I had a haircut yesterday…FINALLY!
The haircut is exactly my usual hairdo…but I think after the “bushes” that was growing on top of my skull, everyone that saw me today, thought I have a “new” hairdo…
I received a good number of compliments and couple of them were from my friends that see me regularly!!!
They looked at me with “wow!” and “hey you cut your hair short”…which I answered: “OH! I finally trimmed it. But it is the usual length after all my haircuts”….and they said: “Really!! Isn’t your hair normally longer?”…and at this point I gave up the debate.
Because the irony is that from one perspective they are correct….cnsidering that it took such a long time for me to find a time, schedule and actually keep the schedule for the haircut…
So while in my mind as well as every time that I looked at the mirror, the usual length of my hair “was” and “is” shorter, in reality and in the eyes of others, it “was” and “is” longer…after all who am I kidding, the duration that it was longer was much more!!!
Isn’t that funny? Our perception of the world I mean…
I am always mesmerized by the concept of the perception especially every time after I have consultations with all the members of a family in one day. It happens that they all talk about one single event and when I listen I can swear that it is many different events.
Because each one has totally different perception of that event….Sometimes I even find myself in the middle of the sentence asking them: “are you sure all of you were at the same place, at the same time?”
And then it is the perception that we have of ourselves and the perception of others from us….
Let me use the same haircut story…
I have a curly hair and my son also has curly hair just like me - although in my opinion his curls are much more beautiful than mine but it is obvious where did he get this gene, considering that my husband and his family have straight hair-
He had the haircut last weekend with the same hairdresser. After his haircut (which was a major tantrum story!) he looked so handsome, more mature looking and truly beautiful…granted that it was only haricut and no blow dry and obviously no “product” (Thank GOD!)
After my haircut and blow dry, I looked in the mirror and saw who I always see after an hour in a hair salon…
Well I looked like a poodle, a very well trimmed one though….
When I voice that to my hairdresser (he is my hairdresser for 8 years so he knows my perception very well!) or my husband or any of my friends, they are shocked. They think I am really crazy….
I very well might be; no argument there. But after the blow dry and the rest of the hoopla, my perception in that mirror is still a very well trimmed poodle…
This is why every time after a hair salon visit, as soon as I come home, I wash my hair and make it my “ordinary” curly hair….my husband can never understand why I do it. Because in his perception “it looked SO beautiful”….
As you can see, we can “hear” each others’ perception, but we can NEVER “feel” each others’ perception….
So the big question is: while we can not “feel” each others’ perception, do you think we can “understand” each others’ perception…and to take it one step forward: Can we understand each other at all?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
My shocking discovery
It is 5:00 in the morning. I can not say I did sleep at all last night and in about an hour from now, I have to "wake up" and start my daily activity. So while all night I tossed and turned in my bed and thought about what was bothering me, I finally realized I am writing in my blog all along….so why try another hour of the torture of tossing and turning?!
Something happened yesterday that inflicted an enormous emotional pain to my heart. Well I can not say the subject happened yesterday as more accurate term is that the last drop fell down in the bucket that was getting filled in past month, or past few months or maybe all my life…who really knows about the accurate measurement of time for creation of a sour spot in the soul?! Who really cares?!
The bottom line is that something happened that made the whole issue unbearable enough for me to go to my “black and blue” cycle…. And as always, out of that pain another one was born... a shocking discovery….like so many other times the focus shifted totally after that...it shifted to this new pain and discovery…
I think this is actually an attempt of the heart: to shift the focus to another pain in order to survive, to a pain that is maybe more bearable…after all we all need to survive….
So dear blog, I found myself talking to you all night long about this discovery…and here it is…
The original pain came yesterday and I longed so much to pick up the phone and talk to someone...somebody that I feel close enough to not feel judged, embarrassed, being jinxed by (and this last one is the newest discovery in my convoluted repertoire of personality!!!!) or any other negative feeling....someone that I can trust and do not think all the time that one day she will use all "this" - whatever this may be- against me....someone that I can be free enough to not censor myself for any reason what so ever...
Alas....I do not have that person in my life. The discovery was this reality...that despite my delusional belief that I have at least 2-3 very close friends, when push comes to shove I do not have ANY friends…when it is the judgment day like yesterday, I do not feel comfortable enough or safe enough to pick up the phone and cry on any of those shoulders without any hesitation….That discovery was beyond shocking….
I cried on my husband shoulders. I know I have to be thankful enormously for the blessing of having a husband that I can talk to…and belive me, I am thankful beyond belief.
What I am talking here is not any attempt to undermine that blessing. But the reality is that my husband is a man and like any other man there is a genetic lack in emotional talk even though he would be categorized as an emotional man.
He is a very good listener, he listens and then nods and then tries to hug or kiss or crease but all the time there is that confusion look in his eyes that says: “I am here out of my league, what am I suppose to say? I hope she does not ask me to say anything because I am not sure what word should I use?”
I can always see this inability of using words to talk about emotional issues just there in the back of his eyes. In best of times I joke about it and we laugh together at the defective Y chromosome…in the worst of times, I see that…logically I know it is not his fault but there is NOTHING logical about the pain that I have so why should I be consoled by logic?...I end up being more alone, sad or angry or all of the above…and he ends up more fearful of what should be the proper response to the pain that I have and he does not really understand and can not trace its origin back to anything…
It is interesting but truly that is man’s defective nature…I am starting to believe it is the case for all of them and that makes me sad because I so much wish for my son to be able to listen like a woman…and that means to listen with heart and response with heart through words….maybe that is only a wishful thinking after all…
My father can not understand the logic behind the need of a talk about an emotional wound…he will patiently and kindly listens to you and all the “facts” and then brushes the subject to the side with an attempt of changing the subject all together…and if you be a stubborn daughter like me and bring the subject back again, he will tell you that there is no point in poking a wound and talking about it over and over...and this way the wound will not heal…and one should leave it to be and why “regurgitate a subject of pain over and over”….so with a father in one extreme of logic and the husband at the other extreme of emotions FOR MEN, I came to the conclusion that to have someone to listen and console me during any emotional pain I needs a woman….
My mother can listen but after all she is a mother. She does what a mother does the best, she rushes in the scene with her heart wide open and tries to take the pain away…totally and completely. Tries to not even leave a trace behind…and in an attempt to do that she will belittle the emotional pain that exist…I used to be so angry by this action and take it so personal. But then I became a mother and truly felt and understood why she does what she does. Today I love her for that ten million times more…
A mother needs so much to make sure that her baby is pain free, body and soul. In order to breath, we need that to be true -- even if we know from our own experience in life, that the concept of pain free does not exist….but for us to survive we NEED to see the apple of our eyes be happy and free of any pain, especially free from the wounds of the heart and soul….So what my mother does, while comes from the purest source of love and emotions, does not console me in the desperate times of need...a need for someone to listen and talk to me…
So I need, I want, I long for a woman, a girlfriend, some one that I feel totally and absolutely free with to be able to open up my heart and not feel embarrassed, judged, or as I said above be jinxed later (don’t ask how I came to this latest discovery of my wired feeling!!!)…or not be afraid of any consequence of my decision to talk....
Someone that does not analyze my pain with tough logic....someone that I know will keep the talk just to herself and not even repeat that to her own ears...someone that I can talk to and just KNOW she will listen with her heart and respond just the right response….a response that does not belittle the pain, does not ignore the pain, does not refuse its existence but sheds a light and a comfort on the issue that caused the pain….someone that will talk to me about the pain until the dawn of eternity - if I need to...and does not think that we talked enough or there is no need to talk more about this pain or why are we repeating it over and over (because sometimes what one needs is to just repeat the same subject hundred times, thousand times, only to throw the bitter poison of the hurt out of the heart….)
In my adult life I started wishing for a sister. In my imagination, a sister would have filled that role for me, that a sister would have listened and consoled and would have been there no matter what…that I could tell a sister anything and everything….I think this delusional idea comes from the fact that I do not have a sister (or a brother for that matter)…
I say delusional because when I look around no one - and I really mean NO ONE THAT I KNOW - has this type of closeness with her sister. My mother which by default is the example that I looked at while I was growing up, claims that she is at least very close to one of her sisters… and I emphasize on the word, “claims”. Because the reality is that when push comes to shove, being an ultra reserved personality – just like me or maybe little less than me!- she does not confide her pain even to that sister….she has her reasons of course. They might be from the range of "why bother her" and "why put her in pain" to the range of "this is private"...
I think - or I like to think- that she came to that point of comfort more or less with me…it happened as I matured and became a woman. I am not sure how deep she will share her pain but I still think I, as her daughter, took that role in some degree…and I am so happy and honored that she gave me that role in any degree…but what am I going to do if I never have a daughter? or what am I going to do if I will only have one child and he will be like the rest of the men?
What if that is it for me…loneliness beyond belief?
Couple of my friends claim they found the above described person in me. I am not sure they did, I really don't think so. But I am happy they feel they did. I am really not sure such a person does exist, but never the less I am longing for her.
I am shocked that I do not feel any degree of comfort in that level to pick up the phone and talk to somebody….That is truly and utterly a pain…a shocking discovery that cuts like a knife to the core of my bones….
Well what else can I say? It is 6 am now and my life calls for me...becuase whether I like it or not, whether I have energy for it or not, whether I have heart for it or not, the show MUST go on!
Something happened yesterday that inflicted an enormous emotional pain to my heart. Well I can not say the subject happened yesterday as more accurate term is that the last drop fell down in the bucket that was getting filled in past month, or past few months or maybe all my life…who really knows about the accurate measurement of time for creation of a sour spot in the soul?! Who really cares?!
The bottom line is that something happened that made the whole issue unbearable enough for me to go to my “black and blue” cycle…. And as always, out of that pain another one was born... a shocking discovery….like so many other times the focus shifted totally after that...it shifted to this new pain and discovery…
I think this is actually an attempt of the heart: to shift the focus to another pain in order to survive, to a pain that is maybe more bearable…after all we all need to survive….
