“There is a war going on out there….

….and no one ever told me about it!”

That is what I told my friend when we were walking toward the car - I said the sentence with certain degree of surprise and amusement. I think she was more amused by my cluelessness.

Well the story begins when I found myself in a three - ring circus.

I was accompanying my friend to a causal, friendly (!!!) gathering between numbers of mothers that want to become “good friends” but in more accurate terms they are just acquaintances.

It was my very first attendance to such a “fun get together”(!!!), considering that my nature is not built in a way to find friend “this way”….truly no judgment or questioning for the people that can do this road. In all honesty there are times that I thought my life would have been easier if I was swimming with the other members of any “school of fish”.

When I had the little boss, a few good hearted moms suggested to me to join these “club” like gatherings that all the new moms are there and “the babies can be together” and mothers can be so at ease by sharing their stories and all….

My first response was that “but the babies are not going to be together…mostly they sleep or suck the breasts or bottles and even later on they will only parallel play until around 18-24 months”….and their response was that “but you need an adult company otherwise you will go crazy!”….

I really did not need one. To the surprise of the people that really don’t know me, I am really good and in my element when I am JUST with my baby (doing his type of activities that changes with his age). My adult company usually arrives around 6 pm in the shape of the better half or once in a while it will be my close good couple of friends for 2-4 hours.

I am a solitary person; I told you so, didn’t I?!

Anyway, against my better judgment I accompanied my friend….mostly because my dear friend did not want to attend this first “mom’s night out” alone (between semi strangers I may add!) – She nagged for weeks that I am much better in small talks and everyone naturally talk and tell their stories to me… and I can go with her and be a buffer zone for her…-

Well I went….I became surprised and even amused…but deep down I ended up being utterly disappointed and sad by our gender….

In the middle of all those chit chatting and birth stories and goo goo and ga ga…suddenly my radars gave me some alarming alerts. Like a good German Sheppard my ears moved!!!!

The heated “topic” which more and more sounded like an argument, was between two teams: Working moms vs. stay at home moms (Mothers that were studying were in the first category)….

And for the life of me, I DID NOT know that apparently this “war” was going on for a long while.

The issue was more about the subjects such as which one is better or more precisely which one is more admirable and which group has it tougher and works harder….and therefore is a better woman and a better mother.

Well, as usual, I decided to only listen. That is a homeopath hat which very naturally fits my head. If one does that type of listening – the type that is just takes the role of observation- an enormous amount of information about the personalities can be gathered.

Very soon, I just noticed how much this situation is important to each mother in the group. I mean they talk about it with such an investment of energy and emotion…I could see some degree of guilt, lack of self confidence and not being sure of their decisions were playing a role in this “boxing match”…

Oh guilt the good companion of women and let’s not forget the constantly questioning our decisions, that good old friend of mothers….

While my position was enormously amusing and comfortable, it did not last long. Two of the mothers, knew me in my profession due to few people that were / are my patients. So out of no where I realized the eyes are on me and I am being asked “and what do you think?”…the person that asked this question did not waste any time to “recruit” me in her group: “working mom”. She continued with the same breathe “well you are a working mom. I know how busy your practice is. You must agree with us”.

My friend chuckled. I exchanged a familiar look with her…the look that says “Well I guess I am diving in”….

I looked at the other group, the stay at home mothers. They were looking at me with some degree of hostility. Truly that is what I felt…and interestingly there was no need for that.

“In all honesty considering that I cut my hours of practice a lot and practice only in the weekend, I don’t think I fit your category well enough. After all during the week I am a full time stay at home mom (silence for few seconds)...and I am LOVING IT”!

Well I think that last sentence was a punch…not that I intended…well I am not sure whether I intended or not!

Suddenly everyone was talking at the same time. Among those sentences I could hear “no, still you are a working mom”, “you know you can bring a stay in Nanny and go back to work full time”, “I know a very good person that can take care of your child”….and so on.

