The first lesson...

He was in our bed. Some times around midnight my pregnant body did not allow me anymore to sleep under his crib and his fever was not allowing my anxious heart to leave him alone….so we moved him to our big bed. In the middle of our bed, his body looked even smaller than usual…a few hours after that his forehead touched my face and I kissed it and guessed that fever is broken…I vividly remember what I whispered to myself: “Maybe I can get couple of hours of sleep now”…and what came after that was a surprise to me: a sharp pain that took my breath away…

By now I am convinced that no matter how many times a woman went through labor, the initiation of the whole procedure is always a surprise and shock for her…and indeed it was a surprise for me. I tried to deny it just for the sake of some sleep, but no such luck!
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I was bending double with my contraction pains over little boss’s sleeping body to see my baby one last time before I go to the hospital…my body made a bridge over his tiny little one. …I knew the next time that I will see him, our lives as we knew and got used to it will be over and a new one will start….

The contractions were getting closer and the pain was sharper than ever and yet I could not make myself to leave his side. In last 48 hours he had fever and although the fever broke just before my contraction started, still I could see the exhausted state in his body’s posture.

At that time I did not know but when I came back from the hospital I saw the tiny sharp tip of the last second molar. My son was teething his last second molar. We had this teething discomfort for the last 2 months with each and every second molar…little boss who normally did not have any discomfort with other 16 teeth, went through a lot of pain with these last 4. It was really ironic for me. In many anthropology studies of different cultures, teething is considered as a right of passage. Little boss was going through the last step of one of his right of passages as mommy was going to deliver his little brother to this world. In a way he was maturing, body and soul!

Mommy on the other hand was torn apart. I knew very well that I don’t have that much time, especially with my record of fast labor and the long drive to the hospital. On the other hand, how could I leave him, even though I knew Oma and Opa will take the best care of him…still no one is a mother especially when you are in pain!

I myself called for my mother couple of hours after in my delivery room…indeed no one is one’s mother….

Right at that moment when I was thinking of how much more time I can stay at home, a sharp pain took my breath away. The angel on his way was giving me a signal that he also needs me…..

I kissed little boss’s sweaty head and swallowed my tears and left the room….
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Peaceful boss entered this world and the moment was extraordinary and magical. After little boss I never thought I will experience such an intensity of love and bliss…but I did. It was not like what I experienced with little boss and still it was equally magical and blissful beyond explanation. I was more mature than the first time, I already explored new depth of love and “in love”ness all thanks to little boss. In a way that is his gift to his little brother: a more mature and experienced mother, who knows much more about love and loving than the first time!

In those initial moments I was only consumed with my peaceful boss. The world around us did not exist. We were together somewhere in the universe and I could not hear, see or smell anything but him….and then I came down from heaven to our planet earth… still in the labor room and still swimming in the miracle that just happened and yet my mind and heart started to ache for the other one simultaneously. I was already missing my little boss and his delicate chat and also I was unbelievably worried for him.

It was such an ambivalence of feelings: the bliss and total happiness on one side and anxiety and achiness of heart on the other side. My better half, not knowing what is happening in my psyche, picked up the phone to call Oma and Opa to let them know all went well and I whispered to him: “First ask how is little boss? Does he have fever? How did he wake up?....”
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This is how I got the first lesson of being a mother of two….I learned that as long as I live my heart will beat in two places; that my soul will be spontaneously in two places at any given moment; that even if my body will not be with both of them or either of them still my mind, my heart and my soul will be with both….

It is a strange kind of unity, a unity that comes from division. I guess that is the ultimate meaning of totality……

And this is what my peaceful boss taught me with his first breath….