So dear blog, I found myself talking to you all night long about this discovery…and here it is…
The original pain came yesterday and I longed so much to pick up the phone and talk to someone...somebody that I feel close enough to not feel judged, embarrassed, being jinxed by (and this last one is the newest discovery in my convoluted repertoire of personality!!!!) or any other negative feeling....someone that I can trust and do not think all the time that one day she will use all "this" - whatever this may be- against me....someone that I can be free enough to not censor myself for any reason what so ever...
Alas....I do not have that person in my life. The discovery was this reality...that despite my delusional belief that I have at least 2-3 very close friends, when push comes to shove I do not have ANY friends…when it is the judgment day like yesterday, I do not feel comfortable enough or safe enough to pick up the phone and cry on any of those shoulders without any hesitation….That discovery was beyond shocking….
I cried on my husband shoulders. I know I have to be thankful enormously for the blessing of having a husband that I can talk to…and belive me, I am thankful beyond belief.
What I am talking here is not any attempt to undermine that blessing. But the reality is that my husband is a man and like any other man there is a genetic lack in emotional talk even though he would be categorized as an emotional man.
He is a very good listener, he listens and then nods and then tries to hug or kiss or crease but all the time there is that confusion look in his eyes that says: “I am here out of my league, what am I suppose to say? I hope she does not ask me to say anything because I am not sure what word should I use?”
I can always see this inability of using words to talk about emotional issues just there in the back of his eyes. In best of times I joke about it and we laugh together at the defective Y chromosome…in the worst of times, I see that…logically I know it is not his fault but there is NOTHING logical about the pain that I have so why should I be consoled by logic?...I end up being more alone, sad or angry or all of the above…and he ends up more fearful of what should be the proper response to the pain that I have and he does not really understand and can not trace its origin back to anything…
It is interesting but truly that is man’s defective nature…I am starting to believe it is the case for all of them and that makes me sad because I so much wish for my son to be able to listen like a woman…and that means to listen with heart and response with heart through words….maybe that is only a wishful thinking after all…
My father can not understand the logic behind the need of a talk about an emotional wound…he will patiently and kindly listens to you and all the “facts” and then brushes the subject to the side with an attempt of changing the subject all together…and if you be a stubborn daughter like me and bring the subject back again, he will tell you that there is no point in poking a wound and talking about it over and over...and this way the wound will not heal…and one should leave it to be and why “regurgitate a subject of pain over and over”….so with a father in one extreme of logic and the husband at the other extreme of emotions FOR MEN, I came to the conclusion that to have someone to listen and console me during any emotional pain I needs a woman….
My mother can listen but after all she is a mother. She does what a mother does the best, she rushes in the scene with her heart wide open and tries to take the pain away…totally and completely. Tries to not even leave a trace behind…and in an attempt to do that she will belittle the emotional pain that exist…I used to be so angry by this action and take it so personal. But then I became a mother and truly felt and understood why she does what she does. Today I love her for that ten million times more…
A mother needs so much to make sure that her baby is pain free, body and soul. In order to breath, we need that to be true -- even if we know from our own experience in life, that the concept of pain free does not exist….but for us to survive we NEED to see the apple of our eyes be happy and free of any pain, especially free from the wounds of the heart and soul….So what my mother does, while comes from the purest source of love and emotions, does not console me in the desperate times of need...a need for someone to listen and talk to me…
So I need, I want, I long for a woman, a girlfriend, some one that I feel totally and absolutely free with to be able to open up my heart and not feel embarrassed, judged, or as I said above be jinxed later (don’t ask how I came to this latest discovery of my wired feeling!!!)…or not be afraid of any consequence of my decision to talk....
Someone that does not analyze my pain with tough logic....someone that I know will keep the talk just to herself and not even repeat that to her own ears...someone that I can talk to and just KNOW she will listen with her heart and respond just the right response….a response that does not belittle the pain, does not ignore the pain, does not refuse its existence but sheds a light and a comfort on the issue that caused the pain….someone that will talk to me about the pain until the dawn of eternity - if I need to...and does not think that we talked enough or there is no need to talk more about this pain or why are we repeating it over and over (because sometimes what one needs is to just repeat the same subject hundred times, thousand times, only to throw the bitter poison of the hurt out of the heart….)
In my adult life I started wishing for a sister. In my imagination, a sister would have filled that role for me, that a sister would have listened and consoled and would have been there no matter what…that I could tell a sister anything and everything….I think this delusional idea comes from the fact that I do not have a sister (or a brother for that matter)…
I say delusional because when I look around no one - and I really mean NO ONE THAT I KNOW - has this type of closeness with her sister. My mother which by default is the example that I looked at while I was growing up, claims that she is at least very close to one of her sisters… and I emphasize on the word, “claims”. Because the reality is that when push comes to shove, being an ultra reserved personality – just like me or maybe little less than me!- she does not confide her pain even to that sister….she has her reasons of course. They might be from the range of "why bother her" and "why put her in pain" to the range of "this is private"...
I think - or I like to think- that she came to that point of comfort more or less with me…it happened as I matured and became a woman. I am not sure how deep she will share her pain but I still think I, as her daughter, took that role in some degree…and I am so happy and honored that she gave me that role in any degree…but what am I going to do if I never have a daughter? or what am I going to do if I will only have one child and he will be like the rest of the men?
What if that is it for me…loneliness beyond belief?
Couple of my friends claim they found the above described person in me. I am not sure they did, I really don't think so. But I am happy they feel they did. I am really not sure such a person does exist, but never the less I am longing for her.
I am shocked that I do not feel any degree of comfort in that level to pick up the phone and talk to somebody….That is truly and utterly a pain…a shocking discovery that cuts like a knife to the core of my bones….
Well what else can I say? It is 6 am now and my life calls for me...becuase whether I like it or not, whether I have energy for it or not, whether I have heart for it or not, the show MUST go on!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Hello Mr. Boss...
OK! It is official…the bug is in the house…
While my little boy still has a running hose coming down his little nose, my husband started his journey in the land of “having cold” two days ago and now battling with cough (and let me tell you that he is one of the WORST type of people with getting cold, I mean he will go DOWN)…
So poor sleep deprived mamma (that has to take care of two boys!) started to have extreme fatigue and muscle aches with a lingering sore throat…I already gave an ultimatum to this bug that I neither have time nor the energy to get into any short or long term relationship with him / her!
So I am pushing sore throat back and trying to imagine that all the muscle aches and fatigue is because of my normal condition of being sleep deprived…..
But come to think of it, if my husband wishes, he can take sick day from his work (never mind that for a workaholic person like him this will be unheard off!!!)…
HELLO! May I remind the universe that I am NOT workaholic?
I rather like to be categorized in a lazy group if that means I can get some time off…I don’t mind take few sick days!!
But can someone kindly tell me where can I put the application for my request of “time off”, let’s say for 2 hours?!
Although my boss, Mr. Toddler, is not that keen these days in allowing mamma to even go to the washroom for very much needed bladder work!
It is very obvious now that the bug had one major affect on him: he wants mamma 24 hours in his visual field!!!!!
Well I guess that sick day application has to be put back to the pile of unopened letters that are accumulating on my desk!
Back to work…obviously I had enough blog brake!
While my little boy still has a running hose coming down his little nose, my husband started his journey in the land of “having cold” two days ago and now battling with cough (and let me tell you that he is one of the WORST type of people with getting cold, I mean he will go DOWN)…
So poor sleep deprived mamma (that has to take care of two boys!) started to have extreme fatigue and muscle aches with a lingering sore throat…I already gave an ultimatum to this bug that I neither have time nor the energy to get into any short or long term relationship with him / her!
So I am pushing sore throat back and trying to imagine that all the muscle aches and fatigue is because of my normal condition of being sleep deprived…..
But come to think of it, if my husband wishes, he can take sick day from his work (never mind that for a workaholic person like him this will be unheard off!!!)…
HELLO! May I remind the universe that I am NOT workaholic?
I rather like to be categorized in a lazy group if that means I can get some time off…I don’t mind take few sick days!!
But can someone kindly tell me where can I put the application for my request of “time off”, let’s say for 2 hours?!
Although my boss, Mr. Toddler, is not that keen these days in allowing mamma to even go to the washroom for very much needed bladder work!
It is very obvious now that the bug had one major affect on him: he wants mamma 24 hours in his visual field!!!!!
Well I guess that sick day application has to be put back to the pile of unopened letters that are accumulating on my desk!
Back to work…obviously I had enough blog brake!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thankful for the ordinary moments of life…
Have you ever felt that what we really do in life is to distinguish between the real from imagined?
I lead a small life, very valuable and extremely meaningful, but small. Today while I was going through same old routine of my day, I thought of the time that I planned my life very carefully to be anything but daily routine and “ordinary”. I wanted it to be a grand adventure, to go around the world week after week, to not be anywhere more than a month…to be someone very special, someone very well known in the field that I'll choose....
Looking back now, I have to say I am so thankful for the life that I have. Somewhere down the road I realized the value and depth of the routine of a daily life. I think I changed my plan gradually not because I was not brave enough for some kind of an adventurous life (although I know so well that I am NOT a brave kind of a gal!)
The reality is that “real” life happens when we are trying so hard to plan “the imaginary" life….what ends up to be is that we miss the “real” life and cry over the “imaginary” one.... and then before we know it we are on the final moment, regretting that why we did not live…DAUGH!
The reality for me is that I had the blessing of learning a very valuable lesson: that there is a value and deep meaning in a daily routine of life….that there is a happiness in the moments that we have whether they are same as the day before or different. But that happiness can come to us if and only if we want to accept it…
I came to appreciate what we commonly call “ordinary life”…there is such a beauty and grandness in the ordinary moments of life…I came to realize there is nothing “ordinary” about an “ordinary” life….
When I think about the fact that how close I came to miss all of this, I get shiver down my back…I believe I made my “ordinary life” an “extra ordinary” FOR ME and THAT is all that matters…
Today I have the unbelievable pleasure of being no one “special”, to be a common person, leading a common life…Except in one aspect: I love with all my heart and soul and I help someone becomes whoever he is going to turn out to be….if this will be the only adventure in this life time for me, then I thank divine with all my heart and soul because that is more than enough for sure….God knows it is enough lesson hidden there worth more than one life time!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Happy Earth Day!
