"IT" says good bye....

I look at my little 2 years - old baby boy and whisper to myself in wonder: “So this is when all begins! This is when it “sinks in” one way or another….this is when human being starts to realize that all good things come to an end, that what they are enjoying so much unavoidably comes to an end”.

Little boss is struggling with this “reality”...whether it is his beloved bath time that comes to an end or the Thomas the train show says goodbye or when the play time is enough and we have to go for a nap….He protests so hard. He can not understand why Thomas has to suddenly go or why mommy is telling him that “it is time to come out of the bath”….

For me it is a mesmerizing subject. Maybe because all my life I dread with passion, approaching “the end”…In all honesty I rarely enjoy the moments fully and completely, mostly because I KNOW it will end and that sadness, that deep feeling of loss, prevents me from enjoying the blissful moments. I think I have only 10-12 specific blissful moments in my life that I did not think of the next moment when all comes to an end. So looking at my beloved little boss, I am truly amazed by how quickly it all begins.

My better half and I mostly approach the subject by repeating to him that it will come again, he will have another bath, another Thomas’s show, Thomas needs to go and rest now, “Zoboomafoo” is going to eat his food, Bob the builder will build another project very soon, he can play after the nap…while all the time in my heart I feel this is really not a good way to approach this whole ordeal. So couple of days ago, while he and I were going through one of these episodes, I decided not to give him the illusion that “it will come back”. Because in all “reality”, “IT” the way that “IT” was, will never again come back. So I just held him tightly and decided to talk my points in his language as good as it gets – a little chit chat between mommy and son, something that we are already very used to it.

I told him: “Honey, I know how you must feel. Not feels good”.
Little boss suddenly became calm: “No good momma…I want that bath please!”.
Me: “But bath time finished. The end… You know: Bath time says good bye, “Tabooya” (His made up word for finish)”.
Little boss – in my total astonishment became Silence and then looked at me…: “Tabooya, goodbye….”
Me (putting my foot even deeper in my mouth!): “Tabooya, good bye….every thing says goodbye. Sometimes they will come back later and say hello again. But then they say Tabooya again”

(In my very stupid adult way I prepared myself for the big question of “WHY?” and instead my little boss in his absolute wisdom that only comes from the purity of his age asked me…)
Little boss: “Where go? Goodbye and where go?”
Me: hmmmm….Silence…
(And thinking: I heard about all the questions that will come and we the almighty parents don’t know the answers but I did not know it will be this soon!)

Me: “Well my love, I never thought of it this way. I don’t know”
Little boss: “Call it come mamma…“Bath” where are you? I am here.”
Me: “That will sometimes work but “bath time” will not come back right now. It needs some time”.

And this was when he decided that enough is enough and if “this bath time” is not coming back as soon as he wants, he will not wait anymore and he can go to his next project….such a healthy attitude really. Why should we wait for something that is not coming when we want them to come back!!!!???

I went through all the rituals that night. I sang and read and kissed and hugged endlessly and eventually put him in bed and walked out of his room….I went and sat somewhere in silence and in the dark. The whole ordeal touched so many things some where in my psyche….I travelled in time…to a crispy beautiful afternoon in June years ago…

Destination: A local ice cream café in the fairy city of Prague!
This particular ice cream café is a very small and clean place. One of those place that tourists are not aware of it. You can see local there as their usual customers. It is in “Staré Město” (Old Town) not far from St. Vitus Cathedral….in this little place I had one of my best ice creams.

I can truly say the only other ice cream that its taste stayed with me until now, is from a little Café in my beloved Italy and in the city of Balsamic vinegar; Modena. Some where hidden in Centro storico, there is this little warm place with the aroma of caffè espresso. No matter what season it is, you walk in and you feel the warmth of Italy – even if it is mid December or January. The owner, Luigi, gives you one of those famous Italian smiles and shouts “Ciao Bella!” and you feel you are indeed a “Bella” walking in this store. He tries very hard to make sure you are having his famous Cioccolato or at least Straccicatella Gelato and swears for you that his Tiramisù flavor is even better than the one in Treviso or Siena itself (the two cities with the claims that Tiramisù were their creation! What can I say, Italians really take their food seriously)… In all honesty there is something more than a Gelato or Tartufo in that small place. The whole experience makes it memorable, like anything else in Italy - not Tourist Italy but Italian Italy. By now I concluded that there is something in the soil, water and language of Italy that makes one believes whole heartedly in “La dolce Vita”. But writing about my beloved Italy can be the subject of another post all together….


