In “Veronica decides to die” he writes:
“An awareness of death encourages us to live more intensely”.
Well I am experiencing this sentence in last 48 hours….In last precious 48 hours that I came to “know” that in fact my clock is ticking…..like all of us!
Living with PTSD put all the other ailments in back seat for me. The fact that I was experiencing very alarming symptoms in last few months was not really important to me. But my sweet doctor really was insisting that we need to do some tests…and one test lead to another and finally I ended up with an urgent appointment with a neurologist!
A series of nerve conducting tests and elimination of some possibly scary diagnosis…
And finally of course with the urgent requisition of both my family doctor and the specialist, I landed at MRI doorsteps…“MRI of brain”.
Other than my better half and my parents; my close friend was also involved in this process. She was the one that came with me for MRI as I did not want better half disrupt the night routine of the kids – did you know the hospitals do MRI sometimes 24 hours a day??-
On the way to the hospital we were joking that they are going to finally find out the truth…that there is no brain in my skull…we were trying to ignore the scary possibilities. After all we both are homeopathic doctors and very well aware of “what if”s…
The reality is that I went through all these process from the beginning to the end, with a detached feeling. A detachment that was coming from experiencing my personal hell called: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
I could care less doing any or all of these tests. I did it mostly to put my better half’s mind at ease. For me, I already had a hellish diagnosis that was eating me alive; minute by minute, day after day, night after night….
48 hours ago my doctor “needed” to see me urgently. The result of MRI was in…My immediate thought was “Oh shit! I guess it is serious”. On the way to her office I was only praying for whatever it is, may it NOT be MS. Few years ago I had a successful experience in treating couple of MS cases. They talked about homeopathy and me in their support group and as a result of that suddenly I had lots of MS patients as well as their families. The thought of making my loved ones going through life and seeing me deteriorate like that is truly the one of the worst fears of my life…The thought of them…the thought of them…
I walked into her office and she tells me: “well the good news is that it is not MS or a tumor”….and then she pauses…“Unfortunately it is something that we did not expect. There is an aneurism in your brain. It is at the base of cerebral, toward the right lobe….as you know it is a serious diagnosis. I want to send you for a MRA to get a better information of the type of aneurism, the extend of it as well as the possibility of developing it in other location of the brain…[the general rule is that when one develops an aneurism, that indicated fragile vessels in the brain and higher possibility of developing it again]
“Why do I have to get an MRA? I mean what is more to know? A cerebral aneurism is what they call “a ticking bomb”. At any second my “ballooning vessel” can burst and I die…as simple as that. I am very well aware of how serious the issue is. I am also aware that this balloon can get bigger and bigger as we are speaking. But let’s face it. Part of the seriousness is that the ONLY treatment that you can offer is surgery and as you yourself know, the danger of brain surgery is so high that ultimately the patient has to choose between the danger of dying as a result of rupture or the danger of dying during the surgery…or the danger of becoming a vegetable after surgery…”
She agreed with me…how could she not? But after a long discussion, I agreed to go ahead with MRA…to go ahead and “monitor” the situation….after all that is what “the procedure” is for brain aneurism…
Well I am aware of this little balloon in my head for last 48 hours and “I AM LOVING IT”…This sentence alone is more scary diagnosis these days than any other MD labels, ha?
I mean in this day and age being “crazy” and have different views is a serious illness. Isn’t it?
But I will tell you why I think this balloon is a gift from divine…
Miraculously, from the moment that I found about this, a heavy load was lifted from my heart. It is as if PTSD is away on a coffee brake. I mean I do have my physical symptoms and particularly the ongoing headache is excruciatingly painful – and very alarming for my doctor. I don’t mean life is now peachy…by no means. What I mean is this: last night little boss sneezed in his sleep and my heart did not jump out of my chest, I did not run to check his temperature. This morning peaceful boss had a stuffy nose. I just simply cleaned it and did not hear the alarming sound of the hospital monitor. I drove today to bring little boss back home from school and I was looking at the trees and their beautiful green color with a new sharp view, a crispy sensation….
I admit, I am scared that the PTSD will come back at any moment…that its coffee brake will be over and I will be in that hospital room again, frozen with fear for my loved ones…but what if the scary PTSD is scared of my balloon? Do you know what I mean? What if I finally realized what we all have to realize…:
“A miracle happened: another day of life”.
I mean I might very well die from a car accident, or live to be 100 and even then not die from the bursting of my balloon…but in any case, what would I answer to this question: “did I live, or did I LIVE?”
Maybe I am in denial…Maybe all this “sort of a truce and peace” will end soon and maybe I will get into the panic of “I am dying” and “what if I die now” and “what about my kids” and “why and why and why”…or maybe, just maybe this new found wisdom stays with me until I meet the angel of death…one way or another!
Well my dear cyber world…my clock is ticking…so is yours. I just get the blessing to know about it before it is too late. After all:
“An awareness of death encourages us to live more intensely”.