Well, I can not say – with clear conscious- that I am a “nature” person. I mean, the closest that I can get to a camping area will be if and only if there is a “Marriott” near by….I know it sounds terrible! But come on, give me some points for my brutal honesty here... it is really not in my “nature”…Not that I don’t wish it would have been different.
But I somehow managed to be in touch with one aspect of nature in my daily life… and that is really MY "nature", full of tug of wars - as my dad would comment precisely):)
I live in a suburb of a major metropolitan city. From my house to down town is little bit more than an hour if you drive in HWY’s and if there is no traffic….two big “IF”….
The neighborhood is surrounded by horse ranches and I think that was what sold the area to me (being a big fan of horses). I mean there are acres and acres of ranches just for horses – belong to a very well known family.
The ranches are sometimes separated by fields and sometimes just separated by authentic looking fences…I remember when we moved here there were acres of corn fields around….It was really magnificent…
As much as I can, I do not choose to drive in HWY. I don’t like the sensation of driving in a HWY. It gives me anxiety and it makes me feel I am really living in a jungle and it is the law of “who eats who” and “who will survive”….
Most of the time I can drive different roots other than HWY and frankly speaking all the alternative roots are much more beautiful to drive through, in all four seasons. There are fields of greens, horse ranches, a little lake….all on my way to my clinic only if I wake up earlier and get out of the house earlier (my clinic is only half an hour away from where I live)…I think it is worth it.
Today I thought about all of this…
Mostly because in last year or so, good number of those corn fields are sold to a development companies and are being made to different subdivisions…row after row of match boxes…houses so close to each other that you can open the window and put your head in the other’s bedroom and say “How you doin there?!” (Joey in “Friends”)
The other day I was driving around the neighborhood and showing the horses to my son. He was really excited because now he can see them not in the snow but in their green fields, having their “lunch” and “playing” with each other….and “look, look, that one is running and laughing” and then he makes the sound of the horse….
Watching him being so excited by seeing horses, every time that we pass through the area just beside our house, made me think of “being more friendly with nature”…I mean I admit, it will take a major genetic engineering on mamma’s part but then again that is a small price to pay for watching him be amazed by the Big Mamma Nature!
The whole experience also made me sad, knowing that piece by piece the beautiful golden fields are being replaced by match boxes…the little houses that are really ugly…and still those little ugly houses will become so beautiful to the people that live in them happily…a paradox really, just like anything else in life…
We will still have our horses around, mostly because the privet owner is a wealthy family in love with horses….
Happy Earth Day to the big Mamma Earth…May I enjoy your natural side more and more!
Monday, April 21, 2008
little blocked nose...
Last night, close to midnight - as I was preparing myself to go to bed - all hell broke loose….what’s new really?!
Through the baby monitor I heard a sound that was not suppose to be there. My alert look and jumpy body made my husband smile. He thought our little one is snoring…I knew it is not as “funny” as that.
As I was rushing to the room, my expert ear told me that he is not breathing fast enough for a fever but heavy enough for some serious nose obstruction….
Well sad to say the diagnosis was correct - I mean half sad and half relieved. I entered the room, hold my breath and dove in…the forehead had normal temperature- NO fever. I allowed myself to breath again.
Contrary to the population's perception fever is one of the best friends to the defense mechanism and suppression of it is not a help in order to fight whatever is going on in the body!
As a homeopath I know it very well, as a mother I dread its presence very much.
As a homeopath I look for a fever especially lower than 39C as a sign of active immune system, as a mother I am scared of any degree of fever like a plague!
He did not have a fever. But the nose was totally blocked and runny at the same time…I knew major coryza is on its way. Understandably he had difficulty breathing and that made him very restless in sleep. I picked him up and while he had his eyes half open / half close, I tired to whisper to his ears that mamma will clean your nose now, OK?
He was a champ. He allowed us to pour the saline spray and then clean his little nose with nasal aspirator…then I gave him some water and rocked him to sleep….
Needless to say my very well organized plan for the night, which was a good night sleep after a very busy and full day, was gone with the wind.
I migrated to his bedroom floor to save myself from frequent trips between ours and his bedroom.
The whole procedure was repeated 5-6 times during the night – and in between he was just plain restless in his sleep. Sometimes I had to use Q-tip to clean the little nose. He was really good and helpful about it. He is used to using Saline spray to clean his nose, since he was one month old. So that is a familiar friend. But no matter what is familiar and what is not, when one is going through an illness, everything is more bothering….as the evidence of this, since this morning he is refusing any attempt for anyone to get close to that runny nose….
So he woke up early in the morning. Yes the good old fever was there…moderate but still fever. I became an expert in the measuring the fever with kiss method…a light kiss on the forehead and I am very close to actual degree…As I checked his temperature with my motherly device as well as a thermometer, I had the panic of a mother upon arrival of THE fever….Now he had a full blown runny nose….and the rest is just what comes after….
He can not be satisfied with anything, he knows mamma is listening to his every breath and is milking the situation so well.
He makes miserable cries if he does not get what he wants when he wants it….and so cleverly tries to do whatever is normally a big NO / NO…he does not want to have a nap and his eyes are falling asleep…he does not want to eat "that" but wants something else., NO! CHANGED MY MIDN, NOT "THIS" EITHER!
How cleaver are these little ones?…already know so well how to take advantage of the situation…WOW!!
And I…well I am tired and need to just take a breath and some how numb my rushing mind….I think I am using this blog for this purpose!
My mind rushes through all that I know as a health care professional and comes up with nothing….I think of all the things that I know - and I wish I did not know, that how a simple cold can turn to something else....My heart beats fast, my solar plexus is heavy with anxiety and I am just trying to keep it all together…OH, ignorance is such a bliss...No wonder that the first thing they teach you in any medical school is that you can not be the physician / homeopath for your loved ones….
I mean I know it is a plain cold…but GOD he is just miserable and that is so painful to watch….
How come as a homeopath I treat many little kids with different ailments with so much calmness and gentle mind but as a mom I am a mess?
No need to answer that….Logically I know the reason, but there is nothing logical about “LIFE”….
Through the baby monitor I heard a sound that was not suppose to be there. My alert look and jumpy body made my husband smile. He thought our little one is snoring…I knew it is not as “funny” as that.
As I was rushing to the room, my expert ear told me that he is not breathing fast enough for a fever but heavy enough for some serious nose obstruction….
Well sad to say the diagnosis was correct - I mean half sad and half relieved. I entered the room, hold my breath and dove in…the forehead had normal temperature- NO fever. I allowed myself to breath again.
Contrary to the population's perception fever is one of the best friends to the defense mechanism and suppression of it is not a help in order to fight whatever is going on in the body!
As a homeopath I know it very well, as a mother I dread its presence very much.
As a homeopath I look for a fever especially lower than 39C as a sign of active immune system, as a mother I am scared of any degree of fever like a plague!
He did not have a fever. But the nose was totally blocked and runny at the same time…I knew major coryza is on its way. Understandably he had difficulty breathing and that made him very restless in sleep. I picked him up and while he had his eyes half open / half close, I tired to whisper to his ears that mamma will clean your nose now, OK?
He was a champ. He allowed us to pour the saline spray and then clean his little nose with nasal aspirator…then I gave him some water and rocked him to sleep….
Needless to say my very well organized plan for the night, which was a good night sleep after a very busy and full day, was gone with the wind.
I migrated to his bedroom floor to save myself from frequent trips between ours and his bedroom.
The whole procedure was repeated 5-6 times during the night – and in between he was just plain restless in his sleep. Sometimes I had to use Q-tip to clean the little nose. He was really good and helpful about it. He is used to using Saline spray to clean his nose, since he was one month old. So that is a familiar friend. But no matter what is familiar and what is not, when one is going through an illness, everything is more bothering….as the evidence of this, since this morning he is refusing any attempt for anyone to get close to that runny nose….
So he woke up early in the morning. Yes the good old fever was there…moderate but still fever. I became an expert in the measuring the fever with kiss method…a light kiss on the forehead and I am very close to actual degree…As I checked his temperature with my motherly device as well as a thermometer, I had the panic of a mother upon arrival of THE fever….Now he had a full blown runny nose….and the rest is just what comes after….
He can not be satisfied with anything, he knows mamma is listening to his every breath and is milking the situation so well.
He makes miserable cries if he does not get what he wants when he wants it….and so cleverly tries to do whatever is normally a big NO / NO…he does not want to have a nap and his eyes are falling asleep…he does not want to eat "that" but wants something else., NO! CHANGED MY MIDN, NOT "THIS" EITHER!
How cleaver are these little ones?…already know so well how to take advantage of the situation…WOW!!
And I…well I am tired and need to just take a breath and some how numb my rushing mind….I think I am using this blog for this purpose!
My mind rushes through all that I know as a health care professional and comes up with nothing….I think of all the things that I know - and I wish I did not know, that how a simple cold can turn to something else....My heart beats fast, my solar plexus is heavy with anxiety and I am just trying to keep it all together…OH, ignorance is such a bliss...No wonder that the first thing they teach you in any medical school is that you can not be the physician / homeopath for your loved ones….
I mean I know it is a plain cold…but GOD he is just miserable and that is so painful to watch….
How come as a homeopath I treat many little kids with different ailments with so much calmness and gentle mind but as a mom I am a mess?
No need to answer that….Logically I know the reason, but there is nothing logical about “LIFE”….
Saturday, April 19, 2008
The mother of a toddler
These days being the mother of a toddler is equivalent of having a lesson in comprehension, composure and just total and complete self control.
I can pretty much rest assure that at any time and place, in a blink of an eye, the situation can be turned into a three-ringed circus.
The problem is that I can never predict when these moments will arrive and that unpredictability is a disaster for my personality…in most of the situations, for me not even be able to vaguely prepare myself for a move from my opponent is truly unbearable.
But believe it or not, I am learning to adapt….After all it is the Darwin's law and I DO NEED to survive here!
The reality is that we can always trace “the doom and gloom” back to ourselves- one way or another:
We kept him out too late, it passed his nap time, didn’t feed him on time, didn’t understand his words and therefore responded to a different thing (after all the poor mom and dad do not have a “Rosetta stone” for toddler talk and at the same time his repertoire of words growing by the hour), didn’t entertain him enough and forgot his very short patience range …. and my very own personal favorite: we got into his “personal space” – especially without his permission (which of course needs to be taken in advance)…
I am not joking about this last one.
