"IT" says good bye....

I look at my little 2 years - old baby boy and whisper to myself in wonder: “So this is when all begins! This is when it “sinks in” one way or another….this is when human being starts to realize that all good things come to an end, that what they are enjoying so much unavoidably comes to an end”.

Little boss is struggling with this “reality”...whether it is his beloved bath time that comes to an end or the Thomas the train show says goodbye or when the play time is enough and we have to go for a nap….He protests so hard. He can not understand why Thomas has to suddenly go or why mommy is telling him that “it is time to come out of the bath”….

For me it is a mesmerizing subject. Maybe because all my life I dread with passion, approaching “the end”…In all honesty I rarely enjoy the moments fully and completely, mostly because I KNOW it will end and that sadness, that deep feeling of loss, prevents me from enjoying the blissful moments. I think I have only 10-12 specific blissful moments in my life that I did not think of the next moment when all comes to an end. So looking at my beloved little boss, I am truly amazed by how quickly it all begins.

My better half and I mostly approach the subject by repeating to him that it will come again, he will have another bath, another Thomas’s show, Thomas needs to go and rest now, “Zoboomafoo” is going to eat his food, Bob the builder will build another project very soon, he can play after the nap…while all the time in my heart I feel this is really not a good way to approach this whole ordeal. So couple of days ago, while he and I were going through one of these episodes, I decided not to give him the illusion that “it will come back”. Because in all “reality”, “IT” the way that “IT” was, will never again come back. So I just held him tightly and decided to talk my points in his language as good as it gets – a little chit chat between mommy and son, something that we are already very used to it.

I told him: “Honey, I know how you must feel. Not feels good”.
Little boss suddenly became calm: “No good momma…I want that bath please!”.
Me: “But bath time finished. The end… You know: Bath time says good bye, “Tabooya” (His made up word for finish)”.
Little boss – in my total astonishment became Silence and then looked at me…: “Tabooya, goodbye….”
Me (putting my foot even deeper in my mouth!): “Tabooya, good bye….every thing says goodbye. Sometimes they will come back later and say hello again. But then they say Tabooya again”

(In my very stupid adult way I prepared myself for the big question of “WHY?” and instead my little boss in his absolute wisdom that only comes from the purity of his age asked me…)
Little boss: “Where go? Goodbye and where go?”
Me: hmmmm….Silence…
(And thinking: I heard about all the questions that will come and we the almighty parents don’t know the answers but I did not know it will be this soon!)

Me: “Well my love, I never thought of it this way. I don’t know”
Little boss: “Call it come mamma…“Bath” where are you? I am here.”
Me: “That will sometimes work but “bath time” will not come back right now. It needs some time”.

And this was when he decided that enough is enough and if “this bath time” is not coming back as soon as he wants, he will not wait anymore and he can go to his next project….such a healthy attitude really. Why should we wait for something that is not coming when we want them to come back!!!!???

I went through all the rituals that night. I sang and read and kissed and hugged endlessly and eventually put him in bed and walked out of his room….I went and sat somewhere in silence and in the dark. The whole ordeal touched so many things some where in my psyche….I travelled in time…to a crispy beautiful afternoon in June years ago…

Destination: A local ice cream café in the fairy city of Prague!
This particular ice cream café is a very small and clean place. One of those place that tourists are not aware of it. You can see local there as their usual customers. It is in “Staré Město” (Old Town) not far from St. Vitus Cathedral….in this little place I had one of my best ice creams.

I can truly say the only other ice cream that its taste stayed with me until now, is from a little Café in my beloved Italy and in the city of Balsamic vinegar; Modena. Some where hidden in Centro storico, there is this little warm place with the aroma of caffè espresso. No matter what season it is, you walk in and you feel the warmth of Italy – even if it is mid December or January. The owner, Luigi, gives you one of those famous Italian smiles and shouts “Ciao Bella!” and you feel you are indeed a “Bella” walking in this store. He tries very hard to make sure you are having his famous Cioccolato or at least Straccicatella Gelato and swears for you that his Tiramisù flavor is even better than the one in Treviso or Siena itself (the two cities with the claims that Tiramisù were their creation! What can I say, Italians really take their food seriously)… In all honesty there is something more than a Gelato or Tartufo in that small place. The whole experience makes it memorable, like anything else in Italy - not Tourist Italy but Italian Italy. By now I concluded that there is something in the soil, water and language of Italy that makes one believes whole heartedly in “La dolce Vita”. But writing about my beloved Italy can be the subject of another post all together….


Back to Prague….
In that particular afternoon, in the company of few of my loved ones, I had a truly “memorable” ice cream. Whoever knows me, knows that I am not an ice cream person – or sweet person for that matter. So when I almost licked my bowel of ice cream my better half smiled and said you really liked this one ha?…and I replied: I can not believe it is finished so quickly. He said: why don’t you order another one? Well, I was truly full….I sat there, looked at the old town with its fairy landscape and the life that was going on in the street and in the air…while I could hear the voices of the happy conversation of my company in the background. It was a combination of peaceful and exciting moment. One of those rare moments in time that you have the two extremes side by side and actually enjoying the contrast. I looked at the table and noticed everyone is done with their portions and the conversation was already about the plan for that night and let’s get ready to go….Suddenly I felt such a deep sadness in my bones. I could not believe my perfect moment was over. Why did it have to be so short? The rest of that day, that sadness stayed with me….In my mind, I wanted the taste of that ice cream again….

Few days after that, in another beautiful afternoon, I made sure the planning go somehow that we all go back there for another ice cream. We walked in and out of total coincident even sat on the same spot. Every one ordered ice creams and I was the only one that ordered the same flavor – did not want to spoil my moment by any surprise!

We had our ice cream, chat, laughed and looked around but in my disbelief, as delicious as the ice cream was, it was not as good as the first time…..

That day I went for a stroll on the Charles Bridge. I stood in the middle of the historic sight and leaned against the wall and looked at the Vltava River for a long time. I was watching the flow of the water and thinking about the memory of my ice cream.

No matter how many times you repeat an experience, it always is a new event. It does not matter how many times you push the rewind bottom and listen to your favorite music, it is not the same as the first time you heard it, as the first time it took your breath away.

There are times that you might even feel better, more blissful and happier when you are listening to that music for the 100 times. But is it really the music that you are hearing for the 100 times? It never is….it was not “the ice cream”, it was that moment, that spot in the universe and time where so many perfect roads came together and created the perfect experience….

“IT” will never come back my son. Another “IT” will come, sometimes even better and more joyful than the first “IT”…but that “IT” says good bye and goes and echoes in the memory of the universe where everything lives over and over and over again for the very first time!