you know?”…My better half: “Well the thing is that she is familiar with the ultrasound pictures”. She interrupts: “But let me give the tour myself…, “this is…this is ….look at…and this is….let’s move around…now here….and do you want to know the gender?”

My better half challenges me with his look. I reply: “OH YA, we do want your professional opinion on the subject”.

“Well you were correct. This “not so little thing” in there can only exist in BOYS. You are having a boy”.

My better half and I cheered… that kind of laughter that comes with tears... Excited, cheerful, no words to explain it…

“God willing I will be mother of two boys for now”…and as for the future and later on…it is in divine’s hand!

One more year...

I woke up earlier than usual. Everything needed to be done and prepared earlier because of an appointment early in the morning. So the race started: wake up, shower, dress, prepare for our day ahead, pick the little boss from his crib, kiss him head to toe, hugs, chat, sing and dance and pretend it is all a big game when I am changing his diaper, washing him and putting clothes on his energetic body…In my mind there is no time for diddly doo…and still I am doing it just for his smiles and giggles.

Looking at my better half, he sneezes since last night, nose blocked, tired eyes…I am worried for him. I am tired, I am frustrated and no patience for any domino effects that his nasty colds usually bring to our households…. For me it is so much easier to be sick than witness the sickness of the ones that I love. But this time it is not me alone, little baby is moving in me. Hungry, impatient, like the little boss I guess…

Move on…move on….

I quickly look at the headlines: The heaviness of the world around me weighs on me, even if it is not necessarily MY experience but still MY WORLD. Sadness seems everywhere. So tough to search for hope and all…

There's so much misery around us; so much to fear and….I just put my hand on my little belly. My angel in there moves and I know hope does exist….

Multi tasking…that is what mothers do. While sitting not so patiently for my appointment, I check my emails with my i-phone. I really like my new toy but if I did not have it, then I could have closed my eyes and rest for a minute instead of responding to emails and all….Life is becoming even more complicated. Oh if only I could shut the world just for a little five minutes?

One email talks about some nasty things that happened to some good people.
My thoughts linger on horrible things I never want to face. I can't turn away. I can't shut them off. Worry. Worry. Worry. I can only worry.

Truth is I've always been this way. Anxieties and worries are my companion. I learned to live with them artfully; I learned to survive them skillfully but never left them behind.

The race of the heart, worries that are like the ripples from a pebble that someone tossed in my stream, my mind whirling silently in the space, full of never ending circles...on and on and on…

Daily routine of life continues…

It is toward the end of the day. Putting the last dish in the dishwaser, chatting with little boss from one side and better half from the other; trying to concentrate on what he is talking about: Democrat, Republican, Obama, McCain… while I am singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” for little boss…and promising my little baby in me that Mamma will sleep earlier tonight! I think! I hope…

Better half goes silent right in the middle of his heated talk. He gently stands behind me and his arms circle my body, hands on my belly….tries very hard not to breath in my direction so that his cold does not come to my doorsteps… my hands rest on his, I put my weight on his body, I am finally weightless, even if it is for a moment in time…both of us stand still in that pose, no need to talk, no need to move….looking at what is in front of us: little boss sitting on the kitchen floor and playing with all our pots and pans…banging them, laughing and chatting.

His gentle kiss lands on the back of my neck, he rests his forehead there and smell my hair…still avoids any breathing in my direction….and right there and then the lightness comes to my heart….even if it will last for a short few moment; I am thankful, I am free….

He lifts all the worries, all the fears, all the frustrations and all my running away.

He takes away my unbearable heaviness of being….just the same way that he did nine years ago on this day…just the same way that he did the first moment that I laid eyes on his cheerful face and sparking eyes all those years ago…a lifetime ago…Just the same way that he will do it for all my eternity… I know I am home!

Join me in my camp…by choice or by force!!!!!!!

As good as I am in playing Chess, I stink in Backgammon!

My father taught me both of them – or taught me the Chess and attempted very hard for the Backgammon!

Both he and my better half are amazing players in the later one and I am always in awe in how can they do that.

Well I did not learn that much Backgammon from all those extensive training that my father had planned for me…except one sentence!

I think this one phrase stick to my grey cells because being a 7 years old kid; it was a strange sentence coming from my extremely logical father …

And that magical sentence is:
“Backgammon will teach you that 2+2 is not always equal to 4”.

He said that and he never thought in his wildest, very logical imagination that this simple sentence is what her daughter’s core life is made of, that this sentence is the most natural thing for her daughter…

Years passed and I grew up and heard the ABBA song “The winner takes it all” and fell in love with the part that says:

“The gods may throw a dice

Their minds as cold as ice

And someone way down here

Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all

The loser has to fall

Its simple and its plain

Why should I complain.”

We roll our dice and move our players and although luck, or synchronicity or whatever you want to call it, plays a role in the whole game of life, we still need some sort of strategy, some kind of planning… and ultimately we learn that sometimes no matter how much we plan and prepare ourselves for what is ahead in life, things will not work and go according to our master strategy…that our good old 2+2 is equal to zero or infinite or anything in between….

I learned that the hard way…that no matter what a good player I am in life, how much I prepare myself and plan and strategize, “The Gods may throw the dice” and there is NOTHING I can do other than modify my life and move on…..

The unexpected side of life, the unpredictability of it makes me shiver to my core and even right at that moment of fear an adrenalin shot of excitement develops somewhere deep in my being….

Does having a “faith” helps in dealing with all the unexpected in life?

Just by using the word “FAITH” in a sentence I opened myself for numerous prejudgments. I think, thanks to all the organized religions and specifically all three major mono-theist religions, the word faith is associated with some of the negative connotations….as if when you have faith you must be sitting on your "a…" and letting someone else lives your life….as if having faith is equal to being passive in life….

And in the same breath, there are some people that believe lacking faith is equal to doom and gloom…and is a major abomination for all the holies in life….

You hear a sentence like:
“Faith is one of the world's great evils, comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to eradicate." From Richard Dawkins.... and then you also hear one of my personal favorite quotes from no other source but Star Treck:):):)

"That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it, you can't understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary."

Regardless of what you think or believe about faith or lack of it for that matter, my problem starts when one person tries very hard to convince the other to join his/ her camp…..and the normal method of convincing is nothing short of verbal harassment….after all people mostly want to belittle each other's choice of life…to just tell them: “my way is better, is more correct, is right”…Oh that stinking battle of right vs. wrong!

What is it with us human race? Do we need the strength that comes from number? Does our personal belief and individual choices need some sort of “majority makes it more true”?

Sometimes I close my eyes and think all the wars that is going on in different corner of our world, happens everyday, over and over, in a smaller and sometimes spiritually nastier scale, between two people: being two neighbors, two colleagues, teacher and student, two paretners, two siblings, two friends, parent and a child, two lovers…..all in the name of “sharing ideas”, in the name of “giving you advice”, in the name of “teaching you”…..

What a nasty lives we lead sometimes….

And then we wonder why we do not have peace in Middle East!!!!!!!!!!