Doubts, second guessing, intuition and more...

She is a dear friend, not so close to me but never the less “dear”. She is also expecting, one month ahead of me. This will be her third child, the first two being boys. When she heard my news, she was genuinely excited: “Now we share something that makes us even closer and closer than before”.

A month ago, she called me and with the first “Hello” I knew something hit her hard. My heart sank in. The thoughts always go to the worst scenario when you are talking to pregnant women in distress.

S: I just came out of my ultrasound.
Me: Everything is good and fine, Ya?!
S: OH yes, the baby is healthy... It’s a boy….
Me: OH MY GOD that is SOOOO exciting. You found out the gender.
S: Yap, It’s a boy! I will have three boys, no girls…I need you to help me to get over my shock. It must not be good for the baby…We wanted a girl this time…I really really wanted a girl!
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ME: “S” called me today. They are having a boy.
My better half: WOW that is amazing. What an energetic household that will make.
ME: Silence
HIM: BTW I think they wanted a girl.
ME: How did you know?
HIM: Blink, Blink
ME: I have a confession to make…Blink, Blink
HIM: I feel like a priest or something:):)
ME: I never thought of it until today…I think I will be a better mother to boys….
HIM: How do you know that? You never had a daughter!

ME: Logically that is a correct argument. But women “feel” these things….and let’s face it I never was a girly girl, even as a child. I was never into dolls and tea parties. People goo goo and ga ga over the outfits for girls and I look at it and think it is good for a doll but not for practicality of daily life…my daughter will be very disappointed with my not so feminine side! I am really afraid I will disappoint my daughter....

HIM: I forgot the famous women’s “feelings”…and while you are at it, let’s not forget “pink” is your least favorite color hahhaha

ME: I am serious. I feel our baby is a boy and I think I also WANT THE BABY to be a boy, don’t you think the two brothers with close age will be good for each other? You can argue that I really don't know that, being the only child and all...

Although “They” say “Girl will stay and boy will leave”. For my selfish side, daughter is better in the long run I guess….still I think I will be better suited as the mother of boys….Maybe at this stage of my life I still did not learn to be a mother to a girl, maybe it changes in couple of years…I don’t know!

HIM: OH sweetie, I think no matter a boy or a girl, they will leave us. Only you and I stay for each other….
ME: Blink, Blink

HIM: Well the good thing is that we want children / babies, not gender, who cares it is a boy or a girl:):):)…Keep in mind “they” also say: “Mama’s boy and Daddy’s girl”…so in that way boys will be closer to you….

ME: Deep down I agree, WHO CARES IT IS A BOY OR GIRL. If I could, I would have had a dozen of children, half boys and half girls…But still I have a feeling, an intuition. Until today’s phone call I did not think of it one way or the other…now I can not shake it off!
I think I can teach my boys to be kind men, the type that “feel” and “talk about their feelings” and don’t hesitate to show their emotions because they are “A MAN”, the type that respect, cherish and honor women. I think that is one task that mothers can help their boys the most with….

HIM: In that department, I totally agree with you. You will be amazing for this task. And as for the talking and sharing the emotions, look at the little boss, he carries a conversation with you longer than I do…:):):)
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“They” do say: “Mamma’s boy and Daddy’s girl”.

I had / have more similarities with my father, similarities in hobbies, interests and above all in our personalities…We shared our books, love for history, philosophy, horses, skiing, never ending debates and so much more…everyone think I am a mirror image of him in personality. We share an especial bond even in my never ending discussions with him!

But deep in my heart and soul, I am and always was a “Mamma’s girl”. Our personalities are not the same - maybe except the anxious gene and the planning ahead….and yet I feel the most security in her presence, the most comfort and peace. I share the most hidden corner of my being with her. She never talks and I always like to have a discussion about issues. She never expresses her love and I love to show how much I love…. and still with the exception of my better half, I was and am “myself” the most with my mother.

From the outside everyone assume that I am daddy’s girl but to us and to the people closest to us the umbilical cord between my mom and I never stopped working….
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In the car, on the way there I tell my better half (trying my best convincing tone): “Let’s not find out what is the gender. You know they can not guarantee that they are correct and there are examples of them making a mistake in announcing the gender with the ultra sound”.

My better half can not control his laughter. “You can not even wait to open your gift for more than 10 seconds. Every time I have to go to million and one strategies to hide a gift for you and you make the house upside down to hunt it. I make a deal with you, if YOU choose to not find out, I am OK with waiting…but I make a bet, you CAN NOT do that”….he laughs all the way there…
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The technician finishes with all the technical stuff and goes out to bring him in and “Let the fun begin”. I sit up and bend to see the monitor. “OH he knows me so well…I can not control myself!”…

The screen is divided into the last 4 pictures. One shows the four chambers of the baby’s heart - priceless…the other is a little tiny hand on the face with the thumb in the mouth, I could recognize the nostrils and the lips - I have tears at this point....the third is the spine and the fourth….OH MY GOD, I know the gender!

The door opens. My better half and the technician walk in…he bursts into laughter, I look like a child with her hands in the cookie jar. “YOU COULD NOT WAIT, COULD YOU?!”….“Hey, I know what is the gender, It’s a ….”.

The Technician protests: “I did not tell you yet. How would you know?”…My better half: “Well the thing is that she is familiar with the ultrasound pictures”. She interrupts: “But let me give the tour myself…, “this is…this is ….look at…and this is….let’s move around…now here….and do you want to know the gender?”

My better half challenges me with his look. I reply: “OH YA, we do want your professional opinion on the subject”.

“Well you were correct. This “not so little thing” in there can only exist in BOYS. You are having a boy”.

My better half and I cheered… that kind of laughter that comes with tears... Excited, cheerful, no words to explain it…

“God willing I will be mother of two boys for now”…and as for the future and later on…it is in divine’s hand!