Back to Prague….
In that particular afternoon, in the company of few of my loved ones, I had a truly “memorable” ice cream. Whoever knows me, knows that I am not an ice cream person – or sweet person for that matter. So when I almost licked my bowel of ice cream my better half smiled and said you really liked this one ha?…and I replied: I can not believe it is finished so quickly. He said: why don’t you order another one? Well, I was truly full….I sat there, looked at the old town with its fairy landscape and the life that was going on in the street and in the air…while I could hear the voices of the happy conversation of my company in the background. It was a combination of peaceful and exciting moment. One of those rare moments in time that you have the two extremes side by side and actually enjoying the contrast. I looked at the table and noticed everyone is done with their portions and the conversation was already about the plan for that night and let’s get ready to go….Suddenly I felt such a deep sadness in my bones. I could not believe my perfect moment was over. Why did it have to be so short? The rest of that day, that sadness stayed with me….In my mind, I wanted the taste of that ice cream again….

Few days after that, in another beautiful afternoon, I made sure the planning go somehow that we all go back there for another ice cream. We walked in and out of total coincident even sat on the same spot. Every one ordered ice creams and I was the only one that ordered the same flavor – did not want to spoil my moment by any surprise!

We had our ice cream, chat, laughed and looked around but in my disbelief, as delicious as the ice cream was, it was not as good as the first time…..

That day I went for a stroll on the Charles Bridge. I stood in the middle of the historic sight and leaned against the wall and looked at the Vltava River for a long time. I was watching the flow of the water and thinking about the memory of my ice cream.

No matter how many times you repeat an experience, it always is a new event. It does not matter how many times you push the rewind bottom and listen to your favorite music, it is not the same as the first time you heard it, as the first time it took your breath away.

There are times that you might even feel better, more blissful and happier when you are listening to that music for the 100 times. But is it really the music that you are hearing for the 100 times? It never is….it was not “the ice cream”, it was that moment, that spot in the universe and time where so many perfect roads came together and created the perfect experience….

“IT” will never come back my son. Another “IT” will come, sometimes even better and more joyful than the first “IT”…but that “IT” says good bye and goes and echoes in the memory of the universe where everything lives over and over and over again for the very first time!

When I was not looking…

They say: “when you are not searching, you will find it”…they say: “the best thing happens when you least expects it”….
Well I think at least for once, “they” are correct!

I was not searching at all, I did not expect ANYTHING that day…I woke up to that very ordinary day and did my very ordinary things and went to that very familiar place…and there you were. I was among my "sister- friend"s and you were among your good friends. I turned around and met your eyes staring at me…your eyes that were blinking with stars in them…and somewhere deep down in my soul I knew I am at the presence of a miracle!

I was too proud to acknowledge what is happening. I resisted it for long time. You on the other hand, are always much healthier than me. Your pride is always more balanced than mine. You knew that there is no reason to deny the most profound love of all.

Surrender to loving you was indeed one of the most glorious moments of my life.
Your existence in my life is the highest miracle of all….
Any blissful moment in my life somehow originated from you…you are in the center of all that is blissful and magnificent for me.

You look at me and I know you are reading me inside out, no need for words, no need for explanations…no need to hide anything from you…you accept me with no condition, no judgment, no prejudice….and that was how it was from the first “hello”!

To be myself with you, with no censorship and hiding, is the easiest thing in my life…and “that” you know so well, does not come naturally or easily to me!

Indeed from the start I knew I am “home”, the only home that I ever know in my entire life. You are the one that I come to, no matter how far I run away in my wild searches in life. The stars in your eyes are the North Star that helps me find my way back to “home”, no matter how lost I am or ever will be…

Just a simple touch of your hand can free me from all the demons and self made prisons in my life.

You, my love, are the only one in the universe that gives me unconditional peace in life…a luxury that is so rare for my turbulent personality.
You lift all the worries, all the fears, all the frustrations and all my running away.
Ah how easily you take away my unbearable heaviness of being…

You bring hope to my heart, erase my sadness, and bring the deepest desire in me to be better version of myself: to exercise forgiveness more and accept flaws as if they are unique beauties in a masterpiece called human being. Your unconditional tolerance for people always amazes me….

And above all, you make me laugh no matter how sad or mad or hopeless I feel. You are possibly the only one in the entire universe that can bring out the deep, from the core laughter, to me…the kind of laughter that is with no boundary, the kind that makes one loose herself in the moment of life….I never know how you do it my dearest dear!

