Let me out…I don’t want to play the game anymore!

Do you think it is anything out there more difficult than relationships? I mean no matter what type of a relationship it is, whether it is between two lovers, parents and child, siblings, friends, colleagues, neighbors or two strangers in the bus…what ever the rule of the game is, it comes down to being a game….

I mean more intense the relationship is, more emotionally you are invested in it, more energetically you will be consume by it. Each participant in the relationship have his/ her own set of rules for the game (and the politic of the games sometimes brings the desire in me to just CUT…a sharp, clean cut of the knife and NEVER look back)…

Each player in the relationship has his / her own set of backgrounds, emotional baggage, memories, hurts, wounds, and perception of the world around him / her…OH PERCEPTION!

Couple of you, commented few times that I love the concept of “perception”. I really do. The more I live, the more I realize that ALL is perception.

This weekend, thanks to a series of hurtful personal events, the intensity of my daily routine went few hundred Richter higher than usual (and physically it was really not good for me but what can one do other than go through them)…. and like any good chemical reaction, when that kind of energy being released it can generate a “snap”…for me, the snap was more inward…as that is more my style. I dived into myself, went “to my cave to lick my wounds” as one of my very good friends will say…or I went for a time out to “feel”, “dwell”, “analyze” and “contemplate” as my better half will say!

Well if we allow the shock and hurt (and all range of emotions in between) to pass – then we might let ourselves dig deeper into the meaning behind all the “stories” and “games”….or at least in a healthier situations, one will do that eventually.

For me, when a day, a week, a year or sometimes a life time passes, and the hurts fade away (and as I said some of the wounds bleed for a life time so no chance to deal with it this time around…bummer!)…then what always mesmerizes me is how there are recurring scenarios in ones life that triggers such familiar and strong emotional responses.

Really in a bigger scheme of one’s life, it is like scenes after scenes are being played by different actors but the story line is exactly the same.

In reality, the situations that the most feel like a thorn in your side are those that pose the greatest potential growth in your life. But most of the time, the hurt is too much, the cut is too deep and the shock of the event is too intense that the recovery time takes a long time, even a life time…and of course in the mean time, life continues, and another scene sooner or later comes along with the exact story line only different players.

Of course let’s not forget, the more one is “attached”, the tougher it is to disconnect and “just observe”….

Harmony is the key word that everyone hopes for in any relationship…and yet look around you!

How many times per day you see a non harmonious relationship? No matter how deep or superficial that relationship is...granted, the less attached you are to the participant of the game, the easier it is for you to walk away…and relatively much less deep the cuts are at those times….

But then there are those individuals in our lives that are as vital to us as our lungs or our hearts…attachments are being formed so early in life that the concept of walking away is not even comes in the dictionary of those relationships. The cut comes so much deeper in those scenarios. I have a good number of bleeding wounds in different part of my soul, thanks to those beloveds of my life….and yet without them, life as I know it will cease to exist.

Is it possible that expectation plays a role in inflicting those wounds? I believe so.

I mean we expect a certain emotions and actions from our lover, our parents, our children, our best friends…and what happens most of the times is that those expectation is so unreal…they are based on our own perception of life, based on our “games”…they are so far from how the personality and the character of those people are…it has absolutely nothing to do with the other party in these dances.

How many of us “accept” unconditionally? And love is nothing but unconditional acceptance…so how many of us love UNCONDITIONALLY?

I am contemplating this concept in last few days. I came to a very very sad discovery. I don’t think anyone – or anyone that I know- accept unconditionally…me included. The degree of acceptance is more or less in people, some more accept with less condition, but the key word is that “less” condition….sometimes that “less” is really “less” and those are the times that we are truly lucky…but with NO condition…well I am searching the world now with a flashlight in my hand…

I was looking at my son when I realized this very very sad truth in my life. Right there and then in my heart, I promised him that I try my best to love and accept him UNCODNITIONALLY. I shivered…because to reach to that degree of evolution, one is almost back to Garden of Eden!!!
But I promised I “try” and that is the best I can do.


P.S.: Have you watched “Love Story”? I always weep so hard when it comes to this sentence:
“Love means never having to say you're sorry.”…
How do YOU perceive it? I mean it can mean different things to different people. Do you perceive it as:
“You love each other so much so there is no need to apologize here. Becuases you know the other person didn't mean to!!!”
or does it mean
“if you love me, why did you hurt me?”….
WHY DID YOU HURT ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!