"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."

Monday, August 17, 2009

I am....

I am just sad.

It is true that literally there is not a single moment of any day (or any night for that matter) passes by in which I am not busy with one or the other task. It is true that even as I am typing these words I can hear the squeaky sound of little boss’s bed and know at any minute his little angelic voice will say: “Momma, are you there?”. It is true that peaceful boss turned out to be anything but peaceful :)...I still think he is peaceful only a new definition of the word of course :):)
He is a little “extremely cute and utterly handful” baby; one of those that at 2:30 am wakes up just to make sure mamma remembers that sleep is not that big a deal but playing with his royal highness the prince of dimples are the priority over everything……

But none of the time consuming ordeals, none of the fatigue and exhaustion, none of anything in the daily routine of my life prevented me from visiting my blog. What prevented me was this utter sadness that is in my heart.

I am just sad. One of those sadness that makes one speechless....makes one empty inside... Don’t think that I am not talking during my days. On the contrary!

I talk so much that sometimes at the end of the day my facial muscles feel they were running a marathon. Anyone that is a mother of a toddler and a baby knows that words and conversing is endlessly delightful. Even if one is so sad. Well in all honesty that is what is the joy in this sadness, that is the sanity in this madness and the light in this darkens: My very bright and delightful, extremely curious and utterly adorable little boss as well as my extremely energetic, very demanding and attention seeking, unbelievably “cute - melting your heart” boss (well lets say that officially “peaceful” boss’s name should change to something else. The jury is still out on that one in my mind).

I still battle with PTSD…sometimes the battle is daily in my life. “Shadi”, my dear cyber friend, wrote me something in the comment section, which made me come back to my blog and write this post. She wrote: “How is the PTSD? you know, it still comes back to me but it is just normal. I am the host and it is a guest, visits me briefly and leaves”. Her poetic description made me think of the amazing possibility that human body has to heal one self….and the amazing taste of “hope”…hope that there will be a month in the future that my “peaceful” boss will become a month older and on that particular day I do not recall the memory of him in the Sick Kids hospital but instead I would remember the blissful memory of giving birth to him….

My little friendly balloon is still very much up there, or in there or is in there somewhere….and still I am possibly the only person that love it more than hate it….which is another stamp in my insanity among my close circle of loved ones…..

I still experience some excruciating painful physical symptoms that sometimes can take my breath away…literally and metaphorically!

But neither the big scary PTSD nor the little red balloon….neither the fatigue nor the lack of time… none of the above mentioned details prevented me from coming to this blog. This deep sadness prevented me from writing anything. The type of sadness that sucked away all the words in my vocabulary repertory….and believe me I am a person with many words in a few different languages!

I am sad at this world that we live in. I am sad by it, with it and from it….what ever the proper grammar combination can be. These days I even rarely visit my usual TV news programs. I mean they gave me the good dose of reality a few weeks ago:

In a world that people are dying from hunger or so many man made and non man made diseases, in a world that people are trying so hard to get back what ever left of their dignity as human beings, in a world that people are drowning and gasping for one breath of “free” air, in a world that people are being raped and tortured and killed all over the place, in a world that everyone are slaves one way or another…in this beautiful ugly world of ours…we turn on the TV and the top breaking news for days after days is no other than Michael Jackson!

Well what can I say?

Maybe sadness is not the correct word after all. Maybe what I feel is total detachment from “this” reality we call our world!

Sorry my dear blog. I know you were looking for a better update of my daily routin of life but….I am sad, I am mad and I am everything in between….




7 comments:

Parinaz said...

Nice to hear from you at last; however you feel down...
And I know how it feels...
I know...

You might have been in a very different situation from me, but I believe every human being is in a deep sadness for some times of their life.
I passed a very dark part of my life recently and sometimes I just wonder how I could survive! There were some moments I would think no word can describe my sadness...
No word!

And now I know you cannot find a good word to say how you are.

And I know you are living in the deepest part of the ocean...
In the darkest part of it, where the time is so heavy...

But...can you possibly see those narrow lights from the corner of your eyes?

Anonymous said...

sorry my dear,but i am happy to hear from you.sadness is borne with us ,we only try to run away from it but there are periods that we can not.hope this period will end soon.
love you and miss you,
fire

Nava said...

Good to read from you again :)

Fire believes that sadness in born with us. I politely would like to argue with that. I don't think it's part of our nature. It is part of the sensitive souls' nature. Those who think and feel deeply not only for themselves, but for the others. Souls like you...

I understand you deeply, although I have another feeling as well. When I am desperatly sad, or sadly desperate, I get angry. And these are the emotions which I'm experiencing strongly these days, sadness, desperation and anger; more than anything caused by observing what is going on around us.
I guess we all need big doses of hope and happiness, huh?

Take care my dear MH!

Mommy Homeopath: said...

Dear Parinaz,
I am not that much connected to my blog...to my own cyber life I guess. But once in a while I miss you guys and come to visit. Today I came to visit you and noticed you increased the privacy of your blog and it is by invitation only- can imagine a few very good reasons to do that my cyber friend.
Anyway, I could not get an access and don’t know how you are these days. So if you are reading this just know that I hope you are OK and not that much bothered by the memory of the past...or the people of the past.
Thank you for all your warm words about my recent posts.

Parinaz said...

Thank you so much dear friend for caring! I was on a short trip for a while and that was the only reason I blocked my blog; but I am back now and although I have not written for quite a while, I am still in touch with my cyber friends.

Wish you luck, health and happiness all the time.
You are on the top of my prayers...

شادی said...

my dear dear mommy homeopath,

Leonard Cohen is one of my favorite singers/artists and I am going to quote him "there is a crack in everything and that is how the light gets in".
you know, when I am scared of the world we live in- which happens very often- i refuge to my son's room and lie down right beside him. All the fear and sadness goes away... you know what I mean.

So how is the very busy life? oh! i can only imagine! So maybe I should not be very hopeful that the second one will turn out peaceful! my Pesarak was very intense and demanding from the get go!

And thanks for the kind notes. I am feeling much better as of tonight. I did contact my friend/homeopath the second day of the drama! I think what she gave me helped me recover much faster. She also gave pesarak some remedies to boost his immune system so he wouldnt get it from me.

And yes my dear cyber friend, nothing is the same once you are a mama. You certainly cant even die with the peace of mind! I am not sure I would have dared becoming a mom, had I known how intense this love is going to be. It scares me sometimes.

How are you? The PTSD? mine always takes a nasty turn as we get closer to Winter. He got sick in march, Iranian new year night almost 18 months ago.

Many warm hugs for you.

شادی said...

My dear cyber friend,

I was thinking of you tonight and thought I could drop a line to say hi.
Hope all is well and the little ones are doing just great. The cold season is not helpful for my anxiety/PTSD as comes with it all sort of viruses and sickness but I live day by day, at least I try.

I miss reading you and the stories of your two little men.

blessings.