An open letter to parents…all of us out there!

I wonder when did it all start…this “generation gap”, this “misunderstanding” between a parent and a child….was it chicken or egg first?

In last few months I am deeply sad and seriously in thoughts for the way that all of us, one way or another – make negative impacts on the most beloved beings in our lives. It is not hard to be shocked when you turn on the news and hear about all the abuse and murders that is being done by no others than parents. I remember in April / May the case of that Austrian man made me have nightmares and enormous sadness for weeks and weeks. So while in the one end of spectrum there are these unbelievable monsters, they are not who I am referring to here. I am referring to all of us, the ordinary people that bring human beings to this world with hope and joy and do our best to provide for them – physically, emotionally and spiritually I hope!

And then somewhere down the road, we are the sole responsible of inflicting wounds on their psyche….wounds that are so hidden and so deep that might not be healed and very well might be transferred to the next generation and the generation after that.

I was thinking of a particular example that I hear so often. When parents can not understand why their “grown up children” can not accept them the way they are….after all they are old, aged and no room for “change” anymore….
Well what do you expect?

Did you ever accept that child JUST the way she or he was?
Did you accept her / him with all the fears, anxieties, stubbornness, sensitivities, low self confidence…..?
Or did you try your best to “change” her / him? To make her / him a better version?

Do you even accept your child when she / he is no longer a child...is an adult with a life to lead and a role to fullfill?

And that is the big million dollar question…..did you try to make her / him a better version of “herself/ himself” or a better version period?

It is like sculpting with clay. A good clay artist always cherishs and honors the clay just the way it is. Then with love and respect to the “being” of the clay, she or he will start smoothing the edges…..

I mean becoming the better version of oneself means you already accept and cherish the clay that you are working with, even if the clay will not end up being your version of anything (ESPECIALLY if the clay does not end up like your vision!)….

But making someone the better version means the version that she or he is or will choose to be is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR STANDARD.

So in the name of parenting, how many of us did or do that on daily basis?
How many of us want to “change” our children with the big excuse of “improving you and your life”?
How many of us are so disrespectful to their “being”?
How many of us are even aware of this abomination?

How many of us told our children “stop crying, you are a big girl/ boy now”…“Why are you afraid of everything?”….“Why don’t you have many friends?”…. “Why can’t you be social?”….“Why are you so sensitive….or have no self esteem?’’… “ You have to do this, because I say so and I know much better than you”…"too emotional, too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that".....shall I go on or does these sentences sound familiar to us?

Lately I seriously doubt and challenge the concept of “a parent is a self less being”…are we? What does that mean in your dictionary?…let’s just be clear of the meanings word for word.
Are we sure we are not selfish? I mean are we sure what we are doing is not the core definition of selfishness?

Well not only we try to “change” our children, we are not satisfied with the people in society, in our circle of friends or family. They also are not “good enough”. We also NEED to change them, to make them “improve” themselves…of course all is in the name of love and care and being a responsible human being….I mean come on!

When did we fall asleep and woke up in a parallel universe that everything has another meaning?

The reality is that we give / gave examples to our children all their lives, that nothing or nobody is GOOD ENOUGH for us….that everyone INCLDUING THEM (sadly, so sadly) needs modification to become “better” for our existance…and then one day that child is an adult and stands up to our face and tell us that she or he DOES NOT accept us the way we are…that why can’t we do this or that? That why can’t we change?

And what is the typical answer:
I am “….” old, I can not change anymore…didn’t you know that I am like this all my life? Why can’t you let me be?

Well of course the child can not accept us the way we are, after all she/he was an excellent student in our classroom. She / he learned that nothing is good enough unless it fits our way of thinking…..our way of life...our way of good and bad, right and wrong....strong and weak....

So welcome to the never ending fight between generations….welcome to rage, disappointment, sadness, hurts and wounds that never heals and ongoing saga of was it chicken or egg first?