You came to “be” in this world, few years earlier than me and at that moment all the Gods in the universe were smiling upon my soul…you were the miracle, the beacon of hope and love that was coming to be in my life.

I cherish your being with all my heart and soul.
I go to the most sacred alter of my life, to pray to all divinity in the world and give thanks for the blessing that is your soul…

Thank you for “being” my dear love, my closest friend.

I love you more than any words in any language can describe…but then again my love, you know the depth of my love for you…no need to talk, no need to write….just to gaze in each others’ soul….

Life moves on....

“And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?”
He said that a lifetime ago, so casually and carelessly…

I told him: “Wow, where is that from?”
He replied with sudden seriousness in his posture: “Does it need to be from anywhere to make it more or less true for a person?”….

…..

It was the first time that I saw the face of a “loss”. I was too young to process the reason and too old to EVER forget the pain. It was the first time that I saw with my own eyes, it is not a myth when one’s hair becomes ALL white just over a night. It was the first time that I saw life can be so unfair. The unfairness was no longer in the books or the media or even the stories of the neighborhood…the unfairness hit unexpectedly, out of absolute no where. It was the first time in my life that I wondered about the big question of all: “and what is the lesson in this one? Does she need any more lessons after this?”

I saw her stunningly beautiful face collapsed under the unbearable heaviness of the pain. She stopped all the clocks, cut off the telephone line and let her life stops for eternity. For her the stars did not blink any more, the moon and the sun disappeared forever. For me, she being still alive is the unfairness of all….Death can be such a mercy sometimes….

It was the first time that I understood what did Auden meant by:
“He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest…”

Eventually for all his friends, life did move on. Surprisingly the force of life is stronger for youth. We carried his torch as much as we could. We, his “soul – brothers” and “soul – sisters”, flew away in different directions…each had our own cross to carry…as that is the definition of life. We experienced the bliss and sorrow of life, each in our own way and we continue to experience that in our daily routine of life.

I grew up so much in the years that followed. I aged beyond my years not by passing of time but by my experiences in life….I hit the bottom of my abyss and felt so many times life is not worth living even for another single breath…and I flew high on the wings of the most profound bliss and thanked all Gods in the universe for being alive just to experience those moments…..and like most of the people, most of the time I lead a simple life in between those extremes.

We lived and she lived "HIS" life through each and every one of us. She became our surrogate mother and our children became her grandchildren, the children of the one that she will never have…

…..

I called her yesterday… we both knew it is few days earlier than THE day. We talked; we even laughed…a progress for this time of the year…a progress that comes only when so many years are passed.

I could smell the familiar aroma, hear the familiar sounds, and watch the passing of the familiar autumn day from her window…that friendly window that I miss so much....

I could see the familiar pain…so far away and yet I could reach and touch her pain.

The pain that did not become less, no matter how long is passed…
The pain that is intensified by the hundred echoes of the memories…
The pain that is prolonged with the imagination of the life that could have been….that should have been…
The pain that only became more hidden by passing of a time that feels like an eternity…

And “That” pain is heavier than ever for me, “HER” pain that I feel more than before since I experienced “the heart of a mother”….

“There is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels WITH someone…”
My thoughts flew away: where did I read this? I wondered….

And then his words, echoed in time “no matter where it is from, nothing makes it more or less true for one person”…I swear I heard the ringing of his laughter….

You were so right my dear friend; No one ever reads a book. He reads himself through books, either to discover or to control himself..…I smiled….

We were saying our usual goodbyes…don’t worry for me, I love you, I miss you…

And then her sudden seriousness, the mirror of that other familiar soul: “Promise you will take care of yourself, you have no idea how precious your life is for me”…and then her whisper in the phone: “Wish you were here...”

The silence that is pregnant with all the things that she wanted to say...

I said with hidden tears in my voice: “You will remember my flowers for him, won’t you?”
And her reply: “Always!”

To be or not to be?

Have you experienced one of those moments in life that everything that comes to your road is pointing to one subject?

Some call it synchronicity, some call it pure coincidence...and a particular friend of mine thinks the whole thing is because a person is sensitive to that subject at that moment of time, therefore she notices it more frequent but the frequency of happening it, is exactly like always....

I do belong to the camp of synchronicity....but in all honesty most of the time I think "WHO CARES WHAT IS THE REASON. IT IS HAPPENING AND THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE"!

