Somehow the time of the year that falls under Scorpio sign, does not agree with me!
For so many reasons that most of them are as old as my soul, I feel miserable in this glorious period of time. Either it is the strong aversion that I have to the influence of Planet Mars; or the mighty Hedas, the lord of the underworld, which does not agree with my shadow that much; or because of all the memories of doom and gloom that somehow echo for me in this month…or maybe, just maybe it is simply because of the lack of sunlight and all the grey days that come with this time of the year – after all not everything HAS to have a deep spiritual meaning, ha???!!!!!!
Scorpio came and passed this year and I survived it one more time - although it was a tough tough month for me. Somehow the energy of misery, even if it is just in your mind, can bring more hardship one way or another. Apart from being unbelievably busy day and night for many different reasons – which made me realize that I literally do not have as much energy as I had years ago (and lets not forget the belly that is growing and truly takes me off my balance every step of the way) - everyone in the household (including Oma and Opa that are visiting us) were sick with viral cold… not once but twice! So as soon as one round of cold was over the second round started and somehow I ended up being the last person in each series and with being pregnant and all, at the end my body just totally collapsed from absolute and pure exhaustion!
In all honesty the concept of physical exhaustion is not that familiar to me. As much as I am personally very familiar with mental and emotional exhaustion and somehow can write volumes of book about it, the concept of “body” gives up was very foreign to me. I guess it is time to admit it loud and clear: I AM AGED!
But this particular Scorpio time of the year brought another milestone for little boss and me!
Little boss started his toddler program. To say that I “agonized” for days and night in last few months over this milestone, is just putting it mildly. In all fairness the "agonize" part mostly had to do with the shadow that follows me personally since I was a little girl…..
The little boss’s program is the first step in the type of the education that my better half and I chose for our children. For now it is 3 hours in the morning and the first two weeks was supposed to be transitional. That meant, I had the “back to school” tune in my days!
Little boss and I attended the classes and I participated in his class – mostly like a shadow- so he will get use to it and all. By nature and by profession I did what I do the best in life: Deeply observe.
Looking at all these little toddlers and the way that they interact with their surroundings, how each and every one of them cope with the concept of “separation anxiety” and change in their daily routine of life, how the adults look at these little ones and try their best to assist them…and above all how the adults deal with their own shadows.
According to all the teachers and professionals in the school, little boss handled himself really amazing…so good that they told me the transitional period can be only 4 days for him. The class has a one way window that parents can drop by at any time and stand there as long as they want and see what is happening with their kids. That can give you a clue that how I did spend most of my days of the remaining 2 weeks. After all what the teachers were perceiving as “little boss is adjusting grate” was little bit different than what I was perceiving.
I am not sure is it a curse or a blessing - personally I think it is not a blessing even if it won’t be a curse....Little boss internalizes his emotions and only shows the raw form of it to me the most and then my better half and in some extend to Oma and Opa.
As I am typing these words I shake my head in sadness because I just hear the voice of everyone: “He is just like his mommy….OH MY GOD! How much he takes after you….WOW! it is like looking at little you….” And this internalizing part is exactly what comes from my glorious gene pool. I learned to internalize all my emotions (fears, anxieties etc.…) since the early age of 3 or 4. The little boss is doing it at least for a year now and God knows how much I am trying to teach and encourage him to “Let it out!”….
So not like most of the kids in the same boat; he did not scream, he did not cry, he did not kick and protest that he does not want to go in….they did not have to push the mommy and daddy out of the door and hold the child in. My little boss listened to me very carefully when I told him “is that OK with you to stay here today without mommy? Let me know if that is not OK with you…. Mommy will come back very soon and pick you up and we can go home... and until then you can play with Mrs…….”….
He stood up straight, squeezed my hand hard, pushed his head to my face when I was kissing him and whispering to him how much I love him… and then he let go of my fingers and went into the class with his teacher – chin up and body tensed. I ran out of the door and went behind the window that already became my best friend in the world…and watched.
I watched EVERYTHING….every time that a muscle in his body tightened, every glance that he threw toward the door, every time that he stood in the middle of the class in silence…. and I keep note of the fact that he did not chat AT ALL – my very very chatty boy!
