The SHOCK....

He was sleeping in his crib when we arrived from the hospital. They discharged us in the evening and the drive home was long and slippery!

We came in, bringing our little baby boy home for the first time....

I asked Oma “Is he sleeping?” and my mom replied “Yes, he is.” and I felt an ache in my heart. I wanted to fly to his room and touch him but little peaceful boss really was hungry and TRULY was patient during the LONG drive home. So I had to tend to his need first.

After that I still did not want to go to little boss’s room. I needed to take a shower and clean myself. That was possibly one of the quickest showers in the history – and trust me when I tell you that I learned to take very quick showers since I became a mother, something that was very difficult for me to give up as I LOVE water and its sensation on my body.

So with my bath robe on and water dripping from my body I walked into his room. The familiar aroma welcomed me immediately. I took it all in. It was the smell of my little boss. From the corner of my eyes I could see one of his favorite books on the floor and I could hear his delicate voice imitating the poem for me: “Mommy sing it again: Wynken, Blynken and Nod…”

I hold my breath in and bent down and looked into his crib. There, in the dark, was he, my first born. Tangled in his blankets, head on his favorite teddy bear and feet out…sweaty and all.

And there it was...the deep shock: “Where did my baby go? I was away for only couple of days and he is grown up so much?”

I had tears in my eyes. He was grown up. Was it possible that he was so changed in couple of days or the fact that I had a newborn baby in my arms for last 48 hours made everything looked bigger?!

A friend of mine wrote an email to me a week prior to this: “when you change your first newborn diaper you will realize for the first time that your toddler is no longer a baby and is grown up so much.” I read it and did not think of it that much. Now I had tears in my eyes.

Where did my baby go? I was not looking at him ONLY for two days of his life and look how much I missed!

I bent over the rail and touched his curly hairs, use all my self control not to wake him up with the tsunami of the kisses that was in my heart. Every muscle of my body was aching for a hug and cuddle.

I only looked at him and whispered to him in my heart.

I told him about the big surprise that he will have when he wakes up tomorrow morning, that his brother also brought him a present that I am really sure he will love, that mommy is so worried about the changes that he has to go through, that sometimes mommy asks herself that was this the right timing and is there any right timing for this type of lessons in life?

I told him that although he has a turbulent time ahead of him, giving him a sibling was the best thing that mommy and daddy could do for him...and he better trust me on that because I know what does it mean to be the only child....

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And then the tears ran down my face. I was crying so intensely....I whispered to him that how I love him and adore him and how much I miss him. That how every touch of his brother cheek against my breasts brings a memory of him to me. That how every suck and newborn skin against my skin makes my heart burst with love for the peaceful boss and yearn deeply for the little boss.

I told him the story of the last 48 hours, things that I might never actually tell him…I told him about how he gave his little brother the best gift of all: a better version of his mother…and I told him that how much my love for the peaceful boss made my love for little boss grows and grows and grows….

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And my heart ached for my baby, my little boss…..

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I came out of his room and my red nose and watery eyes made my mother worried. I told her: “He grew up so much. Even his feet are bigger”…and Oma looked at me as if she is looking at a mad woman – although in all honesty she is really used to my madness by now – and replied: “He is exactly the same. Nothing is changed in last 48 hours”….and I replied: “Oh mom, everything is changed!”

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He is still every inch my baby, a big baby but still my baby. In the quiet and dark of the night, he is no longer a toddler seeking for his independency, no longer a little boy aching to be a big boy, no longer a big brother struggling to share his mamma, he is only my baby….soft and vulnerable and in need of me…always in need of me.

Oh how I am thankful for him and his little brother….

The first lesson...

He was in our bed. Some times around midnight my pregnant body did not allow me anymore to sleep under his crib and his fever was not allowing my anxious heart to leave him alone….so we moved him to our big bed. In the middle of our bed, his body looked even smaller than usual…a few hours after that his forehead touched my face and I kissed it and guessed that fever is broken…I vividly remember what I whispered to myself: “Maybe I can get couple of hours of sleep now”…and what came after that was a surprise to me: a sharp pain that took my breath away…

By now I am convinced that no matter how many times a woman went through labor, the initiation of the whole procedure is always a surprise and shock for her…and indeed it was a surprise for me. I tried to deny it just for the sake of some sleep, but no such luck!
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I was bending double with my contraction pains over little boss’s sleeping body to see my baby one last time before I go to the hospital…my body made a bridge over his tiny little one. …I knew the next time that I will see him, our lives as we knew and got used to it will be over and a new one will start….