Years ago in preparation for a lecture that I was suppose to give, I read about this whole toddler’s personal space hoopla somewhere – especially while they will go through “terrible two” (don’t let the name fool you, it can start any time after 12 months!)
I confess this shamefully: At the time I just rolled my eyes and moved to the next chapter. Now I know how delusional I was…IT DOES EXIST!
Apparently a healthy toddler develops the sense for his personal space sometime after his first year, something that believe it or not all of us have. The difference is that we, the adults, learned somewhere down the road that we HAVE to adapt, bend, forget, disrespect and let others disrespect our personal space.
While toddlers of course, DO NOT tolerate ANY disrespect to their very own personal space.
So this can range from the time that mamma has to change his diaper, or if the doctor examines him without any pep talk or warm up, or if the dad wants to trim his nails without any “let’s do this together” talk, or if the poor hairdresser wants to give him his haircut!
The problem arises when you actually try to be aware of this concept and do the pep talk and the whole nine yard of taking the “permission”….and then your little toddler looks at you with an iron will and just tells you plainly “NO”!
You have to hear that “NO” to know what I mean. It is forceful, it is hopeless…..and then you are back to square one yet again…
In case you forgot, the power of logic does not work here. So what comes up is either some kind of a trick or bribery –
which in my case it is totally useless as my little one is truly stubborn and very focused when he sets his mind on something that is his “will” (and believe it or not he showed us this side of his personality from the VERY FIRST NIGHT outside of my uterus)-
or the other option is that you will end up holding your breath and jump in the pool of scream… and the rest you can imagine….
No matter how many times you just whisper in his ears that “it will pass quickly”, “we are almost done my dear!”, “I know it must not seem fair to you” or “you will understand and agree with us one day”, “I feel your pain, this just has to be done my dear!” or even “I am sorry for your discomfort, sorry Mamma”…still the scream is loud and the cry is tearing your heart...tears come down, face gets red, the breaths become shallow and rapid…
Meltdowns are inevitable. I used to feel so much embarrassment. I don’t feel embarrassed anymore but I still feel a total failure as a mother when I have to deal with tantrums in public…those piercing looks from strangers, the ones that clearly have no idea what is the life of a mother with a toddler….or even those sympathetic look of the people that means “been there, done that” or “thank God I don’t have to go through that one again”…all of it is unbearable for me. I feel as if I missed reading a big chapter in Toddler’s handbook and it shows what a clueless mom I am.
Once a patient of mine told me that she reached to a point that feels carrying a screaming toddler through the maze of a Wallmart in search of an exist is strangely liberating. I truly wish for that liberation sensation for myself!
But I can see that in the last 6 months after his first birthday, I moved so much ahead in dealing with these unpredictable situations. I am much calmer and at ease, both inside and out (to the surprise of myself and the others), I am more in charge and above all at least I look as if I know the end will be soon (even if I am not really sure when will the end be!)….I “look” the part to the perfection!
I also learned that one can handle everything with some degree of grace, even if one can't solve the problem right away… believe me it is quite an empowering lesson to learn.
One thing is for sure, when all goes well at the end, a parent is part detective, part linguistic, more respectful human being and a big part superhero!
I can pretty much rest assure that at any time and place, in a blink of an eye, the situation can be turned into a three-ringed circus.
The problem is that I can never predict when these moments will arrive and that unpredictability is a disaster for my personality…in most of the situations, for me not even be able to vaguely prepare myself for a move from my opponent is truly unbearable.
But believe it or not, I am learning to adapt….After all it is the Darwin's law and I DO NEED to survive here!
The reality is that we can always trace “the doom and gloom” back to ourselves- one way or another:
We kept him out too late, it passed his nap time, didn’t feed him on time, didn’t understand his words and therefore responded to a different thing (after all the poor mom and dad do not have a “Rosetta stone” for toddler talk and at the same time his repertoire of words growing by the hour), didn’t entertain him enough and forgot his very short patience range …. and my very own personal favorite: we got into his “personal space” – especially without his permission (which of course needs to be taken in advance)…
I am not joking about this last one.
Years ago in preparation for a lecture that I was suppose to give, I read about this whole toddler’s personal space hoopla somewhere – especially while they will go through “terrible two” (don’t let the name fool you, it can start any time after 12 months!)
I confess this shamefully: At the time I just rolled my eyes and moved to the next chapter. Now I know how delusional I was…IT DOES EXIST!
Apparently a healthy toddler develops the sense for his personal space sometime after his first year, something that believe it or not all of us have. The difference is that we, the adults, learned somewhere down the road that we HAVE to adapt, bend, forget, disrespect and let others disrespect our personal space.
While toddlers of course, DO NOT tolerate ANY disrespect to their very own personal space.
So this can range from the time that mamma has to change his diaper, or if the doctor examines him without any pep talk or warm up, or if the dad wants to trim his nails without any “let’s do this together” talk, or if the poor hairdresser wants to give him his haircut!
The problem arises when you actually try to be aware of this concept and do the pep talk and the whole nine yard of taking the “permission”….and then your little toddler looks at you with an iron will and just tells you plainly “NO”!
You have to hear that “NO” to know what I mean. It is forceful, it is hopeless…..and then you are back to square one yet again…
In case you forgot, the power of logic does not work here. So what comes up is either some kind of a trick or bribery –
which in my case it is totally useless as my little one is truly stubborn and very focused when he sets his mind on something that is his “will” (and believe it or not he showed us this side of his personality from the VERY FIRST NIGHT outside of my uterus)-
or the other option is that you will end up holding your breath and jump in the pool of scream… and the rest you can imagine….
No matter how many times you just whisper in his ears that “it will pass quickly”, “we are almost done my dear!”, “I know it must not seem fair to you” or “you will understand and agree with us one day”, “I feel your pain, this just has to be done my dear!” or even “I am sorry for your discomfort, sorry Mamma”…still the scream is loud and the cry is tearing your heart...tears come down, face gets red, the breaths become shallow and rapid…
Meltdowns are inevitable. I used to feel so much embarrassment. I don’t feel embarrassed anymore but I still feel a total failure as a mother when I have to deal with tantrums in public…those piercing looks from strangers, the ones that clearly have no idea what is the life of a mother with a toddler….or even those sympathetic look of the people that means “been there, done that” or “thank God I don’t have to go through that one again”…all of it is unbearable for me. I feel as if I missed reading a big chapter in Toddler’s handbook and it shows what a clueless mom I am.
Once a patient of mine told me that she reached to a point that feels carrying a screaming toddler through the maze of a Wallmart in search of an exist is strangely liberating. I truly wish for that liberation sensation for myself!
But I can see that in the last 6 months after his first birthday, I moved so much ahead in dealing with these unpredictable situations. I am much calmer and at ease, both inside and out (to the surprise of myself and the others), I am more in charge and above all at least I look as if I know the end will be soon (even if I am not really sure when will the end be!)….I “look” the part to the perfection!
I also learned that one can handle everything with some degree of grace, even if one can't solve the problem right away… believe me it is quite an empowering lesson to learn.
One thing is for sure, when all goes well at the end, a parent is part detective, part linguistic, more respectful human being and a big part superhero!
Friday, April 18, 2008
What day is it today?
I woke up today with my son’s voice calling my name to pay attention to all the members of his vocabulary repertoire!
I looked at the clock and thought: “He woke up earlier than he should and that means the rest of the morning will be a tough one starting from 10:30 am….he will be tired and whinny….will not be satisfied with anything and poor thing even he won’t know what he wants”.
Still I was in a very foggy daze.
Lately my sleep pattern is worse than before and the responsibility…well the responsibility is on the bad dreams. I have all the crazy, scary, running away to no where land, having the worst argument of your life with your loved ones with no end, witness terrible horror- kind of dreams. No idea why…I mean the reason must be very well hidden deep in my psyche and I do not have any time or energy for going down that rabbit hole.
So I wake up many many times during the night and eventually in one of the times that my son calls to have water or just to see me and then go to sleep…I go to his room and end up falling asleep on his floor. Some how sleeping closer to him while I had such a terrible dream, feels more reassuring... You see how the role is reversed already.
Obviously the result of the night sleep is a failure because I wake up with a body more tired and a mind more numb than the pervious night….
So back to the story... the little nightingale's voice sang to his mamma that was sleeping in a fetal position on his bedroom floor. He wanted to play our usual word game…this is this and that is that and the rest of the hoopla with voice up and down…
I stood up, engaged in the game while in my mind I was in a dream of some sort. So In that dream phase I started the daily routine….and then I passed our bedroom window and saw the garbage and recycle bins (all the colors of blue, green and the rest) in a row in front of the neighbor’s house…"Oh my God, Tomorrow must be some sort of a holiday that we are unaware of and this is why today is the pick up day", I thought to myself….
I ran to the bathroom and called for my husband that was under the shower and was getting one step closer to go to his work land...I, in an excitement, telling him that it must be a mistake and I haven’t prepared every things and did not do my end yet… is tomorrow a holiday? – You see the job description is that I gather things and put them behind the door and he will carry them outside - …
My hubby looking at me with a stunning face from behind the shower curtain: “what do you mean? I am not following you”…and I reply in my hyperventilating / excited voice: “Well Friday must be some kind of a holiday that we don’t know about. Because everyone prepared their garbage today”….
He now replies in his wise, know it all voice: “Well since today IS the Friday, I think everyone did a good job!”…And now it is my term to have a shocking voice: “TODAY IS FRIDAY….WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT IS THURSDAY?”
I was really serious. I thought- all through the week I have to add- that I am living the previous day. My poor body had a bad reaction to this unexpected discovery. There was this heaviness in the arms and legs, major numbness in my solar plexus and start of a nagging headache…and all these sensations got worse by time...
Because let’s face it with all this “time” business that we, the almighty human being invented, we entered ourselves in some kind of a rat race…and what happens when a sleep deprived being like me, get it all wrong?
I did everything this week with one day delay. Thank God I did not have a major appointment.
