Wake me up…

Less than 24 hours before all these events, I wrote a reply for Parinaz in my comment box.

I did not know how soon I will be tested in my belief in those words…

“Pleasure is a gift of destiny

That reveals its value in the present,

While suffering is a source of insight

Whose significance will become evident in the future.”

What a curse it is to know…what a curse it is….
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He was refusing to be fed, the better half was blaming it on his stuffy nose that he had in last 12 hours and was trying to wipe off the anxious look from my face… my mother was trying to calm me down by telling me that “kids catch cold…as a mother you have to get used to it”…and I was like a bird in a cage hitting myself to the walls, trying anything and everything…in all honesty the mother intuition is something else. I knew something was not right. Don’t ask me why because at that point of time, he did not have ANY other symptom other than stuffy nose and bad eating….I on the other hand was checking his fontanels, counting the number of hours since his last wet diaper, checking to see any sign of blueness around his mouth and nose…

Then suddenly I could not breathe anymore. I was gasping for air… and that is when I stood up, put him in his cradle and started packing his diaper bag and told my better half with a factual tone: “We are going to the…hospital right now” (a very well known and reputable children hospital)…I ignored the look of shock on everyone’s face. My mother tried to protest: “but he is just having a cold” and my better half tried to calm me down: “That hospital is for serious cases and is in downtown, very far away. Do you want us to go to a walk in clinic considering that it is weekend and his doctor is not in the office? That will be quicker you know”…and I did not hear anything. I was not hearing anything other than his breath….. “I am ready. We go to that hospital. TRUST ME ON THIS”. My better half looked at me and right then and there I knew he got my anxiety. Anxiety is indeed contagious. He did not say a word after that. But he knew that I KNOW….
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The drive to the hospital was LONG and peaceful boss was indeed peaceful. Just before turning into the emergency entrance, he opened his eyes and started crying, it was a weak and heart braking cry. I think he sensed the hell that was waiting for him.

Better half dropped us in front of the ER entrance: “You go in and I will park and come”…and I picked up the car seat and the diaper bag and looked at him through the mirror: “please hurry up”….
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The triage nurse asked me his symptoms and I described them for her. Her first question: “Are you in medical field?” and my blank look….then she said: “It is probably just a cold” and I cut her right there: “It is not JUST a cold. You need to check him up immediately. In last 10 minutes waiting here, his pattern of breathing is changed. I need you to check him up IMMEDIATELY”. From the corner of my eyes I could see the shock on my better half’s face. I think my raised voice made both of them jump. She took my poor tiny baby and made him naked. Temp: 37.7 (the nurse said “it is not a fever” and I am thinking but he did not have this temp at home. Things were progressing quickly and that is not a good sign)…and then she hooked him to the monitor to check the vitals and the horrible alarm went off, the alarm that I heard its noise million times over and over in the next two weeks that followed and yet every time it induced the same initial shocking effect on my heart and soul…my better half asked me with a shaky voice: “what is happening?” and I with a face like a statue replied “His oxygen level is low”. And the nurse tried to sound reassuring “It can be because of the stuffy nose” and I replied “not when it is this low”…..

It is a curse to know…it is a curse to know….

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They gave us a room in the ER, not a bed or a cubical but a room. The doctor walked in and I read her tag and said to myself: “not a resident or a fellow but the chief doctor in ER”….She started reviewing the case as the triage nurse had it half an hour ago. I stopped her and corrected few things as the symptoms changed dramatically in last half an hour. “I think you should check his Temp again. He is burning to my lips. Also his breathing is very irregular, he developed indrawing of the chest and head bobbing while we were waiting and he started coughing in last half an hour”….He indeed had a fever this time, a high fever. His Oxygen level was lower than before and his breathing and heart rate was extremely fast.

What came after was a series of nightmares one after anther. They took blood culture from his tiny hands and feet, nose swap for viruses, Catheter for urinary track infection, Chest X-ray three different times and LP test (spinal tap) to rule out meningitis. They put an iv on his left hand and in the process of next two weeks his right hand and his two feet went through similar fate.

I refused to leave the room for any of the tests. They told me it is difficult for the parents to watch and I stood there, kneeled beside his bed, touching the spot on his forehead that I knew calms him down, whispering to his ears and watched. Better half also did not leave the room but most of the time he had to turn his back and face the wall; he had tears in his eyes and clenching his fists. I on the other hand could not allow myself to cry. I needed for peaceful boss to look in his mommy’s eyes and see the strength and yet million times in the days and nights that followed I wondered “where is my River Piedra so that I sit by it and weep?”

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It turned out that the peaceful boss got the respiratory track viral infection called RSV. He was admitted to the same well known hospital and that alone made better half and everyone else in our circle of friends and family realize what a serious condition we are dealing with, mostly because this hospital admits serious conditions and transfers the rest to other pediatrician wards.

I came to learn that apparently this is the nasty virus that is lingering around since November and caused the major prolonged cold/flu in community since then. The doctors told me that it causes a tough cold in adult, a nasty one in kids with prolonged cough for 2-3 weeks recovery and a deadly one in babies younger than 6 months old….peaceful boss was only 3 weeks old!

