The SHOCK....

He was sleeping in his crib when we arrived from the hospital. They discharged us in the evening and the drive home was long and slippery!

We came in, bringing our little baby boy home for the first time....

I asked Oma “Is he sleeping?” and my mom replied “Yes, he is.” and I felt an ache in my heart. I wanted to fly to his room and touch him but little peaceful boss really was hungry and TRULY was patient during the LONG drive home. So I had to tend to his need first.

After that I still did not want to go to little boss’s room. I needed to take a shower and clean myself. That was possibly one of the quickest showers in the history – and trust me when I tell you that I learned to take very quick showers since I became a mother, something that was very difficult for me to give up as I LOVE water and its sensation on my body.

So with my bath robe on and water dripping from my body I walked into his room. The familiar aroma welcomed me immediately. I took it all in. It was the smell of my little boss. From the corner of my eyes I could see one of his favorite books on the floor and I could hear his delicate voice imitating the poem for me: “Mommy sing it again: Wynken, Blynken and Nod…”

I hold my breath in and bent down and looked into his crib. There, in the dark, was he, my first born. Tangled in his blankets, head on his favorite teddy bear and feet out…sweaty and all.

And there it was...the deep shock: “Where did my baby go? I was away for only couple of days and he is grown up so much?”

I had tears in my eyes. He was grown up. Was it possible that he was so changed in couple of days or the fact that I had a newborn baby in my arms for last 48 hours made everything looked bigger?!

A friend of mine wrote an email to me a week prior to this: “when you change your first newborn diaper you will realize for the first time that your toddler is no longer a baby and is grown up so much.” I read it and did not think of it that much. Now I had tears in my eyes.

Where did my baby go? I was not looking at him ONLY for two days of his life and look how much I missed!

I bent over the rail and touched his curly hairs, use all my self control not to wake him up with the tsunami of the kisses that was in my heart. Every muscle of my body was aching for a hug and cuddle.

I only looked at him and whispered to him in my heart.

I told him about the big surprise that he will have when he wakes up tomorrow morning, that his brother also brought him a present that I am really sure he will love, that mommy is so worried about the changes that he has to go through, that sometimes mommy asks herself that was this the right timing and is there any right timing for this type of lessons in life?

I told him that although he has a turbulent time ahead of him, giving him a sibling was the best thing that mommy and daddy could do for him...and he better trust me on that because I know what does it mean to be the only child....

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And then the tears ran down my face. I was crying so intensely....I whispered to him that how I love him and adore him and how much I miss him. That how every touch of his brother cheek against my breasts brings a memory of him to me. That how every suck and newborn skin against my skin makes my heart burst with love for the peaceful boss and yearn deeply for the little boss.

I told him the story of the last 48 hours, things that I might never actually tell him…I told him about how he gave his little brother the best gift of all: a better version of his mother…and I told him that how much my love for the peaceful boss made my love for little boss grows and grows and grows….

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And my heart ached for my baby, my little boss…..

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I came out of his room and my red nose and watery eyes made my mother worried. I told her: “He grew up so much. Even his feet are bigger”…and Oma looked at me as if she is looking at a mad woman – although in all honesty she is really used to my madness by now – and replied: “He is exactly the same. Nothing is changed in last 48 hours”….and I replied: “Oh mom, everything is changed!”

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He is still every inch my baby, a big baby but still my baby. In the quiet and dark of the night, he is no longer a toddler seeking for his independency, no longer a little boy aching to be a big boy, no longer a big brother struggling to share his mamma, he is only my baby….soft and vulnerable and in need of me…always in need of me.

Oh how I am thankful for him and his little brother….