During the day – which as I predicted correctly, became one of the chaotic days for this week- I, in the back of my mind somewhere, was thinking about why did I made such a mistake?
As I told you in another entry, “time” and I have an ambivalent relationship and I really have to dedicate one entry totally to it. But even I do not get a day wrong and continue to do so for the entire week.
In some kind of a psycho analyze thing, was I trying to avoid the prospect of my very busy weekend?
Most of the weekends I am extremely busy especially that I see patients in my clinic during the weekends and that adds to the whole routine of life…and since those are the only time I see patients since I became a mother, I have even more than usual busy clinic days when I do book patients.
Or was I simply trying to hold on to the minutes and hours and do not allow them to pass quickly?
You see the other option is that I am loosing my mind…which in my professional mother, wife, daughter, homeopath and woman opinion that sounds closer to the reality!
I looked at the clock and thought: “He woke up earlier than he should and that means the rest of the morning will be a tough one starting from 10:30 am….he will be tired and whinny….will not be satisfied with anything and poor thing even he won’t know what he wants”.
Still I was in a very foggy daze.
Lately my sleep pattern is worse than before and the responsibility…well the responsibility is on the bad dreams. I have all the crazy, scary, running away to no where land, having the worst argument of your life with your loved ones with no end, witness terrible horror- kind of dreams. No idea why…I mean the reason must be very well hidden deep in my psyche and I do not have any time or energy for going down that rabbit hole.
So I wake up many many times during the night and eventually in one of the times that my son calls to have water or just to see me and then go to sleep…I go to his room and end up falling asleep on his floor. Some how sleeping closer to him while I had such a terrible dream, feels more reassuring... You see how the role is reversed already.
Obviously the result of the night sleep is a failure because I wake up with a body more tired and a mind more numb than the pervious night….
So back to the story... the little nightingale's voice sang to his mamma that was sleeping in a fetal position on his bedroom floor. He wanted to play our usual word game…this is this and that is that and the rest of the hoopla with voice up and down…
I stood up, engaged in the game while in my mind I was in a dream of some sort. So In that dream phase I started the daily routine….and then I passed our bedroom window and saw the garbage and recycle bins (all the colors of blue, green and the rest) in a row in front of the neighbor’s house…"Oh my God, Tomorrow must be some sort of a holiday that we are unaware of and this is why today is the pick up day", I thought to myself….
I ran to the bathroom and called for my husband that was under the shower and was getting one step closer to go to his work land...I, in an excitement, telling him that it must be a mistake and I haven’t prepared every things and did not do my end yet… is tomorrow a holiday? – You see the job description is that I gather things and put them behind the door and he will carry them outside - …
My hubby looking at me with a stunning face from behind the shower curtain: “what do you mean? I am not following you”…and I reply in my hyperventilating / excited voice: “Well Friday must be some kind of a holiday that we don’t know about. Because everyone prepared their garbage today”….
He now replies in his wise, know it all voice: “Well since today IS the Friday, I think everyone did a good job!”…And now it is my term to have a shocking voice: “TODAY IS FRIDAY….WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT IS THURSDAY?”
I was really serious. I thought- all through the week I have to add- that I am living the previous day. My poor body had a bad reaction to this unexpected discovery. There was this heaviness in the arms and legs, major numbness in my solar plexus and start of a nagging headache…and all these sensations got worse by time...
Because let’s face it with all this “time” business that we, the almighty human being invented, we entered ourselves in some kind of a rat race…and what happens when a sleep deprived being like me, get it all wrong?
I did everything this week with one day delay. Thank God I did not have a major appointment.
During the day – which as I predicted correctly, became one of the chaotic days for this week- I, in the back of my mind somewhere, was thinking about why did I made such a mistake?
As I told you in another entry, “time” and I have an ambivalent relationship and I really have to dedicate one entry totally to it. But even I do not get a day wrong and continue to do so for the entire week.
In some kind of a psycho analyze thing, was I trying to avoid the prospect of my very busy weekend?
Most of the weekends I am extremely busy especially that I see patients in my clinic during the weekends and that adds to the whole routine of life…and since those are the only time I see patients since I became a mother, I have even more than usual busy clinic days when I do book patients.
Or was I simply trying to hold on to the minutes and hours and do not allow them to pass quickly?
You see the other option is that I am loosing my mind…which in my professional mother, wife, daughter, homeopath and woman opinion that sounds closer to the reality!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I saw my reflection in the window…
Yesterday I had one hour that I could run out alone and do some shopping therapy. I admit I ended up only being in children clothing stores…but still it was a therapy!!
If you are a woman and really honest with yourself, you will admit that it is THE BEST type of therapy…yes you will feel a pain when the credit card’s invoice knocks your door later, or maybe you are the guilt feeling type – like me- and feel the pain past midnight….but at least you had your absolute therapy during the bliss of shopping.
I don’t have my regular visits to this therapist since I am a mother and especially since I am a mother of a toddler. Let’s face it, shopping with a toddler is the equivalent of taking a giant elephant to a china store….after such a trip I will for sure need a real therapy!
So me, the mother, blissfully ran out the door the moment that him, the father, walked in from work…I was happy to see my two men getting ready to go for a stroll around the neighborhood in what was a grate weather…I drove and got to the mall (still blissful) and parked the car and toddled toward the door....when I saw someone’s reflection in the glass door...OH IT WAS ME!
For the love of God, What the heck was I wearing?
Don’t worry it was not a PJ or a track suit – which I heard is the Mother’s uniform!- but come on….
I had a brown pants and a pink sweater and had a brown shoes and a brown purse…I guess I can say color coordination comes to me naturally even when I am walking in a daze!
But the look of it…it was hanging from my body. My hair was in a bundle on top of my head – I need a haircut like yesterday, but I can not get a free time yet…so for now this boring hairdo is what my curly hair can handle…
I did not have any make up on– which is not that unusual for me as I rarely put on any make up. My mother used to constantly remind me that AT LEAST I could have a lipstick on my lips….Which one day I found the magic of lip gloss and that became part of my routine…but in this particular day I did not have ANYTHING!
In my saving grace, I did have a shower and I smelled really good (which even in the worst situation I smell very good because I am extra sensitive on the nose department!)
So let’s go to the point: I looked BORING! Make it capital and underline.
I even had that boring ugly walk… I was toddling with shoulders forward…you know what I mean? No gliding, no grace in the steps…blah blah blah….
I was shocked. I had so many nice things to wear in my closet. I can say honestly I do fit in almost all of them as I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight within four weeks after the delivery with no extra effort other than sleep deprivation and breast feeding!!!
I don’t have a body of a model but I have a one that can carry a suitable outfit nicely…
And then running after a toddler helps you to be in an OK shape, up and down a little in the weight department…except for my arms of course that now have muscles thanks to carrying my little one here and there…so little tights on my usual sleeves!
So how come I became like this? When did I stop caring?
Because if one looks at my closet, it is very obvious that I did care about what I ware… what accessories I put on and how to be out and about?
I always used to dress up comfortably but elegant. I mean my personality does not sacrifice comfort for beauty…but during the years I found a place on the fashion map that has both elements….Especially I love accessories and used them a lot…notice the verb there: “USED”
It is very obvious to any observer – they don’t even need to be a fashion consultant- that these days I put on clothes just to cross something off my “to do list”!
Majority of my friends are mothers to the preschooler and first grader – which means they will have more time for shower and the rest of the hoopla!
They look OK and sometimes nice. I have particularly a very good and close friend that looks AMAZING… ALWAYS. She is what the term Yummy Mummy was created for….and she looked like that even when she had a newborn and a preschooler at the same time!
I mean no matter what time of day or night you go to her house and no matter whether you called first or just knock her door; she opens the door as if she came out of a fashion magazine. For crying out loud, even her track suit is gorgeous!
And let's be clear here: she does almost everything by herself. She does not have a nanny and cook all the ingredient from the scratch - what can I say, I am friend with the superwoman:):)
We travel together once or twice a year for our work and I spend day and night with her for 7 -8 days…those times I am amazed of the simplicity and yet absolute elegancy of her wardrobe…. and more important than that of how artistic she is in her make up application and how quick she puts on her makeup even while she is driving! Truly less than 3 minutes!
God knows in order for me to put on any make up, I need a meditation of some sort just to be able to not mess it up!
How come it takes many many many minutes for me to put on make up…and the result is not as gorgeous as hers?
In last 18 months, every time I come back from those trips I pay little more attention to “how I carry myself” – which is her sentence…
I pay attention to what I wear and make sure I have an accessory for the occasion, a nice shoes and a nice purse…and I have to admit majority of my supply in my make up drawer comes from the inspirational shopping after those trips….
And then within a month I am back to where I was…a boring looking woman….then she gives me her usual pep talks that looking nice makes one feel happier (and I admit she is right)…and that it is easy and absolutely OK to include little “me time” in my daily schedule (which I whole heartedly agree if only I knew when and how to include it)…and even once in every season she tries to take me out for shopping trips (which are only fun to watch her because with every pick I shake my head that “when am I going to put this on?” or “it will not be comfortable enough to run after my little one”…and then she will shake her beautiful head that “grow up girl, a woman needs beauty not comfort…and you can have comfort in your PJ’s”….which let’s drop this note here, in my expert opinion in comfort, her PJ is much more beautiful than comfortable!...she laughs so loud and proud when I tell her this!)
I mean I don't want to be like her...my personality was not, is not and will not be like that...I just want to be little less boring, little more gracious.
So I am here, in my blog, crying out to the world….how can people do it? Because there are people that do this…dress nice, look nice, carry all the baby stuff nicely and elegantly, walk beautifully and have that "interested about the world" look when they walk...and still manage even a busier schedule than mine.
How can they do it?
Other than defective “friendship Gene” do I have also defective “looking elegant” gene?
OK, I gave up!
If you are a woman and really honest with yourself, you will admit that it is THE BEST type of therapy…yes you will feel a pain when the credit card’s invoice knocks your door later, or maybe you are the guilt feeling type – like me- and feel the pain past midnight….but at least you had your absolute therapy during the bliss of shopping.
