Do you see what I see?

Sooooo, do I have a blog worthy material here? OH YA!!!

You know how people, that English is their second language and just started to learn it, talk?

In my opinion they talk HONEST, especially when they are learning the particular forign language in their mid or late life.

Mostly because they don’t have enough vocabulary to “hide” the truth or put a nice outfit on it….This is why I always enjoy hearing their plain and straight forward talk.

So a very nice sweet lady (who is one of my acquaintances and English is her second language and is learning it in her late 30’s) told me something very “honest” today….

She saw I am going for a haircut – I know it is a record for me to go only after 6 weeks. The reality is that I was a good girl and made the appointment last time…and to be totally honest with you, forgot to cancel or reschedule it:):):) -

Anyway, she, in her totally honest way, told me: “Oh, you should let your hair be long. You are more beautiful long hair. Like those pictures that I saw you with long hair”.

I, being little confused, asked her: “What pictures are you referring to?” and she so innocently said: “ Oh those pictures that you are so thin and beautiful. You are now BIG”…..and then she made referral to few pictures that she saw from my wedding or the time before that…let’s say all 10-15 years ago…

But did you get the punch line – and I really mean it literally “THE PUNCH LINE”?

“BIG”…

I went to a little “OH!!!” and told her “Am I big now?"

And she, getting a little confused, repeating herself so innocently and then says: “Bigger. Oh no you are not fat. You are just not thin like those pictures. You are bigger now. Don’t worry.”

So…dare I write more?

Well, one of my closest friends got an earful about the conversation and God bless her heart, in an attempt to rectify the situation, she told me: “What do you expect? It is all your fault of course. You always wear all these “shloppy” clothes [is that even a word?]. They are all so loose. You never go for something tight. You have such a beautiful waist line…but NOOOO never show it. Of course no one sees your figure”….

I know what she says is true. That is my taste...or my fault (whatever you like to call it!). Once in a while, under the influence of my gorgeous Yummy Mommy friend, I go through a mini short lived revolution and wear fit clothes that show my curves, but that lasts…well not so long!

I decided to go to my very best and closest friend, which will be my better half. Knowing so well that he will be in a conflict of interest situation – being the husband and all he can not do the highest crime and tell the wife: OH ya honey, you are fat! – But at the same time I knew he is extremely honest person.

So he, upon hearing the comments word for word, told me: “No you are not BIG or fat or whatever.” Still I could not settle the case...

I looked at the mirror (Not wise, I know!)….I could not see myself BIG really…I cannot say I am fat…but then I glanced at those traitor pictures….well I did look beautiful in all of them. What do you expect? I think everyone is gorgeous on their wedding days and well any 20 years old girl is just stunning…that is the age factor…period!

Then I looked at my hubby and his pictures on our wedding day and the pictures from the very first night that we met…the time line is almost the same, 10-14 years ago…Well I have to admit: he is “Bigger”…

I told him about it and aksed him what is his thoughts and he with a confused look replied: “ I think I put on some weight compare to the first time we saw each other but is it really that much compare to the wedding?”...YAAAAA buddy….it is!!!!!!!!!

Just there and then I lost the argument against myself…

You see of course my body was different 10-15 years ago. Forget about the pregnancy and all…Forget about the fact that in last few weeks I am unbelievably exhausted and my skin reflects it the worst…forget about the fact that in last 2 weeks alone I look really “shitty”( I think I touched that base in another post)…still the age alone does it all.

I can never ever have that slim, gorgeous body, the same way that I can not have that radiant skin or those lively curly hair. That is the reality….no wonder everyone is running after the fountain of youth!

But for all this time – and even still now- how come I can not see myself “BIG” or “BIGGER”?

I mean do you see what I see?
Are we looking at the same object?

I still wear the same size pants as my pre-pregnancy…so does that mean I was even BIG then?

I guess I am back to my very favorite topic….Perception, Percoeption, Perception….There is no way out of it. We look and perceive a delusional world…really!!!

I am even tempted to scream sometimes and ask out loud: “Hello, does anyone live out there?”….

Well my delusional world, my illusionary image, whatever you want to call it, just broke today….

I am a woman in my mid 30’s and did age... and apparently got “bigger”…whatever that means...

I better not tempt to look for all the lines on my face…one shock per day is enough!