I watched every time that one of the teachers with so much care came to him and tried to introduce him to a new activity…and I watched how my little boss most of the time followed the teacher and did his part in the whole thing…..and then when the time came for me to pick him up, I would go to the door and would watch him running into my arms and kissing me and chats all they way back home about the things that he did (mostly the highlights in his perception) – and he did not know that I watched every minute of it- and in between each sentence he would tell me “I Yove You SOOOOOO Much Mamma”!...and I would react as if this is the very first time I become aware of his daily activity and “OH MY GOD, how proud I am of you…such a good boy…I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH”…..
And the day after and the day after…and every day they told me “OH MY GOD! He is adjusting so amazingly….” And every day I saw the rule of the universe: we might control our fears and emotions at one place but inevitably it will catch up with us sooner or later.
Little boss would come home and from that moment on, he DID NOT want to let go of me. I HAD to be with him ALL THE TIME…he had to play with his toys and mamma had to sit there and cheer him or just simply breathe and be present…. The tantrums and nagging and cry over everything and nothing….The “I want this, I want that, I don’t want this, I don’t want that”… the 5 times during the night waking up and crying “where is mamma? I want mamma”….
And the morning would come and it was a brand new day once again….
On the way to school he is so happy and telling me what he will do again. It seems that he truly enjoys his school, I can not debate that part what so ever….and still the impact of all the changes in his routine of life and the influence of the steps toward becoming an independent being in the world, show itself in the afternoon and night….the total NEED to have Mamma close by, the absolute life line of “mommy hold me”, “In mommy’s arm”…
We are dealing with him going through all that as best as we know how. He is trying to process and cope as well as going through terrible two and the cherry on the top I guess is the nasty viral cold that somehow loves our household and for sure has the intense effect on his mood!
Above being affected as HIS mother, the whole ordeal punched my psyche and heart in the places that carry deep open wounds…
I attended daycare/ Kindergarten, very very early in life and through all my childhood. I would have given SO much to not go to those places. God knows how much I wished for my mom or a family member to take care of me…. You have NO idea.
One of the earliest memories in my life is crying so profoundly and deeply when my mom was dropping me at the daycare. I can remember her back toward me walking out of the door. I still remember it like it was yesterday. My parents carry a huge guilt for all that. I think I came to a peace with the whole ordeal but until 5-6 years ago, I was truly bitter by the whole experience.
I think the choice of me staying home after becoming a mom, was partly- not all of it but partly - because of this whole ordeal. When I was a little girl, I wowed to myself that I will not bring a child to this world, if that child has to go through that much loneliness and forsaken feeling that I felt.
I can tell you my experience during the whole kindergarten- or whatever name it had- was PURE HELL. I hated it with passion... Interestingly no one could ever understand me because everyone in our family and circle of friends was in the same situation and they seemed “NORMAL”!
So years and years after that when finally I opened up and showed all the wounds that I had and all the scars that I carried because of the whole ordeal, my parents’ feeling was the combination of guilt and the fact that they did not know what else they could have done at the time, with being both full time at work and no other alternative…
So the last few months I agonized of the prospect of my baby going through a similar experience. The thought of him crying in pain while I have to leave him behind and go, was a nightmare that I had and yet I knew I am doing the best at this time and choosing the most nurturing way to prepare him to stand up on his own….
What I did not imagine was his silent reaction, his choice of carrying it all within for that three whole hours…an eternity for two years old! What I did not count on was how to deal with my little boss trying so hard to face the challenge so bravely and with superhuman effort for his very young age and loose all his control for the rest of the day and night….
Now I wish he would have cried. There are still good number of kids in the same class that started their course in September and yet every morning they cry and scream from 30-45 minutes. I know because I am watching them from my beloved window! The better half teases me that very soon the school will charge us half of the tuition fee because of my amazing attendance behind the window! But it is only his third week and let’s not forget that it is not only the little boss who is going through the separation anxiety, mamma also has her share of this emotion at this time (and this time around, the separation anxiety is because of being separated from my baby)!
Now I know very clearly, all the worries and anxieties were part of my story not his. I, on my part, used all the superhuman efforts in the world to not allow my story influences his…to not allow him pick up on my fears and apprehension. For now, I am waiting for him to choose his way and unfold his story just the way he wishes. The only thing I can do is to try to smooth the harsh edges for him…and maybe, just maybe I make his experience in life more cheerful and magical than mine……or at least less lonely than mine!
One thing is very clear: his milestone; regardless of what it is; will always be a shining star for me in the month of Scorpio….any memory attached to him is something that I cherish with all my heart and soul…and this particular one had a voluble lesson for me. It showed me that some wounds will start to heal, even if many many many years are passed...just by watching him going through his days....just by watching him....