I don’t have my regular visits to this therapist since I am a mother and especially since I am a mother of a toddler. Let’s face it, shopping with a toddler is the equivalent of taking a giant elephant to a china store….after such a trip I will for sure need a real therapy!
So me, the mother, blissfully ran out the door the moment that him, the father, walked in from work…I was happy to see my two men getting ready to go for a stroll around the neighborhood in what was a grate weather…I drove and got to the mall (still blissful) and parked the car and toddled toward the door....when I saw someone’s reflection in the glass door...OH IT WAS ME!
For the love of God, What the heck was I wearing?
Don’t worry it was not a PJ or a track suit – which I heard is the Mother’s uniform!- but come on….
I had a brown pants and a pink sweater and had a brown shoes and a brown purse…I guess I can say color coordination comes to me naturally even when I am walking in a daze!
But the look of it…it was hanging from my body. My hair was in a bundle on top of my head – I need a haircut like yesterday, but I can not get a free time yet…so for now this boring hairdo is what my curly hair can handle…
I did not have any make up on– which is not that unusual for me as I rarely put on any make up. My mother used to constantly remind me that AT LEAST I could have a lipstick on my lips….Which one day I found the magic of lip gloss and that became part of my routine…but in this particular day I did not have ANYTHING!
In my saving grace, I did have a shower and I smelled really good (which even in the worst situation I smell very good because I am extra sensitive on the nose department!)
So let’s go to the point: I looked BORING! Make it capital and underline.
I even had that boring ugly walk… I was toddling with shoulders forward…you know what I mean? No gliding, no grace in the steps…blah blah blah….
I was shocked. I had so many nice things to wear in my closet. I can say honestly I do fit in almost all of them as I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight within four weeks after the delivery with no extra effort other than sleep deprivation and breast feeding!!!
I don’t have a body of a model but I have a one that can carry a suitable outfit nicely…
And then running after a toddler helps you to be in an OK shape, up and down a little in the weight department…except for my arms of course that now have muscles thanks to carrying my little one here and there…so little tights on my usual sleeves!
So how come I became like this? When did I stop caring?
Because if one looks at my closet, it is very obvious that I did care about what I ware… what accessories I put on and how to be out and about?
I always used to dress up comfortably but elegant. I mean my personality does not sacrifice comfort for beauty…but during the years I found a place on the fashion map that has both elements….Especially I love accessories and used them a lot…notice the verb there: “USED”
It is very obvious to any observer – they don’t even need to be a fashion consultant- that these days I put on clothes just to cross something off my “to do list”!
Majority of my friends are mothers to the preschooler and first grader – which means they will have more time for shower and the rest of the hoopla!
They look OK and sometimes nice. I have particularly a very good and close friend that looks AMAZING… ALWAYS. She is what the term Yummy Mummy was created for….and she looked like that even when she had a newborn and a preschooler at the same time!
I mean no matter what time of day or night you go to her house and no matter whether you called first or just knock her door; she opens the door as if she came out of a fashion magazine. For crying out loud, even her track suit is gorgeous!
And let's be clear here: she does almost everything by herself. She does not have a nanny and cook all the ingredient from the scratch - what can I say, I am friend with the superwoman:):)
We travel together once or twice a year for our work and I spend day and night with her for 7 -8 days…those times I am amazed of the simplicity and yet absolute elegancy of her wardrobe…. and more important than that of how artistic she is in her make up application and how quick she puts on her makeup even while she is driving! Truly less than 3 minutes!
God knows in order for me to put on any make up, I need a meditation of some sort just to be able to not mess it up!
How come it takes many many many minutes for me to put on make up…and the result is not as gorgeous as hers?
In last 18 months, every time I come back from those trips I pay little more attention to “how I carry myself” – which is her sentence…
I pay attention to what I wear and make sure I have an accessory for the occasion, a nice shoes and a nice purse…and I have to admit majority of my supply in my make up drawer comes from the inspirational shopping after those trips….
And then within a month I am back to where I was…a boring looking woman….then she gives me her usual pep talks that looking nice makes one feel happier (and I admit she is right)…and that it is easy and absolutely OK to include little “me time” in my daily schedule (which I whole heartedly agree if only I knew when and how to include it)…and even once in every season she tries to take me out for shopping trips (which are only fun to watch her because with every pick I shake my head that “when am I going to put this on?” or “it will not be comfortable enough to run after my little one”…and then she will shake her beautiful head that “grow up girl, a woman needs beauty not comfort…and you can have comfort in your PJ’s”….which let’s drop this note here, in my expert opinion in comfort, her PJ is much more beautiful than comfortable!...she laughs so loud and proud when I tell her this!)
I mean I don't want to be like her...my personality was not, is not and will not be like that...I just want to be little less boring, little more gracious.
So I am here, in my blog, crying out to the world….how can people do it? Because there are people that do this…dress nice, look nice, carry all the baby stuff nicely and elegantly, walk beautifully and have that "interested about the world" look when they walk...and still manage even a busier schedule than mine.
How can they do it?
Other than defective “friendship Gene” do I have also defective “looking elegant” gene?
OK, I gave up!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Love is not just a concept, it is tangible…
…. My baby showed me that!
My son is 18 and half months old (and for the record he will always be my baby)... and he already thought me a lifetime of lessons…
I was going through some of my enteries in my diary for the past 18 months. I came across this one for Dec 2006 (he was just three months old):
"....We talk about the fact that motherhood will change one's perspective of life but living and feeling it is totally different concept.
Now I am proudly a mother... and NOW I can fully comprehend the aura of love, energy, constant giving, exhaustion of physical, emotional and financial resources, and above ALL pure ecstatic connection to an innocent soul and a procreative vision of the future that makes my days fundamentally different from before.
My son is teaching me many things every second of day and night and what a good teacher he is. He teaches me the art of loving unconditionally, helps me to learn the depth of forgiveness and force me to practice an unlimited patience for EVERY task in life.
....
Every time that I look at him, every time that I feed him or change his diaper, every time that I bath him or wash his bottles and fold his never ending laundry, I think to myself: I can imagine NO ONE BUT HIM. I believe that “my” God also could not imagine anyone but HIM for me.
......
So every time I look at him, I am praying at the most sacred alter of my life. I take a smell of his pure, innocent soul and think "maybe I did SOMETHING good that I am not aware of, because divine granted me this gift and I am thankful and humble for this blessing. May God make me worthy of him!"
We – the almighty adults- believe that we are shaping our little ones lives. That we are the creator of ALL of it....that we are suppose to teach them this and that and the other…
Don’t get me wrong. I am a full believer in all the responsibilities that come with parenthood – the ones that were in the “handbook” and the ones that were not :):)
But I for one think there are many more things that we are suppose to learn from these little angles – if our arrogance and pride let us of course!
I also believe that we are suppose to "accompany" them in their path of life. We are suppose to share our experience, our wisdom- how deep or superficial it might be-, to protect them with all our heart and soul and to guide them when it is possible for us.
The reality is that they are “children of the future” and we belong to the past.
These verses of “Prophet- by Khalil Gibran” can say it much better than I can:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that stays."
So my dear boy...
I want to thank you for choosing me to be one of the many souls that will accompany you in your life.
I pray that your life be full of love and laughter...that you be healthy, wise and strong...that you be brave in heart.
I pray for you to realize that our time here is limited and some of it will be blissful and some of it will be tragic and mostly it will be somewhere in between...but that is OK my sweet!
There will be sadness to which we can not always prepare ourselves for...but still we need to be brave and accepting.
I wish you always accept yourself just the way you are...to love yourself deeply and wisely....to accept your fears and demons...to love your shadow and not run away from it...
But never give in to your fears and demons as it might lead you to the path of hatred and that is my boy not why we are alive....
I want you to realize that life is precious and a gift...and that we are worthy of having it...and we should make the best of it...
I want you my love, to take chances...to take chances that I never allowed myself to take because of fear or anxieties...to take life in - all of it my boy...dance like no one is watching you…let your laughter be loud and blissful
Most certainly take precautions, as your life and health is so precious beyond belief.
But don't let cautiousness take over....I read somewhere that "look both ways before you cross the street, but cross the street"...
And above all, remember that acceptance, kindness and compassion are part of the things that make us human.
I wish for you to learn the art of loving and become a compassionate man....be ALWAYS kind to everything in the world, after all this is not your playground alone, that we are here to love and share and care for life and for the world...
And for me my sweet:
I pray that I will be worthy of the blessing of being your mother. I want to make few promises to you: that I will never force my will on you, that I never assume I know the best or even better...that I try my best to “hear” you, to “feel” you, to "understand" you and to “see your point of view in life”….
And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember: Mamma loves you NO MATTER WHAT!
My love for you is not a concept, it is tangible my dearest!
My son is 18 and half months old (and for the record he will always be my baby)... and he already thought me a lifetime of lessons…
I was going through some of my enteries in my diary for the past 18 months. I came across this one for Dec 2006 (he was just three months old):
"....We talk about the fact that motherhood will change one's perspective of life but living and feeling it is totally different concept.
Now I am proudly a mother... and NOW I can fully comprehend the aura of love, energy, constant giving, exhaustion of physical, emotional and financial resources, and above ALL pure ecstatic connection to an innocent soul and a procreative vision of the future that makes my days fundamentally different from before.
My son is teaching me many things every second of day and night and what a good teacher he is. He teaches me the art of loving unconditionally, helps me to learn the depth of forgiveness and force me to practice an unlimited patience for EVERY task in life.
....
Every time that I look at him, every time that I feed him or change his diaper, every time that I bath him or wash his bottles and fold his never ending laundry, I think to myself: I can imagine NO ONE BUT HIM. I believe that “my” God also could not imagine anyone but HIM for me.
......
So every time I look at him, I am praying at the most sacred alter of my life. I take a smell of his pure, innocent soul and think "maybe I did SOMETHING good that I am not aware of, because divine granted me this gift and I am thankful and humble for this blessing. May God make me worthy of him!"
We – the almighty adults- believe that we are shaping our little ones lives. That we are the creator of ALL of it....that we are suppose to teach them this and that and the other…
Don’t get me wrong. I am a full believer in all the responsibilities that come with parenthood – the ones that were in the “handbook” and the ones that were not :):)
But I for one think there are many more things that we are suppose to learn from these little angles – if our arrogance and pride let us of course!
