Complete me...

As usual, right after my better half came home from work, I ran out of the house to take care of some tasks that I had to accomplish without a “toddler’s tornado"…

By mistake instead of turning on my CD / iPod, I turned on the radio…there was a music on with lyrics about loneliness, desperately searching for love and with hope to be completed one day….changed the channel, there was another music with a melancholic melody and lyric of being dumped after he mistakenly believed that he indeed found his other half and his soul mate…changed the channel and this time in my mind I made a bet: “there will be another desperate soul in search of a soul mate to complete her”...Ladies and Gentleman we had a winner!

My mind started wondering around. I am not sure was it the effect of that powerful moon or just the lyrics….I went down my memory lane…painful, happy…all mine…

Years ago thanks to Joseph Campbell, I fell in love with mythology and symbolism and like any other love of my life, I dived into it with whole body and soul…I started to study it very deeply and methodologically. The journey took me (and is still taking me) through anthropology, astrology (both western and eastern), mysticism and ultimately alchemy (...the journey is still going on in those roads slowly but steadily)…all of them acted like an “Emerald Tablet” and forced me to transmute and gain a new awareness about myself…Part of that awareness was understanding how superficial and in fact selfish my understanding of love was / is….

Well I came to understand that there is no such thing as “another” person or a soul mate completing us…I think the whole idea is the illusion of “Hollywood” – let’s not forget the “Ahhh moment” of “Jerry Maguire”: “You complete me!”…..

Or possibly the whole ordeal is a desperate attempt of our psyche and a survival mechanism to numb the deep painful longing of our soul…

Even if one be lucky enough to find the “perfect” match (whatever that’s suppose to mean), still the need to become complete one day, will be there…

As long as I remember I searched for “THE” soul that complete me…that was my “Holy Grail”…And like “Galahad” or any other mythological hero in search of the grail; I knew that I must prove myself worthy before being able to unite with that soul….

Well I was in my very early 20’s when I met the person that became my best friend, my sole trusted companion in life, who later became my beloved husband…

I did find that “perfect” match, I refer to him in this blog as my better half and indeed he is my “better” half…

Our encounter for the first time was nothing short of pure synchronicity. When later on we went through all the events that came together in order for our path to join for that moment in time, we both were amazed in all the powers that were working somewhere behind the scene. Like any other couples we went through growing pain and still once in a while we go through them – after all life is not standing still and nor do we, we are changing and growing and pain and bliss are both part of that…and through all the ups and downs I believe he was and is my “perfect” match…

In my very superficial definition of love, for such a long time, I thought we are going to “complete” one another…well years passed, he brought so many other dimensions to my life, he took my soul to the most magical and supportive trips of lifetime and above all he made me laugh…he is possibly the only person in my life that can make me laugh whether I am very mad or very sad or both at the same time….and still I had the longing in my soul…I did not know why I do not feel complete?

How come I had the “love of my life” and I was still feeling the abyss of loneliness every time that I was diving deeply into my soul….

Oh that deep loneliness that was there since I could remember it…well what can I say? “Loneliness” was one of the demons of my life. I think I battled with it since I was in the womb of my mother and for sure it is one of my earliest memories in life...

We all have our own demons. Their names and shapes and subjects are different…and more important than that how we deal or not deal with them, will affect the course of our lives…

I came to believe that this particular “need” of my soul will be there until the end of time and nothing can be done about it.

Until few years ago when after a good painful period of my life, I came to a turning point and an epiphany…part of that epiphany was a deep change in my perception of life…and of course a change in my perception of love….

I came to realize that expecting to be completed by someone else is indeed a very selfish act…In my belief it is the ultimate dependency and like any other dependency ultimately it can cause so much pain and regret…

A love is suppose to free us, it is defined as the force that should make us brake all the boundaries…and yet we, with our actions, enforce boundary on it the moment that we “expect” something in return from the other party…and wow the highest expectation of all is the “need” to be completed by someone else...what a heavy responsibility that must be on the other person’s shoulder….

I came to understand that no one can fulfill that task for us…we need to become completed all on our own. The road to that destination is unique for each and every one of us. It is indeed a work in progress and sometimes the pain and discomfort of it makes us want to run to the other direction and give up the whole ordeal all together….

It is difficult, painful and maybe it takes all our lives to accomplish half the task…But does any one out there have a better idea? I mean why else do you think we are “living” at this moment of time on this particular universe that we call “home”….

Swiftly I turned into our driveway….turned off the engine and sat there in silence. My hand went toward the radio and turned it on again…it was the angelic voice of Enya, singing a song that I know by heart – ironic that with these verses I will end my trip down my memory lane:

“Forever searching; never right, I am lost
in oceans of night. Forever
hoping I can find memories.
those memories I left behind.

Even though I leave will I go on believing
that this time is real - am I lost in this feeling?
like a child passing through, never knowing the reason.
I am home - I know the way.
I am home - feeling oh, so far away.”