There is no greater order than disorder....

I get anxious when there is no order to life.

Such a simple sentence, such a profound meaning….

I admit to this truth with sadness and disappointment....

Somewhere in the core of my being I yearn to not be like this. I envy people that take “it” easy and let life roll as if it is a wind and a breeze. I envy so much those people that swim so artistically with each ebb and flow of life…those amazing extra ordinary people that have so much to deal with and still manage to not be anxious about it and just bend skillfully without braking.

Still loosing control of what is happening in life, brings so much anxiety to me. I think about all the things I can't control. The anxiety starts to build up in my core. Then in order for me to move on with the daily routin of life I have to shake my head, hoping to shake all the negatives away, but they always find their way back.

Deep down in my soul I do know that life is all about braking the orders...after all that is what we can see every second of the day around us. I believe with all my heart that I would be so “alive” if I was no so anxious about the disorders and unpredictable changs (or shall I say the fear and apprehension of disorders) in my life....but if only I knew how to brake the pattern without braking myself and being absolutely in a verge of a panic attack..

Any unexpected change in the prepared order can bring the flood of stress to my heart….so I try even more to expect the unexpected and prepare some kind of imaginary orders to all the “what if”s…After all I am a very good chess player and can prepare myself for a few moves ahead!!!

Where does this desperate need to have control over my life and bring some order to it come from?
I don't know!
Isn't it possible that it comes from the deep fear of making a mistake?
Maybe…I don’t know!

As a parent I think I spend so much energy worrying about things within my control as well as beyond it.

I look around at other families around me; mothers with children -some families with more than one child and some mothers are working full time - I hear their stories about their life and their children and then the comparison between them and I as parents will begin. There is not a single day that I do not tell my husband "but how do they do it?"

He sometimes repeat his usual answer: "You are too perfectionist"....as if being perfectionist is not "heavy" burden enough, I am "too much of it"....He is right though! There is no running away from it.

I wonder am I making a mistake as a mother. Is he missing out on something because of my personality?

Then I push those horrifying thoughts to the furthest corner of my mind. Because there is so much to do and there is no time to be paralyzed with a self assessment that will possibly end in a shocking terror.

Let's face it in the most ordinary day there is always so many things that need to get done before any time to self reflect (if that time comes even in 24 hours!):
Have a shower(maybe if there is enough time, otherwise it will be sometime in next few hours!!), get dressed, change my son, get him dress, prepare breakfast and feed my little angle (and possibly forget mine), getting the dishwasher emptied (which I dread), getting the laundry folded and put away ... all while playing with my son, sing for him and dance my silly dance and try very hard to keep him out of any harm that his curious nature can bring to our path...and try very hard to remember the stuff I know I forgot already!
And all this before noon!!!

As a mother I understand this aspect of my emotions so well....and to be totally honest here, I do not think what I described above is out of proportion for a mother. But who am I kidding? I was like this when I was a child...so let's not put the entire burden on the tiny shoulders of motherhood....