I also believe that we are suppose to "accompany" them in their path of life. We are suppose to share our experience, our wisdom- how deep or superficial it might be-, to protect them with all our heart and soul and to guide them when it is possible for us.
The reality is that they are “children of the future” and we belong to the past.
These verses of “Prophet- by Khalil Gibran” can say it much better than I can:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that stays."
So my dear boy...
I want to thank you for choosing me to be one of the many souls that will accompany you in your life.
I pray that your life be full of love and laughter...that you be healthy, wise and strong...that you be brave in heart.
I pray for you to realize that our time here is limited and some of it will be blissful and some of it will be tragic and mostly it will be somewhere in between...but that is OK my sweet!
There will be sadness to which we can not always prepare ourselves for...but still we need to be brave and accepting.
I wish you always accept yourself just the way you are...to love yourself deeply and wisely....to accept your fears and demons...to love your shadow and not run away from it...
But never give in to your fears and demons as it might lead you to the path of hatred and that is my boy not why we are alive....
I want you to realize that life is precious and a gift...and that we are worthy of having it...and we should make the best of it...
I want you my love, to take chances...to take chances that I never allowed myself to take because of fear or anxieties...to take life in - all of it my boy...dance like no one is watching you…let your laughter be loud and blissful
Most certainly take precautions, as your life and health is so precious beyond belief.
But don't let cautiousness take over....I read somewhere that "look both ways before you cross the street, but cross the street"...
And above all, remember that acceptance, kindness and compassion are part of the things that make us human.
I wish for you to learn the art of loving and become a compassionate man....be ALWAYS kind to everything in the world, after all this is not your playground alone, that we are here to love and share and care for life and for the world...
And for me my sweet:
I pray that I will be worthy of the blessing of being your mother. I want to make few promises to you: that I will never force my will on you, that I never assume I know the best or even better...that I try my best to “hear” you, to “feel” you, to "understand" you and to “see your point of view in life”….
And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember: Mamma loves you NO MATTER WHAT!
My love for you is not a concept, it is tangible my dearest!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The imaginary friends that I fell in love with...
I am starting to be excited about this “Blog thing”…
I have to say my quest for the holy grail on internet started few years ago with one and only "Wikipedia". Like anything else in my life, it took a long time for me to “warm up” to a new thing (I can feel my husband's sigh and nod now!)….so after a while I moved to Amazon.com, amazon.ca and amazon.uk!!!!
Then I moved to other sites that I needed for all sort of information about pregnancy and baby – lots and lots of baby pages and one in particular babycenter.com…then I moved to sites from which I could order stuff that I could not find in my hometown…and let’s face it shopping on line did it for me. I was hooked my dear!
Then it came the obsession with Facebook….and then as I said in the little “about me” section of my profile, out of serendipity I became a “Blogger”…the little scared me that was always a writer but more preferred old fashion way of writing (diary book…)
So I developed my new life on a place without walls – how significant for me, a person that needs lots of walls in life for her privacy and protection…a life online!!
Think about this “life online”…It is really a strange phenomenon…at this day and age we don’t know our neighbors but make what feels like deep philosophical and soulful connections with strangers that are across the country or around the world…
People who you know would have been such a close friend if they were living next door…and not in imaginary land of cyberspace!
Because let’s face it, we meet in a virtual playground...whenever we can steal a minute or two from our busy daily schedules…either when the kids are having a nap or mostly in the middle of the night…midnight when “most” of the “to do” list for the day is done, when the kids are bathed and in sleep and most of the chores are completed (or hopeless to be completed!)…especially for a person like me that is a night owl living in East coast…so I can have my imaginary friends in West coast or in Europe…
It works perfectly for me considering that I always think I have a defective “friendship Gene”…I mean I have a handful of grate and amazing friends that I am very close to…but it took such a long time to be at this point of closeness (and still except my husband no one knows about my Blog- or not yet!)…and I have a personality that makes it difficult to be close to anyone (with my perfectionism, the ultimate feeling of “being not understood” and extreme privacy and all the rest…)
So without even realizing it, on the land of no walls, strangers and I become friends because we are as different as we are alike.
I was a person that used to judge the “Blog” or “chartrooms” harshly. Because let’s face it I can easily be categorized under “cynical” personality….But let’s be honest here: there is wisdom out there for those who care to see it. Internet as a medium has such an amazing ability to allow thoughts and fears and hopes and struggles of human lives come out in the open.
So now I go through my day and realize I am wondering “what does that Blog post today?” or “Oh I have to write about this on my Blog”….
It is such a paradox….With this “life online” my world just got smaller and at the same time my world just expanded beyond imagination…
So far my “life online” is just a mindless escapism of an anonymous Internet browser and every Blog or web site that I check (and sometimes check daily) are just my 'imaginary friends'…I do not exist for them….I post my opinions for some of them under “Anonymous”….I visit them sometimes even daily but in any conventional term they are strangers to me….maybe I am afraid of the judgment on my writings and thoughts….maybe the knowledge of them knowing me – in any capacity- will make me not be free enough to be myself on my blog – and this is one place that I choose to be as free as my personality allows….
Or maybe just maybe, it is too sweet to have only imaginary friends…the ones that are always there…. and no trouble will be in the land of imagination…EVER!
I have to say my quest for the holy grail on internet started few years ago with one and only "Wikipedia". Like anything else in my life, it took a long time for me to “warm up” to a new thing (I can feel my husband's sigh and nod now!)….so after a while I moved to Amazon.com, amazon.ca and amazon.uk!!!!
Then I moved to other sites that I needed for all sort of information about pregnancy and baby – lots and lots of baby pages and one in particular babycenter.com…then I moved to sites from which I could order stuff that I could not find in my hometown…and let’s face it shopping on line did it for me. I was hooked my dear!
Then it came the obsession with Facebook….and then as I said in the little “about me” section of my profile, out of serendipity I became a “Blogger”…the little scared me that was always a writer but more preferred old fashion way of writing (diary book…)
So I developed my new life on a place without walls – how significant for me, a person that needs lots of walls in life for her privacy and protection…a life online!!
Think about this “life online”…It is really a strange phenomenon…at this day and age we don’t know our neighbors but make what feels like deep philosophical and soulful connections with strangers that are across the country or around the world…
People who you know would have been such a close friend if they were living next door…and not in imaginary land of cyberspace!
Because let’s face it, we meet in a virtual playground...whenever we can steal a minute or two from our busy daily schedules…either when the kids are having a nap or mostly in the middle of the night…midnight when “most” of the “to do” list for the day is done, when the kids are bathed and in sleep and most of the chores are completed (or hopeless to be completed!)…especially for a person like me that is a night owl living in East coast…so I can have my imaginary friends in West coast or in Europe…
It works perfectly for me considering that I always think I have a defective “friendship Gene”…I mean I have a handful of grate and amazing friends that I am very close to…but it took such a long time to be at this point of closeness (and still except my husband no one knows about my Blog- or not yet!)…and I have a personality that makes it difficult to be close to anyone (with my perfectionism, the ultimate feeling of “being not understood” and extreme privacy and all the rest…)
So without even realizing it, on the land of no walls, strangers and I become friends because we are as different as we are alike.
I was a person that used to judge the “Blog” or “chartrooms” harshly. Because let’s face it I can easily be categorized under “cynical” personality….But let’s be honest here: there is wisdom out there for those who care to see it. Internet as a medium has such an amazing ability to allow thoughts and fears and hopes and struggles of human lives come out in the open.
So now I go through my day and realize I am wondering “what does that Blog post today?” or “Oh I have to write about this on my Blog”….
It is such a paradox….With this “life online” my world just got smaller and at the same time my world just expanded beyond imagination…
So far my “life online” is just a mindless escapism of an anonymous Internet browser and every Blog or web site that I check (and sometimes check daily) are just my 'imaginary friends'…I do not exist for them….I post my opinions for some of them under “Anonymous”….I visit them sometimes even daily but in any conventional term they are strangers to me….maybe I am afraid of the judgment on my writings and thoughts….maybe the knowledge of them knowing me – in any capacity- will make me not be free enough to be myself on my blog – and this is one place that I choose to be as free as my personality allows….
Or maybe just maybe, it is too sweet to have only imaginary friends…the ones that are always there…. and no trouble will be in the land of imagination…EVER!
Monday, April 14, 2008
There is no greater order than disorder....
I get anxious when there is no order to life.
Such a simple sentence, such a profound meaning….
I admit to this truth with sadness and disappointment....
Somewhere in the core of my being I yearn to not be like this. I envy people that take “it” easy and let life roll as if it is a wind and a breeze. I envy so much those people that swim so artistically with each ebb and flow of life…those amazing extra ordinary people that have so much to deal with and still manage to not be anxious about it and just bend skillfully without braking.
Still loosing control of what is happening in life, brings so much anxiety to me. I think about all the things I can't control. The anxiety starts to build up in my core. Then in order for me to move on with the daily routin of life I have to shake my head, hoping to shake all the negatives away, but they always find their way back.
Deep down in my soul I do know that life is all about braking the orders...after all that is what we can see every second of the day around us. I believe with all my heart that I would be so “alive” if I was no so anxious about the disorders and unpredictable changs (or shall I say the fear and apprehension of disorders) in my life....but if only I knew how to brake the pattern without braking myself and being absolutely in a verge of a panic attack..
Any unexpected change in the prepared order can bring the flood of stress to my heart….so I try even more to expect the unexpected and prepare some kind of imaginary orders to all the “what if”s…After all I am a very good chess player and can prepare myself for a few moves ahead!!!
Where does this desperate need to have control over my life and bring some order to it come from?
I don't know!
Isn't it possible that it comes from the deep fear of making a mistake?
Maybe…I don’t know!
As a parent I think I spend so much energy worrying about things within my control as well as beyond it.
I look around at other families around me; mothers with children -some families with more than one child and some mothers are working full time - I hear their stories about their life and their children and then the comparison between them and I as parents will begin. There is not a single day that I do not tell my husband "but how do they do it?"