They told us that the chances are that we know 3 out of 5 people around us that had this nasty cold in past few months…and we did know. We were part of that statistic ourselves!

But my baby was only 3 weeks old….that was what I was repeating to myself…..

They told me he will get worse before he gets better (that is the course of the virus itself) and every time that a nurse or a doctor walked in our room and told me this, I shook my head and said “Worse than this?” and they looked sympathetic and said “unfortunately yes!”

They put us in the level 2 isolation. There was a procedure of walking in our room involving mask and gown and gloves….they gave me the option of having the mask inside or else, anytime that I walk out I have to have the wired looking mask on my face and mouth. I refused to have the mask inside the room. I needed for my baby to see my face in the middle of all this madness….and the reality was that the room had the washroom and shower so there was absolutely no need for me to leave the room. I was not planning to leave him alone even for one minute. I had the intense fear that if I do not watch him even for one second, he will go away and I will loose him….

So my very long days and nights began. I lost track of what time or date it is and the only connection to outside world was 5-6 times phone calls to little boss. In order to talk to him, I would go toward the window and look at the busy street of down town with my back to peaceful boss and I would talk to little boss, sing for him, laugh with him, make him laugh and listen to him repeating at the end of each phone call “Where are you mommy? Come mommy…I want mommy” and I would try to explain to him about his brother have a boo boo and we will come home soon…..and then hold my tears as I would listen to my little boss’s angelic voice or to my peaceful boss’s broken breath….

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And then it was that dreadful night, less than 48 hours after the ER scene…when better half walked out our room to get some ice for us. I was trying to breath for my son. The doctor looked at me and said “I know you are in medical field so as one professional to the other I have to tell you tonight will be the worst probably….and if we have to put a tube for him to breath, I am not sure what will be his chances of survival”…I did not cry, I did not blink, I just looked at my baby. I gave birth to him only three weeks ago across the same street in another well known hospital. What would I have done differently then if I knew that three weeks from that blissful moment I will hear these words?

I replied “I will hold him. I will not move at all so this way no disturbance for your tubes and oxygen mask, but he will stay in my arms from now on”….I did not ask, I did not ask for permission, I said it in a matter of fact and she agreed with me in a matter of fact…..

That night was the worst night of my life….a worst hell in a middle of hellish days and nights that followed. I was so happy that better half was not in the room when she told me this. I talked about those words with him, only when we came back home…while we were bending over our son’s cradle and watching his peaceful face.
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What followed after was one nightmare after another….I wondered million times that whether I was really awake or I was in the middle of a nightmare…I begged all the Gods in the universe that please wake me up, pleases wake me up…no answer. Indeed that nightmare was the reality of my days and nights.

Little by little he started to breath without oxygen mask. As a result of all the oxygen tubes and the tapes that kept them on its place, his amazing smooth skin developed rash on his cheeks. As a result of Epinephrine and Ventalin masks his face became puffy and his eye lids were swollen and red….and yet none of them matched his weak cry. He was tired. His cry was no longer loud or angry because of all the poking and pain…and that brought the fear of lifetime to my heart. I used to whisper in his ears over and over “I do not allow you to leave me. I need you to fight and hang in there. This will pass my angel”.
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And it did pass. It is now little more than 48 hours that we are home. He is weak and lost a LOT of weight. But he is breathing and drinking….

I on the other hand….well still with every blink of an eye I have the play back of one of the many hellish scenes. Before these two weeks I always thought I had episodes of being in hell in my life. Needless to say that I did not know hell has many many levels and one of the lowest one is the fear of a mother fighting for her child’s life. In one of the last days of our stay in the hospital, the better half tried to make me leave the room I guess for my sanity. So he told me about the toy stores that are in the atrium of the hospital. He was explaining it to me that what a beautiful Shopping mall for the kids and their parents it is….my thought went to little boss and I thought it is better for us to get him something as a gift from his brother since mommy and peaceful boss was away constantly for two weeks. So I left the room for a total of 30 minutes. I think that 30 minutes gave me the lesson of life times. In the atrium they were kids with iv attached to them, lost hair and very weak with bright eyes; cancer patients, transplant paints…and I was thinking why I forgot about the pain of all the mothers? When did I move to la la land?...and then I noticed the face of their parents, being exhausted and yet so passionately looking at their children…and in all their eyes the terror and shock was obvious…and the face of the children believe it or not was happy. Indeed children are resilient.
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We are home but I am still in that room. I wonder when will be the time that every cough or sneeze or loud breathe doesn’t make my heart go faster? I wonder when will I be free from those images or the sound of monitor alarming a low oxygen level, rapid heart rate or irregular breathing? I wonder when will I loose the numb look in my eyes? I wonder when will I smile and fear won’t be part of that smile? I wonder…..

I am scared, I am tired…there is only one tiny line between having someone and loosing them. There is only one second between peace and chaos. There is only one blink of an eye between hope and despair….

I wonder can writing this experience take some of my burdens away? Can I use this post as a therapy?

I think of the lesson in all that maddness....
I wonder what ever the lesson was, did I learn it?
I wonder….

I wonder….