I am....

I am just sad.

It is true that literally there is not a single moment of any day (or any night for that matter) passes by in which I am not busy with one or the other task. It is true that even as I am typing these words I can hear the squeaky sound of little boss’s bed and know at any minute his little angelic voice will say: “Momma, are you there?”. It is true that peaceful boss turned out to be anything but peaceful :)...I still think he is peaceful only a new definition of the word of course :):)
He is a little “extremely cute and utterly handful” baby; one of those that at 2:30 am wakes up just to make sure mamma remembers that sleep is not that big a deal but playing with his royal highness the prince of dimples are the priority over everything……

But none of the time consuming ordeals, none of the fatigue and exhaustion, none of anything in the daily routine of my life prevented me from visiting my blog. What prevented me was this utter sadness that is in my heart.

I am just sad. One of those sadness that makes one speechless....makes one empty inside... Don’t think that I am not talking during my days. On the contrary!

I talk so much that sometimes at the end of the day my facial muscles feel they were running a marathon. Anyone that is a mother of a toddler and a baby knows that words and conversing is endlessly delightful. Even if one is so sad. Well in all honesty that is what is the joy in this sadness, that is the sanity in this madness and the light in this darkens: My very bright and delightful, extremely curious and utterly adorable little boss as well as my extremely energetic, very demanding and attention seeking, unbelievably “cute - melting your heart” boss (well lets say that officially “peaceful” boss’s name should change to something else. The jury is still out on that one in my mind).

I still battle with PTSD…sometimes the battle is daily in my life. “Shadi”, my dear cyber friend, wrote me something in the comment section, which made me come back to my blog and write this post. She wrote: “How is the PTSD? you know, it still comes back to me but it is just normal. I am the host and it is a guest, visits me briefly and leaves”. Her poetic description made me think of the amazing possibility that human body has to heal one self….and the amazing taste of “hope”…hope that there will be a month in the future that my “peaceful” boss will become a month older and on that particular day I do not recall the memory of him in the Sick Kids hospital but instead I would remember the blissful memory of giving birth to him….

My little friendly balloon is still very much up there, or in there or is in there somewhere….and still I am possibly the only person that love it more than hate it….which is another stamp in my insanity among my close circle of loved ones…..

I still experience some excruciating painful physical symptoms that sometimes can take my breath away…literally and metaphorically!

But neither the big scary PTSD nor the little red balloon….neither the fatigue nor the lack of time… none of the above mentioned details prevented me from coming to this blog. This deep sadness prevented me from writing anything. The type of sadness that sucked away all the words in my vocabulary repertory….and believe me I am a person with many words in a few different languages!

I am sad at this world that we live in. I am sad by it, with it and from it….what ever the proper grammar combination can be. These days I even rarely visit my usual TV news programs. I mean they gave me the good dose of reality a few weeks ago:

In a world that people are dying from hunger or so many man made and non man made diseases, in a world that people are trying so hard to get back what ever left of their dignity as human beings, in a world that people are drowning and gasping for one breath of “free” air, in a world that people are being raped and tortured and killed all over the place, in a world that everyone are slaves one way or another…in this beautiful ugly world of ours…we turn on the TV and the top breaking news for days after days is no other than Michael Jackson!

Well what can I say?
Maybe sadness is not the correct word after all. Maybe what I feel is total detachment from “this” reality we call our world!

Sorry my dear blog. I know you were looking for a better update of my daily routin of life but….I am sad, I am mad and I am everything in between….