So I had to just make sure my voice became loud enough when I talked again: “but you missed my point, I love it. I even consider totally putting my practice on hold for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I have a job that I love, but still I CHOOSE to be a stay at home mom. Not because my job was not successful, not because I did not like it or forced to give it up. I think if a woman has a blessing of making a choice then she can make a choice based on what she likes and suites her life….and believe it or not for this stage of my child’s life I like to be a stay at home mom and be with him. That is me. Not that I say everyone should be this way or not….”

Well apparently that last sentence was not forceful enough. The working mom felt attacked. This is when one of them said something that unfortunately brought me out of my “observation” position….I became engaged. Up to that point I was just there…observing….right at that moment I became “invested”…this is how easy it is to suddenly become part of a war!

One of the working moms stated that in order for a woman to bring up a “complete” child and make him or her better member of society, she has to work and “actively” be part of that society. Otherwise the woman does not have ANYTHING to contribute to the “education” and “mental and emotional intelligence” of the child. The child of working mother will always have a more mental and emotional stability….because he or she will have exposure to others and not be “pampered by mother all the time”……

Oh how that touched a sore point in my heart…..

The reality is that I have absolutely no doubt about the decision that I made, I am very secure in what I chose in my life as a mother.

While other mothers became offended as a mother and some of them became extremely emotional, that woman’s statement did not touch me as a mother but surprisingly it touched me as a child!

I had to collect myself…because what she said brought up a life time of memory, loneliness and pain.

Suddenly I found myself talking and this time very emotionally invested: “Did your mother worked when you were growing up?”

She responded that no but her mother always wanted to work and always complained that why her father was oppose to it, that she made sure all her daughters love working because that was HER dream and it became their dreams….and then she turned to me and asked: “WHY?”….

“Well, I am the child of a mother that worked full time. She had a very high prestige and extremely high demanding job. She loved it and never thought anything other than being a working mom. So as a result I am the child of a mother that worked full time and even more than full time. I can testify that there was absolutely no emotional stability for me as a child. I was always more mature than my age, I had to learn to be independent much sooner than my pierce, I had to watch my mother go through all the routine of household while she was so tired that she could not talk a single word… and I felt so sad for her that I had to make sure to not add anything to her chores…all of these while I was a toddler, a child and a teenager. My mother made sure that I was educated and trained in many different subjects of science, literature, arts and sports; but the reason behind her decision had nothing to do with being a working mom…mostly it had to do with her very perfectionist personality….”

Well the rest of that night was a history…at the end no one really came to understand anything about other person’s point of view. So sad…so sad….

I think majority of the women do not have the blessing to choose. Our ultra work oriented societies (especially the western, first world countries) demand working woman go back to work and sometimes the maternity leave is not even for one full year.

The job provides not only the second income but in some countries it brings the much needed health insurance for the family. Some women are single mothers and have to work to put the food on the table….so all these aside, a small percentage of the women have the choice: to go back to work or to stay at home.

Don’t get me wrong, a second income ALWAYS makes the life easier. No “if” or “but” about it.

So the choice comes when they can “afford” to survive and live with one income – not as easy as with two incomes but still can survive.

Right at that moment, the woman has to admit to herself that whatever choice she makes is based on her personality and preference….which was made by her childhood, her upbringing, her understanding of what kind of person she is and how she needs and wants to be in life, her feeling and perception toward motherhood, her parenting style, her relationship with her partner and so on….

Did my working mom have an influence on my choice in life? It had an influence consciously and subconsciously. I had no doubt about it. But so did so many other factors, including the awareness that I gained about myself as a woman and what I need and want in life, the type of parenthood that I aim to reach, as well as my relationship with my partner and some other aspects….

In my opinion, none of these elements has anything to do with other members of the motherhood society. Why do we need to attack other people’s choice in order to make ourselves more at ease with our choice? I always wonder that!

Let’s face it, motherhood is NOT a job, a mother is never off the clock. Whether a woman decides to stay at home or go back to work, each one will have 24 hours demanding duties, both have responsibilities that the other does not know anything about it.

None of them has a privilege over the other, non of them is a better or worse mom…they are just women, trying desperately to live their lives, the lives that contains the choices that they made, the choices that the society forced them to make and the choices that their gene and up bringing engraved in their psyche….

Oh life would have been much easier if the daughters of Eve would have been more compassionate to one another!