So in last couple of weeks, I hear sentences like this so often:
"Oh you are pregnant with your second one, how brave you are!", "I am not sure how can I bring kids to this world. Look at the situation in the world, the recession, the genocide, Darfur...", "I think I have to have full self awareness before become a parent", "Kudos to you, you are really brave to put your heart for more anxiety, heartbreak and fear out there", "with this terrible world, I am so fearful to become a parent".....and so on.

Interestingly I hear these things from strangers in the grocery shop, patients in my clinic, my acquaintances, my friends and even read them in different blogs (mommy blogs and non mommy blogs)!

The whole thing put me in a loop, one of those that you think and think and think and then you realize you just went so deep that you don't even know which way is up and which way down?!

Today a patient told me something that made me come out of my loop and have an answer to it all...at least an answer for myself. She said: "I am always afraid if one day in the future the child will tell me: why did you bring me to life? What is so good about it when there is so much terrible things around us".

Believe it or not, I am not that much out of touch with disasters in our world. Not only by nature I lean toward pessimism - believe it or not! - but thanks to my profession I come in touch with unbearable individuals' suffering: from people as young as 3 years old kids battling with sever terminal cancer, to men and women in their prime of life going through blindness and so much more thanks to MS, to people that are hitting the bottom of the abyss of depression, to a wife that witnesses his husband disappears right in front of her eyes after 45 years of marriage thanks to Alzheimer's.....I see men and women at any age, healthy in body and sick in mind, go through many different kind of addictions and throw away what ever time they have on this earth.

I am not blind to the cruelty of our race, to the rape and genocide that happens ALL the time at one part or the other of this planet we call home. My heart aches for the children that are being sold right at this minute as I am typing these meaningless words. I go to a rage with the thought of child abduction and child slavery. I feel a sinking sensation every time that I think of the women that has to sell themselves to bring food for their children....

I am aware of the pressure that still is on women...no matter which part of the world they live in. Some are as obvious as in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia and some are as hidden as in US, Canada and Europe.

It is a long time now that I realized that human race is the most cruel and senseless of all the animals...a race that can kill another human so merciless, or worse than that, a race that can torture and abuses another being in every sense of the word....

I also live in this world that the cost of life is going to the roof, that soon we will need a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread....I am living in the same world that politicians are talking sweet and acting cruel, in the same world that the word "patriotism" is being used so carelessly and as a mean for any action, in the same land that freedom is just a myth and deep down the fear rules us all....

I live in this world that "Machiavelli" would have been so proud of his "Prince" every day of the year. I am breathing the same dingy air of lie, deceit and corruption. I am living in the same society that the race to gain power is the highest nobility of humanity, a world that intolerance for the individual rights for life is nothing but poetry.....

Shall I go on my friends?....

Believe me, I am not telling you all this to persuade you to become a parent. I am as "pro choice" as it comes, for EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I believe people make choices for their lives and all of those choices deserves the highest respect of all, even if we disagree...especially if we disagree!

Most of the time I question the actions and not the intention. So I am the advocate of choice no question in it. Those that know me well, know that I actually believe, WITH ALL MY HEART, that not everyone needs to be a parent - or should be for that matter- in order to fulfill their lessons in life. We come to this world for a reason or two and not necessarily that means we have to bare children of our own or care for any child at all to fulfill our "destiny" - what ever this controversial word means!

But I am going through all these meaningless words one after another to ask you only one point:

Have you ever looked at sunrise? did a sunset ever took your breath away? Have you smelled a flower and felt mesmerized by it? Did you listen to the silence of the nature and think of the grandness of it all? Have you looked at "Botticelli's primavera", listened to "Moonlight sonata" and gazed in the vision of "Gaudi" and felt in awe of the ability of another human being? Did you think of mother Theresa and her unbelievable selflessness despite the deceit of the religion, the abyss of her depression and the darkness of the world? Have you looked up in the starry night and went to a silent prayer for the vastness of the world?

Have you ever fell in love? Did you feel the ache of every cell of your body in the yearning of touching the hands of the beloved? Have you gazed in the eyes of the lover and sank in there for all eternity? Did you ever feel love...even if it was supposed to come to an end one day in the near or distant future?

If the answer to any of these is "yes"...then my friend, do you think was it fair for you to miss this "life"? Was it better for you to not have been born? did you prefer to miss the feeling of LOVE in ANY shape or form?

After all:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."