My shocking discovery

It is 5:00 in the morning. I can not say I did sleep at all last night and in about an hour from now, I have to "wake up" and start my daily activity. So while all night I tossed and turned in my bed and thought about what was bothering me, I finally realized I am writing in my blog all along….so why try another hour of the torture of tossing and turning?!

Something happened yesterday that inflicted an enormous emotional pain to my heart. Well I can not say the subject happened yesterday as more accurate term is that the last drop fell down in the bucket that was getting filled in past month, or past few months or maybe all my life…who really knows about the accurate measurement of time for creation of a sour spot in the soul?! Who really cares?!

The bottom line is that something happened that made the whole issue unbearable enough for me to go to my “black and blue” cycle…. And as always, out of that pain another one was born... a shocking discovery….like so many other times the focus shifted totally after that...it shifted to this new pain and discovery…

I think this is actually an attempt of the heart: to shift the focus to another pain in order to survive, to a pain that is maybe more bearable…after all we all need to survive….

So dear blog, I found myself talking to you all night long about this discovery…and here it is…

The original pain came yesterday and I longed so much to pick up the phone and talk to someone...somebody that I feel close enough to not feel judged, embarrassed, being jinxed by (and this last one is the newest discovery in my convoluted repertoire of personality!!!!) or any other negative feeling....someone that I can trust and do not think all the time that one day she will use all "this" - whatever this may be- against me....someone that I can be free enough to not censor myself for any reason what so ever...

Alas....I do not have that person in my life. The discovery was this reality...that despite my delusional belief that I have at least 2-3 very close friends, when push comes to shove I do not have ANY friends…when it is the judgment day like yesterday, I do not feel comfortable enough or safe enough to pick up the phone and cry on any of those shoulders without any hesitation….That discovery was beyond shocking….

I cried on my husband shoulders. I know I have to be thankful enormously for the blessing of having a husband that I can talk to…and belive me, I am thankful beyond belief.

What I am talking here is not any attempt to undermine that blessing. But the reality is that my husband is a man and like any other man there is a genetic lack in emotional talk even though he would be categorized as an emotional man.

He is a very good listener, he listens and then nods and then tries to hug or kiss or crease but all the time there is that confusion look in his eyes that says: “I am here out of my league, what am I suppose to say? I hope she does not ask me to say anything because I am not sure what word should I use?”

I can always see this inability of using words to talk about emotional issues just there in the back of his eyes. In best of times I joke about it and we laugh together at the defective Y chromosome…in the worst of times, I see that…logically I know it is not his fault but there is NOTHING logical about the pain that I have so why should I be consoled by logic?...I end up being more alone, sad or angry or all of the above…and he ends up more fearful of what should be the proper response to the pain that I have and he does not really understand and can not trace its origin back to anything…

It is interesting but truly that is man’s defective nature…I am starting to believe it is the case for all of them and that makes me sad because I so much wish for my son to be able to listen like a woman…and that means to listen with heart and response with heart through words….maybe that is only a wishful thinking after all…

My father can not understand the logic behind the need of a talk about an emotional wound…he will patiently and kindly listens to you and all the “facts” and then brushes the subject to the side with an attempt of changing the subject all together…and if you be a stubborn daughter like me and bring the subject back again, he will tell you that there is no point in poking a wound and talking about it over and over...and this way the wound will not heal…and one should leave it to be and why “regurgitate a subject of pain over and over”….so with a father in one extreme of logic and the husband at the other extreme of emotions FOR MEN, I came to the conclusion that to have someone to listen and console me during any emotional pain I needs a woman….

My mother can listen but after all she is a mother. She does what a mother does the best, she rushes in the scene with her heart wide open and tries to take the pain away…totally and completely. Tries to not even leave a trace behind…and in an attempt to do that she will belittle the emotional pain that exist…I used to be so angry by this action and take it so personal. But then I became a mother and truly felt and understood why she does what she does. Today I love her for that ten million times more…

A mother needs so much to make sure that her baby is pain free, body and soul. In order to breath, we need that to be true -- even if we know from our own experience in life, that the concept of pain free does not exist….but for us to survive we NEED to see the apple of our eyes be happy and free of any pain, especially free from the wounds of the heart and soul….So what my mother does, while comes from the purest source of love and emotions, does not console me in the desperate times of need...a need for someone to listen and talk to me…

So I need, I want, I long for a woman, a girlfriend, some one that I feel totally and absolutely free with to be able to open up my heart and not feel embarrassed, judged, or as I said above be jinxed later (don’t ask how I came to this latest discovery of my wired feeling!!!)…or not be afraid of any consequence of my decision to talk....

Someone that does not analyze my pain with tough logic....someone that I know will keep the talk just to herself and not even repeat that to her own ears...someone that I can talk to and just KNOW she will listen with her heart and respond just the right response….a response that does not belittle the pain, does not ignore the pain, does not refuse its existence but sheds a light and a comfort on the issue that caused the pain….someone that will talk to me about the pain until the dawn of eternity - if I need to...and does not think that we talked enough or there is no need to talk more about this pain or why are we repeating it over and over (because sometimes what one needs is to just repeat the same subject hundred times, thousand times, only to throw the bitter poison of the hurt out of the heart….)

In my adult life I started wishing for a sister. In my imagination, a sister would have filled that role for me, that a sister would have listened and consoled and would have been there no matter what…that I could tell a sister anything and everything….I think this delusional idea comes from the fact that I do not have a sister (or a brother for that matter)…

I say delusional because when I look around no one - and I really mean NO ONE THAT I KNOW - has this type of closeness with her sister. My mother which by default is the example that I looked at while I was growing up, claims that she is at least very close to one of her sisters… and I emphasize on the word, “claims”. Because the reality is that when push comes to shove, being an ultra reserved personality – just like me or maybe little less than me!- she does not confide her pain even to that sister….she has her reasons of course. They might be from the range of "why bother her" and "why put her in pain" to the range of "this is private"...

I think - or I like to think- that she came to that point of comfort more or less with me…it happened as I matured and became a woman. I am not sure how deep she will share her pain but I still think I, as her daughter, took that role in some degree…and I am so happy and honored that she gave me that role in any degree…but what am I going to do if I never have a daughter? or what am I going to do if I will only have one child and he will be like the rest of the men?

What if that is it for me…loneliness beyond belief?

Couple of my friends claim they found the above described person in me. I am not sure they did, I really don't think so. But I am happy they feel they did. I am really not sure such a person does exist, but never the less I am longing for her.

I am shocked that I do not feel any degree of comfort in that level to pick up the phone and talk to somebody….That is truly and utterly a pain…a shocking discovery that cuts like a knife to the core of my bones….

Well what else can I say? It is 6 am now and my life calls for me...becuase whether I like it or not, whether I have energy for it or not, whether I have heart for it or not, the show MUST go on!