He sometimes repeat his usual answer: "You are too perfectionist"....as if being perfectionist is not "heavy" burden enough, I am "too much of it"....He is right though! There is no running away from it.
I wonder am I making a mistake as a mother. Is he missing out on something because of my personality?
Then I push those horrifying thoughts to the furthest corner of my mind. Because there is so much to do and there is no time to be paralyzed with a self assessment that will possibly end in a shocking terror.
Let's face it in the most ordinary day there is always so many things that need to get done before any time to self reflect (if that time comes even in 24 hours!):
Have a shower(maybe if there is enough time, otherwise it will be sometime in next few hours!!), get dressed, change my son, get him dress, prepare breakfast and feed my little angle (and possibly forget mine), getting the dishwasher emptied (which I dread), getting the laundry folded and put away ... all while playing with my son, sing for him and dance my silly dance and try very hard to keep him out of any harm that his curious nature can bring to our path...and try very hard to remember the stuff I know I forgot already!
And all this before noon!!!
As a mother I understand this aspect of my emotions so well....and to be totally honest here, I do not think what I described above is out of proportion for a mother. But who am I kidding? I was like this when I was a child...so let's not put the entire burden on the tiny shoulders of motherhood....
Such a simple sentence, such a profound meaning….
I admit to this truth with sadness and disappointment....
Somewhere in the core of my being I yearn to not be like this. I envy people that take “it” easy and let life roll as if it is a wind and a breeze. I envy so much those people that swim so artistically with each ebb and flow of life…those amazing extra ordinary people that have so much to deal with and still manage to not be anxious about it and just bend skillfully without braking.
Still loosing control of what is happening in life, brings so much anxiety to me. I think about all the things I can't control. The anxiety starts to build up in my core. Then in order for me to move on with the daily routin of life I have to shake my head, hoping to shake all the negatives away, but they always find their way back.
Deep down in my soul I do know that life is all about braking the orders...after all that is what we can see every second of the day around us. I believe with all my heart that I would be so “alive” if I was no so anxious about the disorders and unpredictable changs (or shall I say the fear and apprehension of disorders) in my life....but if only I knew how to brake the pattern without braking myself and being absolutely in a verge of a panic attack..
Any unexpected change in the prepared order can bring the flood of stress to my heart….so I try even more to expect the unexpected and prepare some kind of imaginary orders to all the “what if”s…After all I am a very good chess player and can prepare myself for a few moves ahead!!!
Where does this desperate need to have control over my life and bring some order to it come from?
I don't know!
Isn't it possible that it comes from the deep fear of making a mistake?
Maybe…I don’t know!
As a parent I think I spend so much energy worrying about things within my control as well as beyond it.
I look around at other families around me; mothers with children -some families with more than one child and some mothers are working full time - I hear their stories about their life and their children and then the comparison between them and I as parents will begin. There is not a single day that I do not tell my husband "but how do they do it?"
He sometimes repeat his usual answer: "You are too perfectionist"....as if being perfectionist is not "heavy" burden enough, I am "too much of it"....He is right though! There is no running away from it.
I wonder am I making a mistake as a mother. Is he missing out on something because of my personality?
Then I push those horrifying thoughts to the furthest corner of my mind. Because there is so much to do and there is no time to be paralyzed with a self assessment that will possibly end in a shocking terror.
Let's face it in the most ordinary day there is always so many things that need to get done before any time to self reflect (if that time comes even in 24 hours!):
Have a shower(maybe if there is enough time, otherwise it will be sometime in next few hours!!), get dressed, change my son, get him dress, prepare breakfast and feed my little angle (and possibly forget mine), getting the dishwasher emptied (which I dread), getting the laundry folded and put away ... all while playing with my son, sing for him and dance my silly dance and try very hard to keep him out of any harm that his curious nature can bring to our path...and try very hard to remember the stuff I know I forgot already!
And all this before noon!!!
As a mother I understand this aspect of my emotions so well....and to be totally honest here, I do not think what I described above is out of proportion for a mother. But who am I kidding? I was like this when I was a child...so let's not put the entire burden on the tiny shoulders of motherhood....
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I am happy, I am sad...
Oh God, doesn’t it fly, time I mean? 
And soooo fast…
I have such an ambivalent relationship with “time”….I am sure it will be the topic of many more enteries in this blog.
But since I became a mother I HATE its pace. I just want to freeze every single second that I have with my son and make it last for eternity. I am REALLY serious about this. I don't mind even going through many more labors if that means all can start from the first second over and over and over again...When I say this, my mother think I am absolutly out of my mind (she was in my labor room and remmbers every second of "its" pain...I on the other hand remmber how amazing it was. I do remmber every second of it too but for some reason I just love all of them and especially the minute that the doctor put my naked baby boy on my body....)
One minute mashes into another and before you blink your eyes, your baby that just came out of your warm body has gone from “goo goo, ga ga” and "adda, atta" to a full sentence and I guess then off to college…
I feel it was yesterday that I was having his warm body next to mine and looking at those adorable little toes and that gorgeous wrinkly face and thinking:
Very soon he will have his full eyebrows and eye lashes
Very soon he will hold his head
Very soon he will smile
Very soon his toothless grin will be gone…will be full of pearls
Very soon it is time to start solid
Very soon we move from mesh to “real food”
Very soon it is time to sleep in the crib... no more in our bed
Very soon those chubby feet that I can kiss for eternity will hold his weight and off to go…we are toddling
My baby is not a newborn, my baby is not even a baby, and the correct term now is a toddler as he is 18 months old and running...
But for me, he is my baby, he will always be MY BABY - emphasize on both “my” and “baby”:)
Like every mother I worry for arrival of milestones on time…
Gushed over “roll over”, giggled with his “laughter”, clapped for him “sitting unsupported”, made the loudest sound of cheer when he said his first clear word: “Mamma”, checked for his “teeth”, went mooshed with his “crawling”, tried not to be so scared with him “standing” himself and hold my breath with his first steps of “walking”….
I was happy for arrival of each and every milestone…I was sad with arrival of each and every milestone…
I think you can only feel the intensity of this tog of war if you are a mother…
That joy and pride for your baby for moving forward and his achivment....that enormous sadness that you are leaving the dearest moments of your life in the trust of a memory box….either the box in your mind and heart or the box in the closet.....
And soooo fast…
I have such an ambivalent relationship with “time”….I am sure it will be the topic of many more enteries in this blog.
But since I became a mother I HATE its pace. I just want to freeze every single second that I have with my son and make it last for eternity. I am REALLY serious about this. I don't mind even going through many more labors if that means all can start from the first second over and over and over again...When I say this, my mother think I am absolutly out of my mind (she was in my labor room and remmbers every second of "its" pain...I on the other hand remmber how amazing it was. I do remmber every second of it too but for some reason I just love all of them and especially the minute that the doctor put my naked baby boy on my body....)
One minute mashes into another and before you blink your eyes, your baby that just came out of your warm body has gone from “goo goo, ga ga” and "adda, atta" to a full sentence and I guess then off to college…
I feel it was yesterday that I was having his warm body next to mine and looking at those adorable little toes and that gorgeous wrinkly face and thinking:
Very soon he will have his full eyebrows and eye lashes
Very soon he will hold his head
Very soon he will smile
Very soon his toothless grin will be gone…will be full of pearls
Very soon it is time to start solid
Very soon we move from mesh to “real food”
Very soon it is time to sleep in the crib... no more in our bed
Very soon those chubby feet that I can kiss for eternity will hold his weight and off to go…we are toddling
My baby is not a newborn, my baby is not even a baby, and the correct term now is a toddler as he is 18 months old and running...
But for me, he is my baby, he will always be MY BABY - emphasize on both “my” and “baby”:)
Like every mother I worry for arrival of milestones on time…
Gushed over “roll over”, giggled with his “laughter”, clapped for him “sitting unsupported”, made the loudest sound of cheer when he said his first clear word: “Mamma”, checked for his “teeth”, went mooshed with his “crawling”, tried not to be so scared with him “standing” himself and hold my breath with his first steps of “walking”….
I was happy for arrival of each and every milestone…I was sad with arrival of each and every milestone…
I think you can only feel the intensity of this tog of war if you are a mother…
That joy and pride for your baby for moving forward and his achivment....that enormous sadness that you are leaving the dearest moments of your life in the trust of a memory box….either the box in your mind and heart or the box in the closet.....
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Hello my blog
It feels like I am 9 years old and this is the night before the new school year...when I had all those new notebooks that I knew I would keep very neat and clean ...when I had all those hope for a wonderful year and I just knew I would experience so many cool new adventures...Like no year before...
This feels exactly like that:
A bit apprehension in walking in a strange land with NO PLAN...so not like me!
A bit lost in what exactly I am supposed to do....
Here and there questioning myself that who really will read my stuff (as I haven't decided whether I will give the address to anyone that I know or not)...
And of course a lot of excitement...
After all it is really exciting to be able to express oneself while there is some degree of anonymity….it is like attending a ball that everyone are obliged to have a mask on…
Because indeed this is MY new notebook...I can manage to write in it how ever I want – a freedom that I did not have when I was 9 years old of course:):)- and I can make sure it stays neat but exciting….
So “Hello my dear Blog”....I have no idea how our relationship will be or how long will it last....or how frequent we will be in touch
But let's face it those are such common questions in any new relationship...
A little faith and a little more trust can help both of us a lot!
This feels exactly like that:
A bit apprehension in walking in a strange land with NO PLAN...so not like me!
A bit lost in what exactly I am supposed to do....
Here and there questioning myself that who really will read my stuff (as I haven't decided whether I will give the address to anyone that I know or not)...
And of course a lot of excitement...
After all it is really exciting to be able to express oneself while there is some degree of anonymity….it is like attending a ball that everyone are obliged to have a mask on…
Because indeed this is MY new notebook...I can manage to write in it how ever I want – a freedom that I did not have when I was 9 years old of course:):)- and I can make sure it stays neat but exciting….
So “Hello my dear Blog”....I have no idea how our relationship will be or how long will it last....or how frequent we will be in touch
But let's face it those are such common questions in any new relationship...
A little faith and a little more trust can help both of us a lot!
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