The contractions were getting closer and the pain was sharper than ever and yet I could not make myself to leave his side. In last 48 hours he had fever and although the fever broke just before my contraction started, still I could see the exhausted state in his body’s posture.

At that time I did not know but when I came back from the hospital I saw the tiny sharp tip of the last second molar. My son was teething his last second molar. We had this teething discomfort for the last 2 months with each and every second molar…little boss who normally did not have any discomfort with other 16 teeth, went through a lot of pain with these last 4. It was really ironic for me. In many anthropology studies of different cultures, teething is considered as a right of passage. Little boss was going through the last step of one of his right of passages as mommy was going to deliver his little brother to this world. In a way he was maturing, body and soul!

Mommy on the other hand was torn apart. I knew very well that I don’t have that much time, especially with my record of fast labor and the long drive to the hospital. On the other hand, how could I leave him, even though I knew Oma and Opa will take the best care of him…still no one is a mother especially when you are in pain!

I myself called for my mother couple of hours after in my delivery room…indeed no one is one’s mother….

Right at that moment when I was thinking of how much more time I can stay at home, a sharp pain took my breath away. The angel on his way was giving me a signal that he also needs me…..

I kissed little boss’s sweaty head and swallowed my tears and left the room….
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Peaceful boss entered this world and the moment was extraordinary and magical. After little boss I never thought I will experience such an intensity of love and bliss…but I did. It was not like what I experienced with little boss and still it was equally magical and blissful beyond explanation. I was more mature than the first time, I already explored new depth of love and “in love”ness all thanks to little boss. In a way that is his gift to his little brother: a more mature and experienced mother, who knows much more about love and loving than the first time!

In those initial moments I was only consumed with my peaceful boss. The world around us did not exist. We were together somewhere in the universe and I could not hear, see or smell anything but him….and then I came down from heaven to our planet earth… still in the labor room and still swimming in the miracle that just happened and yet my mind and heart started to ache for the other one simultaneously. I was already missing my little boss and his delicate chat and also I was unbelievably worried for him.

It was such an ambivalence of feelings: the bliss and total happiness on one side and anxiety and achiness of heart on the other side. My better half, not knowing what is happening in my psyche, picked up the phone to call Oma and Opa to let them know all went well and I whispered to him: “First ask how is little boss? Does he have fever? How did he wake up?....”
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This is how I got the first lesson of being a mother of two….I learned that as long as I live my heart will beat in two places; that my soul will be spontaneously in two places at any given moment; that even if my body will not be with both of them or either of them still my mind, my heart and my soul will be with both….

It is a strange kind of unity, a unity that comes from division. I guess that is the ultimate meaning of totality……

And this is what my peaceful boss taught me with his first breath….

Our baby angel arrived….

He is here and he is perfect and he already taught me a big lesson in life…that one can be in love at every second of her life with all her heart and soul…with more than one person!

I never thought I will ever love anyone the way that I love little boss…well live and learn my friend, live and learn!

The moment that I hold his naked body on my chest, I knew I am head over hill in love with him…with a little baby so delicate and precious…so angelic…

It is totally beyond imagination the description of the two grate love that are equal and yet not equal because after all these two individuals are so different…and believe me they are.

It is also interesting how one can feel happy and joyful when every part of her body is in pain…a pain as if being broken in pieces…a kind of pain that only a natural birth can leaves behind for a while…..

Our new arrival is not even a week old and still one can see the mind blowing individuality in the two brothers, the difference in their bodies and personalities…

So while I am still searching for a proper cyber name for my new arrival, I am tempted to call him for the time being “peaceful boss”….He really is!

Little boss took my breath away with his amazing reaction to the existence of his new brother outside of “the belly”. It really is worthy of a whole new entry. But just for now let me say my kind and emotional little boss loves his brother and showers him with shy kisses…and then once in a while you see the dilemma that goes on in his tiny generous heart: “He would have LOVED to have peaceful boss with him twenty four seven, if only somehow he did not have to share mommy with him or with anyone else for that matter”…..He is learning a big lesson and I am learning it with him. The whole dimension of sharing is as new to me as to my little boss. After all I am the only child and do not know what it means to have a sibling with all its pains and gains……

But life is a good teacher….

Life these days is beautiful, lovely, chaotic, hectic, energy consuming, very confusing and yet blissfully magical in our little household….. I will write more when some time comes in my way in my daily routine of life…will I ever have a routine of life again? I wonder….